WorkingClassClimber

I've had a right crap week- like super crap. Christmas is officially over, although I wasn’t that bothered about that; took my desert dry tree down boxing day- so really, its been over a while. But you know what it’s like, that horrible January hangover: no money, no light, no hopes and dreams-it’s just the worst. Well that’s where I am right now, yak! 

Prior to Christmas I had a bit of a wobble, got overly emotional in Costa. I think the people in Costa thought it was because my butter was too hard to spread on my teacake but that was only like a really teeny tiny percentage of the reason I was having my meltdown... 

The main reason was because I think the weight of the loneliness hit me and I think I'm still really feeling that weight now. It’s as if ‘losing’ (I use that word with reticence because my husband isn't dead) someone, especially your ‘partner’ doesn't make you feel ‘lighter’ or ‘free’ at all; it makes you feel heavy. It makes everything really hard. It makes the air around you feel that little bit thicker and the ground that little softer- like walking on sand. You can do it easily enough- it’s just harder. And that’s the best way I can describe what life is like at the minute, not impossible, just harder. 

I suppose when people are happy they say they feel like they’re floating; I get that now. If you scroll through Instagram you’ll find a whole plethora of people ‘floating’ maybe just for the second for the flash of the camera, it’s impossible to tell. 

Yesterday I really did hit a bit of a wall, so I made a lasagne. I’m really not into cooking, but I had some mince and pasta sheets- most of the ingredients, minus the garlic- it was Edward Cullen friendly. It didn’t take long, and at the end I had a (nearly) perfect little lasagne and it was really nice to just do something simple and complete it and enjoy it. I ate some, put some in boxes in the freezer and there’s some in the fridge- and it genuinely made a difference to my mood. Reminded me of that scene from Peep Show when Mark makes roast dinners when he's stressed. Maybe this will be my thing..

Not writing this because it’s one of my resolutions- didn’t really make any; tell a lie, I did. I need to make sure I keep up with my 10k steps everyday or my fitbit will be disappointed in me and I just can’t deal with that kind of guilt in my life. The little vibration to tell me i’ve done my 10K for the day- I’m all about that validation. I’m getting pretty edgy now; it’s 20:22, I've only done 9k steps and I don’t really plan on moving that much. Looks like i’ll be running around the living room again. In a weird silent kinda way though, must not wake the baby! 

As this is my first post I feel I need to explain the reason for it. There are numerous reasons- I shall list them:

I enjoy writing, always have and therefore I think it should do it more. 

It’s a creative outlet and I'm lacking in those. 

Apparently it’s a good form of self therapy (and who doesn’t need that).

The TV is boring. 

I’m an English teacher so I should practise what I preach.

I’m a relatively recent single mother going through a pretty big transition in my life so seems like as good a time as any. 

I’m 30 in 6 months, 6 MONTHS!

Middle class privilege. 

Let me explain: most blogs I read or instagram feeds I see of women (mothers especially and some fathers) are swimming in privilege and middle class elevation and as much as I would probably embrace that if I was born into it, i can’t stop it leaving a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. Maybe that taste is jealousy, most probably. They say the lines of class within society are blurred; they say there’s no such thing, everyone gets the same ‘crack of the whip’ but really? Do you really believe that? I don’t. But i’ll leave it there for now. 

So that’s pretty much what to expect. Ramblings (hate that word) from a nearly 30, single-teacher mum- sounds good right?! 

Also, I’m from the Midlands and we say ‘mom’ but if I start writing that i’ll sound American, and well, I’m not American. 

800 steps to go... 

Clover x