We write to taste life twice ~Anais Nin

I was diagnosed with moderate to severe hearing loss when I first started school at 4 years old in the year 1989.  I only remember the things my family told me around that time and prior.  It's a very young age to recall everything and the memory does play tricks on the mind. When I was a baby testing for hearing was just not thought of, no one's fault.  It wasn't all that common.  I suppose I lived like a normal small child, playing with anything that struck my imagination, running amok.  In photos I looked like a happy child except when I was dressed in an outfit knitted for a boy.  My Mother said I would always watch the television and not listen to her when she called for me.  I'm guessing she called for me many times, explains why she's quite loud.  She said she thought I just wasn't listening to her.  Typical child behaviour.  My hearing or lack thereof just never registered. I was playing behind the barn at my Grandparents' house and My Grandmother was yelling my name.  I'm told she almost lost her mind.  She told my Grandfather she lost me so they both went around searching for me.  Apparently Nan said she was going to beat my ass for disappearing.  Pup said she damned well wasn't because I just couldn't hear them. The teachers in school noticed almost immediately and that began the testing.  The results were in and my parents were confused and a bit scared I think.  The school suggested enrolling me in a school for the deaf and hard of hearing in Amherst.  That was over 3 hours from my home.  I was told that my Grandfather was not pleased with that idea and demanded that I stay home learning in a regular school with everyone else.  I think my parents followed suit not sure what to do.  My Grandfather, Pup was the best this way.  Maybe it was denial.  Maybe he didn't want to admit to it but he didn't seem to think hearing loss could hold anyone, least of all, his Granddaughter back.  Or worse, maybe I was naive and didn’t want to know he was ashamed of this because I loved him.  I never thought of those things then, just that he was my gruff hero that let me sleep on his lap in the rocking chair and steal gum from his shirt pockets.  I have pictures of that. Soon I had my hands on a toy that would sit right in my ears and hook up a box called an FM transmitter so I could hear the teachers across the classroom.  This was made possible by the best group we had in the school system, APSEA.  APSEA assisted parents with costs of aids and funded tools like the transmitters, funded for special educators for the deaf and hard of hearing to come to the schools and assist in ways that a mainstream teacher would need extra help.  The organization was a godsend.  They enabled me to sit in class and learn with my peers mainstream and took me aside to learn more.  With them I would practice my speech by reading.  I would take extra time to write for proper grammar.  I had extra practice in mathematics.  Their main focus was my speech.  They kept me caught up and then some.  I remember my time with them fondly.  I was the only kid in Milton School they came around to see at the time. I was never picked on in school about my hearing aids.  In fact, they (classmates) loved the FM Transmitter.  I could always let them know if the teacher was walking back into the classroom so they could quickly get back to their seats.  Yeah, I was the lookout.  It was hilarious and gross when they went to the bathroom.  They were pretty embarrassed when I told them I heard them.  Ha ha.  They caught on quick and my signal was cut upon leaving the classroom. Carpets were also installed in the classrooms to prevent the chairs and desks from scraping, protecting my tender ears.  That was a lovely APSEA request. My Father told me that I kept asking him what a certain noise was.  It was a bird.  I never heard birds before that.  I don't remember this but Dad chokes up when he tells me. I remember taking a bath one time as a child and I wasn't adjusted to having hearing aids at the time.  I accidentally forgot to take them out and my Mother wasn't thrilled that they fried the moment I poured water over my head.  I can confirm that they indeed do not electrocute when introduced to water but they certainly do not survive it.  Every year I needed to have new moulds created to attach to the aids behind my ears.  Children's ears are constantly growing at a quick rate just like the rest of them.  It was a strange sensation to have that cold goop squeezed in my ear.  Felt like soft sticky earplugs.  Before they put the silicone in they have to insert small spongy things with long strings so they have something to pull them out with when they dry.  I giggle a little because it looks like I have tampon strings hanging out of my ears.  My APSEA teachers tried to make me understand that in my life I would encounter people who didn't understand or were not quite as tolerant as some.  They would encourage me to teach them, to spend a lot of time helping them understand.  I never realized how exhausting this would be sometimes.  My first assignment was to explain to my peers in front of the classroom about something that pertained to my hearing. It could be anything from the tools I use to my experiences.  I chose to explain the FM Transmitter especially since so many of my peers enjoyed tracking the teachers’ movements with them. After 7 years it was time to change schools.  The districts decided it was a more logical idea to consolidate all of the smaller schools.  Grade 6 was spent at the Dr. John C. Wickwire Academy.  It was my first and last year there.  Out of all the consolidated schools there were still only 2 of us that were hard of hearing that I could recall.  Even there the teachers seemed well adjusted to us.  There I made new groups of friends.  Some found me odd, others didn't care and a few hung out with me.  Again it was never an issue or a big difference.  By that point no one realized I was hard of hearing upon first meeting me.  I learned just like the rest of them, I behaved similar to them.  It wasn't pointed out until they saw the gear and obviously had some questions.  It was never a big to do thing. In the following year I attended Junior High and met a whole slew of mates with differences from Autism to Hearing Loss to Mobility Issues.  I met three wonderful people with hearing impairment/loss that I remain in touch with to this day.  I learnt a little bit of sign language from them and we had a great common ground.  It was pretty neat.  I was in a position where I had questions for them because their experiences were so different from mine.  One attended the school for the deaf and hard of hearing for the early years. We were a very lucky in the way we all were able to attend a school without much in the way of total exclusion.  Yes, we had separate classes and we had special needs that teachers didn't quite know how to handle them but we always met in the middle being in the same school.  I know there are experiences from others that I'm not capturing and I know they've had some not so great experiences.  This is why it upsets me to see how divided we are almost 20 years into the future.  We should be so far ahead but we've fallen so far backwards.  It really is a crying shame.  We were so, so lucky and I never realized that until the later years of my life. High School was much the same but we had yet again, more populace.  High School was even better because there was an open door policy.  We were permitted and encouraged to visit the special needs students, have lunch with them, even sit and do homework together.  Even in this point of my life I was still never made to feel inferior with my hearing.  I was only ever picked at for being a little nerdy but that was it.  Okay, a lot nerdy.   I liked Sci-fi.   I'm sure it wasn't all fairy tales and rainbows for most.  We all had our not so great moments.  And there was the odd time kids would poke fun at something.  And there is that good high possibility they made fun of me but I didn't hear them.  They say ignorance is bliss, they haven't experienced hard of hearing.  Ha ha! When I learned how my trio of HOH friends came into their world of semi silence and how others came into that I began to have questions of my own.  I had them before that.  It just wasn't important enough for me to ask and my parents already shared some details. (Ones I'm sure some would find rather ridiculous in this day and age!) The most prevalent explanation was that my parents had the same blood type and the family doctor speculated that was why I was born with a hearing loss.  Today we know that's a very ridiculous and ignorant answer as many parents have the same blood type.  But this was the reason everyone stuck with as it made some sense out of why the child didn't come out 'normal'.  I'm not resentful of this particular tidbit as it was made in ignorance in a past that we didn't understand.  Even now there’s still much we don’t fully understand.

 In high school and much after I didn’t show much outward interest in a romantic life and when I did I brought home extremely questionable individuals. I also didn’t have a high confidence level in myself.  My parents worried and considered me behind in my personal life, which I suppose I was. They always thought it was because of my hearing and I didn’t make them think otherwise.  I never considered it due to my hearing loss. I suppose they did because it was something tangible they could digest.  When I was older I found myself walking on eggshells around adults more than children.  Even today I don’t have a high opinion of myself and I explain it off as humble.

Most of this way of dealing with the discomfort of adults has been the most baffling and occasionally it has spilled over in my workplaces.  Most have been very well and extremely considerate. We’ve talked and joked about it without a hitch.  But sometimes there will be that wayward thing coming from the mouths of adults that will light my fuse.  Once I reached the point of contending with adults I became more sensitive and sore about things.  Suddenly my hearing loss became the white elephant in the room.  This is now the most challenging time for me.  

In my adulthood I suspect there were things my parents shielded me from which I haven’t fully been on the receiving end of.  My experiences as an adult are far different compared to my childhood.  That goes without saying but it wasn’t what I was expecting.  I’ve had a great life and I did quite well for myself despite my hearing loss/impairment.  However, I did not expect to be brought down by a few uttered comments by family.

I was told that I had become hard of hearing because I had too many ear infections which my parents didn’t take me to the doctor soon enough.  I remember having many of them and I do remember sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for antibiotics.  A child never told me this.  An adult in my own family did.

I was also informed that hearing aids have made me a bit lazy and not wanting to listen.  Again, by an adult.  Never by a child or a peer.

But the one single comment that took the ever loving fucking kick in the teeth and made me particularly ugly.  “Maybe if your parents didn’t have the same blood type you wouldn’t be that way.”

My Grandmother!

My immediate family member!  Not a child! Not a peer!  An adult that was my own family member.

I find this ironic now seeing as My Grandmother and I now share hearing aid batteries.  Some say Karma took a very good journey but that doesn’t help me to forget or feel better about that.  In fact, I haven’t forgiven that and I doubt I will anytime soon.