BUGS

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Part 2!

By being a jerk, you're actively making your life harder and less pleasant. This is because we're a social species, and we do this thing called "mirroring" usually unconsciously, so people tend to reflect the behavior you put out, back to you.

Also you can intentionally be kinder with people, and they'll be kinder to you.

It was a busy night, and apparently the bar and kitchen were both running a little behind. Mid conversation , a woman strode up to Steff and his friend and aggressively said "I get that you're having a nice time, guys, but some of us are still waiting on drinks, so do you think you could do your jobs?"

Before either could answer, the bar manager materialised.

"Well, he's a glass collector and he's one of the acts on tonight," she said politely, pointing them out. "So, neither of them can help you. But I'm the manager, can I help?"

("I specified that," the manager told Steff afterwards, "because if she's going to be a dick, I'm going to waste her time by telling her why she's wrong and has just been stupid before I help her.")

"Yes," said the woman, now gearing up to get good and annoyed to compensate for her embarrassment. "We've been waiting for our drinks for over half an hour! This is ridiculous!"

"I'm sorry about that," says the manager. "We're super busy tonight, as you can see. What's your order number? I'll check its status."

The woman gave it. The manager looked it up.

"Ah," said the manager. "I see the problem - these were ordered twelve minutes ago, but there's currently a twenty minute wait, as you can see on the board. I'll see what we can do to speed it up, though, and we'll get to it as soon as we can."

The woman grumbled and left.

The manger put her one lower in the queue.

Five minutes later, a second woman from a different group arrived.

"Sorry, it's very possible I'm being a bother and you'll get to it soon," she smiled. "But I just wondered if there's an update on our order? It's been a while."

"I'm so sorry," the manager said, "we're super busy. Let me check for you... Yes, you're still in the queue. We'll get to you as soon as possible, shouldn't be long now."

"Oh!" says the woman. "No, no worries, I just thought I'd double check to make sure we hadn't somehow dropped off the system. Thank you!"

She left, and the manager put her one higher in the queue. When her order was made, the manager added an extra bottle of beer, and a little note that said "Sorry for the wait :)"

And I tell this tale because, the thing is... If this is typical behaviour, that first woman probably goes her whole life never quite being happy, never quite content, always missing out on free moments of human connection. By contrast, the second woman goes her life getting those little gestures, being seen that little bit earlier, having a slightly smoother time of things.

And neither probably even realises. In a thousand small ways, Second Woman has a happier time than First Woman, entirely down to their behaviour.

If you try kindness first, you always have room to change tack without it rebounding on you too badly and fouling up your future efforts.

If you act like a shitty little tool, you are going to have a hell of a time walking that back and have probably screwed the pooch completely if it is a low stakes thing, like the example above, where there is no need to form a basis for further interactions. They're going to write you off, and will frequently inconvenience you if they can, no matter how mildly.

Being chill and being shitty are both satisfying in different ways, but only one of them actually advances your mood in a way that is going to feel more than momentarily vindicated.

Being shitty, punishing people, or being difficult or assholish from the jump, is very satisfying in the moment. But it doesn't really work out long term. You just wind up in a shittiness loop, being a dick to the world and getting dick back, and thus perpetually feeling like shit re: your position in the world. It is so bad for you to just...hate people. That's a thing that by the time you will openly say it has already turned against you and is eating away at your stability and ability to love and help yourself.

Being decent can end an annoying interaction with less conflict, which means less stress hormones or whatever, and your body literally will feel worse and form an instinctive stress response to people. Shit loop.

When it doesn't really reduce the conflict, you still have less stress hormones, AND anyone who sees you will be way more likely to think the other person is an asshole, meaning their conses have gotten way more likely to quence because they just hung their whole ass out.

Being decent FUCKS with people. Just. Fucks with 'em. They don't know what to do with it, they may back off, reality check themselves, bluescreen, or suddenly reveal a completely different emotion that was at the root of what you saw and did not like. They can't walk away and say honestly to themselves that you were rude, that the way you treated them justified the way they treated you. They may TRY to tell themselves that, but the majority still know it is a lie.

Being shitty doesn't make people change. LOVE isn't always enough to make someone change. You absolutely cannot hate people into changing. Being shitty does make them more likely to double down.

You have planted the seeds in them of realizing they are acting badly. Not all will fully realize this. The ones that do learn more from kindness than anger/cruelty.

Being cool about shit is better for you. You can give zero shits about them and still benefit from being more easygoing and less hate filled. It doesn't have to be about morality or them being people who deserve respect. It can be about not being stressed all the time because you believe you are surrounded at all times by terrible people.

I prize efficiency in interactions where there is friction. Being easygoing is extremely socially efficient.

They may behave completely differently the next time. We got dogshit service at a hotel restaurant once, but it was one we loved, and servers don't get paid enough so we still tipped generously because even an asshole might have a dependent who relies on that tip. ALWAYS TIP I know you hate it, choke it back, it isnt about teaching them a lesson, this is solidarity with the working class. Unless they are personally fucking horrible to you, like bigoted or whatnot, tip them. The next day when we went back, the same person was SO GOOD. They knew they had not done their best, I think, and proceeded to do much better. And they probably went on to have a better day and be better to people.

You do not know what the hell is going on behind the scenes. Had a nurse be kind of bitchy to me once, but I trusted the clinic and other staff, and knew they would not tolerate an asshole among them. I was doing okay that day so I was polite and respectful and as efficient as possible, and let her WEIRD behavior be her problem. Next time I saw her she was really sweet and has been ever since. There was a shadow there. What the fuck had happened that day she was unpleasant? If it had been a pattern, that is different, sometimes people are shitty. But most people are not. They're just human.

You can't get to know what people are like when they are not being assholes if you are being an asshole.

Being an asshole by default and being shitty in interactions makes you look really...I don't know the word. Weird, bad? "What's HIS problem?" "What's up THEIR ass?" "Who pissed in HER Cheerios?" It others you. It makes you look at fault. Unreliable. Unstable. Someone who can be safely dismissed.

Being nice sets a good or at least neutral baseline. Deviating from that has more impact. Being sharper when you are usually chill then becomes a means of emphasis, a signal that something is truly wrong, and not just your nature.

Seeing the better side of people is great.

Nobody anywhere ever has been perfect. I do plenty of the shit above when I am under pressure. But leaning into forbearance has made me much happier than being angry ever, ever did .

You may not make progress quickly and may not be good at it because you have not learned to be. Be open more often, though, when you can. You will be surprised to find out how many people respond very well.

People absolutely will not remember exactly what you said or did. They may not even remember your FACE. But they will not forget how you made them feel.

I am firmly of the opinion that we have to love other people at least a little (but often) or we lose ourselves to hopelessness and hate, and apathy, and those are miserable to live with inside you all the time. And they make the world so much worse.

People are not innately bad. You're just emotionally worn the fuck out and don't communicate with others often and openly enough to help overcome that.

Ugh. I am so passionate about my love for humanity. I'm sorry if this didn't make sense or words or sentences were weird. I am VERY sleepy. But had to say that hate didn't come free with your humanity. Your humanity was stripped from you by a hard world and hard life, you hurt because you feel strongly, you aren't wrong to be defensive and angry. But you deserve better. And in the end? In the end, you absolutely must participate in repairing yourself. The world can't do that for you. Not won't. It literally cannot. And you deserve better than a bitter life spent around living beings you hate without knowing.

The only things that work without rest are machines; literally everything that lives requires rest.