I Have A PhD In Procastination

I think my favorite jokes are the ones that weren’t even all that funny until I was an adult, and now they’re fucking hilarious. I’m not even talking about the dirty jokes. I’m talking about in Finding Nemo where the sharks are having fucking AA for fish eating. Remember that shit? “I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself.” Who ever thought of that? That was brilliant. Or what about that time in Shrek 2 where Shrek and Donkey infiltrate the castle pretending to be union workers? Little me didn’t give a shit about unions but big me is remembering Shrek going “It’s okay buddy, we’re from the union” and the desk worker secretively “we don’t even have dental,” and Shrek just shakes his head and looks at Donkey like he can’t believe this shit and goes, “They don’t even have dental.” What the fuck. I’m dying of laughter. Who comes up with this shit.

Dirty jokes have their place but I kind of wish more “adult” jokes relied on “Things only adults would understand due to lack of life experience,” instead of “Things that are inappropriate for kids,”

I’m the screaming at the last second

cuz im strong

Every time I talk to my roommate I feel my pineal gland calcify and my third eye close a little bit more

Last night she asked me how many days there are in a year and I said “why do you not know that?” and she said “why the fuck would I need to know that?”

She’s getting ready for work rn while listening to the Carrie Underwood song from the Super Bowl at full volume

Last night she was telling me about a car accident she was in years ago and she said they had to use the “jar of live” and I was like. Do you mean the jaws of life and she said “you don’t know what the jar of life is?”

She’s sitting next to me scrolling through a facebook meme page scream laughing and showing me literally every post and saying “what’s wrong? Are you okay” if I don’t laugh hard enough

I’m detecting a strong suburban Massachusetts upper middle class purgatory aura from this post.

I’m actually fucking dead. I just… I can’t stop watching this. That fucking triple take at the end gets me every time

This is gorgeous.

today i learned fish can be dicks

i am laughing so hard that white fish is such a piece of shit and i love it

I love these…..

Chaotic Good

My favorite part is that these are going to be someone’s neighborhood landmarks. “Turn left at the saxaphone player,” “yeah I work in the shop right next to the Princess Leia fire hydrant,” “if you pass the shady guy selling watches, you’ve gone too far.” The urban and suburban worlds are so funny of random infrastructure points that you’re just supposed to ignore, like those big metal wiring cabinets on the side of the road and all those backflow preventers all over the place. With just a little paint, now they have friendly, comprehensible meaning.

I suck at apologies, so… unfuck you, or whatever.

Holy shit this fucking super power. The avengers did Quicksilver WRONG.

Holy shit

The brilliant thing about this isn’t just the CGI, it’s the clever little touches of humor– mussing the boy’s hair, saving the goldfish, drinking the soda can, the moonwalk, lining up the dart with the dartboard. I notice new details every time I see this clip. You can watch this scene with zero context and still fully enjoy it. You don’t need to know who he is or who he’s saving or why. There’s a guy who runs real fast and he’s saving people from an explosion, and he’s having a blast with it, and that’s all you need to know. It’s entertaining and fully comprehensible even if you know nothing about the movie. That’s damn good filmmaking.