30. What are their most healthy and most unhealthy coping mechanisms? - honestly, while Ovinus would strenuously disagree with me here, i think that his fixation on learning magic in order to prove that the accident that killed his parents couldn't have been an accident is pretty healthy. something deeply traumatic happened to him, so he decided to learn as much about the mechanisms and circumstances of that event as possible in order to better understand it, and while it would be a hilarious lie to say he's 'over' it or 'moved on,' i do think that actually did really help with his general sense of like, terror and heplessness in the world.
so in a broader sense, he's very driven to learn about and make sense of things, and he's definitely a Plans kind of guy. if something happens, he wants to figure out a Plan and a way to Fix It. i think this is generally pretty healthy, although sometimes you can't always plan or fix your way out of things.
his utter refusal to show vulnerability or let on that he has feelings or that they can be hurt is an unhealthy one. so is the way he redirects any negative feelings he has into anger. his sense of superiority is for SURE a coping mechanism for how often he gets treated like he's barely sentient or like his life is an unimaginable tragedy, and it's not healthy either.
36. Do they own items that have sentimental value? - MANY. he has bracelets made from his parents' molars and a clay token with his dead twin's handprint on it.
(i may not have said this on here before, but: Auguste was a twin. his mother went into labor early and his twin did not survive the birth. he came out not breathing either, and it was quite a surprise to everyone when they managed to get him to. since babies don't have teeth to make mourning jewelry out of, the done thing in this case is to press a handprint into clay and fire it.)
he knew his parents, whereas he never knew his sibling, so i think if you put a gun to his head and made him choose he'd pick the bracelets, but all three of them mean a lot to him.
his wheelchair is of enormous value in every respect. practical. functional. monetary, holy shit this thing was expensive. sentimental. he's been collaborating with the woodworker and spell-artificer who made it since his teens to refine and perfect the design and make it as personalized and comfortable and stuffed with cool and useful features as possible, so it's like, both part of his body, a vital tool of independence, AND an ongoing project of which he is extremely proud.
a lot of his jewelry was his father's. he values those pieces very much and it absolutely breaks his heart that he isn't allowed to take any of them into exile with him (because they're all made from mussel shell just a couple of shades below the darkest possible green, as a show of status since his father was the provincial administrator's spouse, and being sent into exile means being stripped of any status he might have in the community.)
50. What are they really good and really bad at? - things Auguste is good at: he's very socially astute and really good at reading between the lines. he's very patient. being as stubborn as he is ALSO means that when he decides to do something, he sticks with it. he's VERY good at not letting his thoughts or feelings show. he's a logical and deliberate thinker. he has memory issues (cognitive problems from both the brain injury at birth AND the untreated epilepsy) so he's very, very good at coming up with ways to cope with that.
things Auguste is bad at: he fucking sucks at actually forming or maintaining relationships with people. he's not good at showing the people he cares about that he cares about them. he's bad at showing emotion in general.
(in terms of like, physical abilities: he's bad at a lot of things. one could say most things, honestly. a short list of things that he struggles with includes: eating (chewing, swallowing, getting food into his mouth and not on his face or down his front in the first place), drinking, any fine motor control task, most gross motor control tasks, speaking, dressing, bathing...)
59. What would they want to be remembered for? - he wants, more than anything, to be remembered for his tenure as provincial administrator. to be remembered as a wise, intelligent, thoughtful man who made good decisions that saw his province and its citizens thrive. as a responsible caretaker of the province itself, of the earth and trees and sea, of the people, of the non-human kin. as a worthy son to his mother.
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I realized that not only is what was supposed to be my due date coming up on the 20th, but after that is mother's day.
When my cousin had her oldest, we all went to celebrate her first mother's Day as a mom with her and her six month old.
I get to visit my daughters grave, I guess.
It's just so astoundingly not fair. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for Mira to live. And there's nothing I wouldn't have done to give her the best possible life. And I see stupid kids of my parents friends actively choosing to give their kids shittier lives because they fell for conservative tradwife bullshit and believe a high school graduate should be the breadwinner despite being married to a fully qualified civil engineer who has a master's degree and is a veteran. Because the high school graduate is the one with the penis.
I'm just so angry. Why do they get to have a healthy baby and make stupid decisions and choose not to take good care of it?
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I know it's because my baby shower was supposed to be this coming Saturday. But that doesn't also mean i kinda want to jump out of a window again.
The only way out is through. I know that. That's why I'm in therapy.
But I also really, really can't do anything but want my little girl. Mira didn't deserve to die. And the part of me that wishes I'd died on the operating table when the cut me open to remove her from me is a lot bigger this week. Because I'm supposed to be a month from getting to meet her. Not almost four months from having buried her.
Genuinely don't know what the point is of existing anymore. Like.
Mira is gone. I'm desperately trying to work through the grief. But my baby died and I couldn't do anything about it and a large part of me wishes I could have died on that operating table when they cut me open and took her out of me. Because everything is empty and hollow. I spent a year without medication trying to get pregnant. And then another year on constant doctors visits to fertility clinics. And then the third IUI worked and she was there.
But before I knew it, just as I was getting excited and stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. She was gone.
And whenever I think about it, it's a toss up if I want to die or if I'll be feeling like i can get through this.
My baby shower was supposed to be this coming Saturday.
But Mira died in January and I'm trying so hard to heal and move forward because the only way out is through. But sometimes it feels like I've made no progress at all. And other times I worry I'm not treating it as something as important as it should be treated. Because she was everything. And I'm terrified I'll lose my ability to care about anything ever again. Because it's less painful to be apathetic to the whole situation sometimes. But other times it's just overwhelming and paralyzing.
