I'm tired of feeling like this but I think having a radically different life is the only cure and I don't know how to go about that

I don't think this is even a top ten spiral out of all my experiences like this is just a friday in july but if I'm being honest it actually is amongst the top 10

I feel like gay men of wealth wouldn't pay me much mind or give me any nepo jobs but uhhhghghggggggggfgggh smashing my head with a brick

I know a lot of gayboys who are like teachers and healthcare workers but what kind of jobs are the bougie gay boys doing?

I wish I was a 20 something with an alive mom or a dad that wasn't a pastor. or at least a pastor dad that acted like a normal human person on the side. I guess my brother was only 24 and my sister was 28 when she died. I can understand that a little more now that I'm older

Tired of being chased by demons I'm going to chase them back with a bat. That's what I did to stop being afraid of the dark when I took out the trash when I was 14 I just had to tell myself I was more powerful than whatever was out there. but I think in practice pursuit means a lot more studying about what kinds of patterns I find myself in and identifying as many things that are maladaptive as i can until I think i can survive again. but that could be overzealous and easier said than done but I think something has to change fundamentally about how I'm tangled or how I view that entanglement

could I get a stupid job making dog treats or something there has surely got to be some kind of stupid thing I can produce that makes people consider me worthy of living expenses