Assalamu Alaikum My Dear Readers,
You should know that this is not the blog I ever imagined I would start. This is not the club I ever wanted to join. But this is my life now. I am sad and broken, but I accept that this is what Allah (swt) has wanted for me and my family.
My life as a Muslim, a wife, and a mom has changed forever. I find comfort in listening to other people's stories. Writing and wanting to learn more about my religion has been helping me cope so far. Because for me, in the midst of something deeply painful, reading someone else’s story brings an odd comfort in the sense that I know I'm not alone in my pain.
However, while trying to find comfort in stories and multiple Instagram feeds, I found myself only stumbling across non-Muslim grief journeys; which most resulted in questioning God.
But if I’m being honest, it hasn't been easy. I do find myself sitting here bombarded by the thought that maybe the reason why Allah took her away from me is because I am not a good Muslim. Subhan'Allah.
I often wonder if maybe I had prayed and read Quran more, turned to my lord when things were good AND bad, thanked Him fully, and just believed more than I do now... maybe the outcome could have been different? But I know that's not the truth. I can't say I'm a great Muslim. I know I'm not perfect, I'm only human. Islam is perfect, but we are not. Deep down in my heart, I know the reason she left this earth isn't because of me.
"Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilaihi Raji’oon"
From Allah we came and to Him is our return.
These words sting even harder when you've lost your child. And I'm slowly learning that Islam is a religion of hope. Growing up as Muslims, we are raised and taught that this Dunya is not the end. That there is indeed a reunion in the Hereafter. We're also told that Allah (swt) tells us that tests and trials are a part of life.
Everyone will be tested to a certain extent at times so that Allah (swt) can see which person has true faith in Him. And He presents us with these different situations to see how we react to them.
So with this new grief that I welcome into my life... I know I can't go back in time. I know I can't change things. I know that there isn't anything I could have done more or less. I'm human. I'm weak and I do slip back into those deep negative thoughts at times... but because of my rooted foundation in the belief in Allah, I know that this is my Qadr (fate). I will try my best to continue to trust in Allah and His decree.
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that which it can bear.” (Qur’an 2:286).
