metrosexual butch

Like I want to be...loud and unapologetic and call my family what it is which is a haven for sexual abuse and abusers but at the same time I love my family and the fact that the person who did all this to me was also covertly queer in some way I'll never fully understand since he's now dead and can't explain himself really just combines to make me feel like I have to just hold my trauma on my own shoulders forever and ever and ever and ever so I don't hurt anyone's feelings or step on any toes. He will never get what he deserves but I guess I can take some small comfort knowing that he knew he was going to die and it scared the shit out of him but then I feel overly malicious for feeling like he deserved that fear. But I very nearly actually killed myself as a 7 year old because I couldn't handle the crushing guilt of "what I had done". If anything I thought that this was something I did to him, because of xian brainwashing making me think I was just too enticing and he was a man and couldn't help himself. I know my parents didn't think they were making me feel this way by raising me in the church and raising me in a house directly next door to someone with a history of incestuous sexual assault but maybe they should've thought of that IDK

It's so endlessly frustrating to be or to have been a victim of sexual violence like why is it that the man is dead, has been dead for years, may have harmed other kids, yet I still as a full grown adult don't know how to even begin explaining what happened to me to the people who should care the most. The thing is that I feel pretty confident about not being believed and even if I am believed no one will care because he's already dead, so what am I doing disgracing his memory? He was so, so loved. Loved in a way I'm not sure I can understand - not because of who he was but just because I don't understand how anyone could be as loved as he was. Loved by everyone. Loved for the way he integrated himself into the lives of children, loved for his quirkiness, his energy. The man literally by any definition of the word *tortured* me, like he waterboarded me to make me compliant and I don't expect any of my family to care or understand how much pain and hatred exists in my soul for this man. There is literally not a single person in my family I feel I can fully trust to take what he did seriously. He didn't fall to temptation he tortured and raped a child and then told that child she was equally culpable in the eyes of god and that there was no way she'd be getting into heaven because what she'd done was that unforgivable. Oh, but he used to wear funny golf pants and he liked Winnie the Pooh, so whatever. And the thing is I also don't want to be the one to force people's memories to change and become negative. It only happened to me, after all, and it's not like I'm fucked up in the head or anything

When I have a banh mi I'll eat the jalapenos and they taste like bell peppers like they'll be the most flavorless jalapenos you could imagine then 10 minutes later my stomach hurts like crazy. And that's what being 31 is all about

I love my beautiful son and I love that he loves me so much but he keeps sleeping on my feet in the night and taking up so much room it's really a lot for everyone involved

Nearly got rear ended like five times on a short drive to the pet store come on man