Just Something

-A lover crying for his wife who forgot him through her illness.

In the Desert

Sometimes I still miss you. I saw something, got an idea or just wanna talk about sh*t and think: "He would have loved to hear that."

But you're not here anymore. And the thoughts of you don't hurt anymore. When you left, you left a door open and I finally closed it.

"Dear Diary, I'm a disappointment."

I haven't thought about it for a long time,

Why should I? It was far in the past.

But now, alone, my head seemed so empty.

Didn't expect anything else, in the middle of the night.

For a long time I liked to wallow in secrecy on the subject.

I don't know where to start.

These complex thoughts

This little confession.

I really suppressed it for a long time,

The subject made me waver slightly

Now it's more of an admission.

But still I remember.

Of that voice, those eyes, that laugh, our conversations.

All the things that fascinated me so.

Nothing about you was artificial

But I possessed a strong character flaw.

Which is why I ruined everything.

In 2013, the world was a bit Difficult.

The whole issue about transgender or gay

And I, at that time, was in the middle of it.

It was said by many I was just curious....

The topic was not so current at that time.

But it felt like a new beginning of the year.

Like a new phase of life.

No idea what actually happened.

But I met her and everything made sense.

Every defense was in vain

Only when I looked into her eyes

She was my queen.

I don't know how to explain it.

These complex thoughts.

This little confession.

It was easy to be friends with you.

It was easy when I saw another girl

It was easy to fall in love with this one.

But it wasn't that in general.

The whole thing was a difficult subject

To say so was an understatement

Two women...2013, it was hard to explain that

It was exhausting to listen that its just a phase

Or you just feel that way because it was trend.

People were in other spheres

They were still too much in their bubble.

It seemed inconceivable to some.

But no matter how hard it seemed.

How alone I felt.

You were there with me. As my best friend.

Hell, you were my Ritalin.

The one that made my mind churn even more.

You were my queen.

When I broke up with that girl, you were there.

You never once scoffed.

Didn't condemn me

And that's when it hit me

You always supported me.

Shared all your thoughts with me.

I don't know why I never said it.

These complex thoughts.

This little confession.

Damn, it's been 12 years.

We've been through a lot and in the end never saw each other again.

Never spoke again, never laughed again.

The first time I was broken by it

I didn't want to go through it again.

Because you, you had turned me off.

I loved you more than a best friend.

For months I cursed you

I pushed everything about you, everything of you out of my mind.

So that your name would never rise in my head again.

I never tried it with another woman since then

Just hung every thought of it in my head.

I don't know why I let it happen.

These complex thoughts.

This little confession.

When you wrote me I couldn't believe it,

Read over and over that you wanted to see me.

Struggled with the skepticism inside me, but agreed.

But when you stood in front of me, I couldn't just trust you again.

Even though you overwhelmed me with your old ways.

All this awakened in me a strong restlessness.

I didn't tell you much, after all we were only acquaintances again, even strangers.

I avoided the old feelings, the thoughts

Rightly kept you at a distance

You, on the other hand, spoke without end

You made me waver

But it was not planned that way.

I didn't want to let you get so close to me anymore.

I never wanted to have you in my life again.

But when your tender face broke like that and I saw the tears,

I knew you hadn't left all that behind.

You wanted again what we gave up then.

You wanted it to be like it was before.

I don't know why I didn't say it then.

These complex thoughts.

This little confession.

I was debating inside.

Could only thank you for your words.

And you showed understanding.

For all the things that troubled me.

For my choice at the time.

You understood me.

I never wanted to tell you.

Not even this time.

What if, all my life, when I meet someone new, I can never fall for them because they aren't you?"