Wond’ring Aloud

When I look in the mirror I see who I was, I see my parents son.

When I look at myself I begin to see who I might be, I see who I have always been.

When I close my eyes I feel the woman I should be.

When I close my eyes I feel on step closer to being she.

When I speak to my parents I hear words of acceptance.

When I speak to my parents I hear my deadname.

When I hear misgendering and deadnaming I break a little inside my heart.

When I break inside I feel like the black tide of depression returning.

When I break inside I feel rising anxiety and the hints of a panic attack.

When I feel like the world doesn't see me as she it's hard to see her.

When I feel like I can't escape him he is all I can see.

When I take my estrogen I try to think of she who I should be.

When I take my antidepressants I try to think of when I won't need them.

When I can't feel love for myself I find it hard to believe I could be loved.

When I can't see myself moving forward I feel like I'm going backwards.

When I find it hard to see real acceptance from those important to me I feel broken.

When I find myself feeling broken I find myself relapsing to old habits.

When I find real acceptance when I most need it to be missing.

When I find people can't get my damned name and my true gender correct.

When I explain it hurts to be misgendered and deadnamed it's like screaming at the void.

When I explain when I'm feeling broken, I'm screaming inside my head.

Why can't I forget him.

Why can't others let me forget him.

When I can't love myself how can I love another who could accept me.

When I can't love another, how can I find someone to make me happy.

Why can't people just let me be me and leave him in the past where the pain belongs.

Well, today is the day for my follow up appointment with the gender identity clinic in London.

My last appointment (not counting the voice training at the same place) was back around the end of September/beginning of October last year when I made my request to start hrt and had made moves to start transition fully.

The 10 months in between have been a bit of a roller-coaster emotionally, but I feel so much better in myself now, so much happier and more confident than before. My dysphoria has lessened for the most part but got worse in some 'areas'. Thinking back to a blog post I read some time ago, there's something that has stuck with me, comparing your mind to a car engine, for 42 years I was running it on petrol when what it needed was diesel.

My physical development is progressing apace, but frustratingly slow at times too. Laser has been doing its job, 7 sessions into it and my facial hair has been heavily reduced, though my upper lip has been kind of stubborn and isn't going to give up without a fight. I have 1 session left on the NHS, so I may be looking at paying out for a few sessions after that.

Voice training is beginning to help, I've begun to feel like I'm beginning to be able to get my voice where I want to, but getting it to stay there is another thing. I find it so discouraging and slightly depressing when it keeps dropping back down when I don't concentrate on it.

As for future plans, I still have concerns about grs (gender reassignment surgery) despite how much I want/need it, but I'm going to request consultation to get the ball rolling now as between the first consultation and the second (I think referral requires two, I may be wrong) and the NHS waiting times I am looking at many years of waiting anyway. Plenty of time to make up or change my mind.

So yeah, big things happening 💗

Well, today is the day for my follow up appointment with the gender identity clinic in London.

My last appointment (not counting the voice training at the same place) was back around the end of September/beginning of October last year when I made my request to start hrt and had made moves to start transition fully.

The 10 months in between have been a bit of a roller-coaster emotionally, but I feel so much better in myself now, so much happier and more confident than before. My dysphoria has lessened for the most part but got worse in some 'areas'. Thinking back to a blog post I read some time ago, there's something that has stuck with me, comparing your mind to a car engine, for 42 years I was running it on petrol when what it needed was diesel.

My physical development is progressing apace, but frustratingly slow at times too. Laser has been doing its job, 7 sessions into it and my facial hair has been heavily reduced, though my upper lip has been kind of stubborn and isn't going to give up without a fight. I have 1 session left on the NHS, so I may be looking at paying out for a few sessions after that.

Voice training is beginning to help, I've begun to feel like I'm beginning to be able to get my voice where I want to, but getting it to stay there is another thing. I find it so discouraging and slightly depressing when it keeps dropping back down when I don't concentrate on it.

As for future plans, I still have concerns about grs (gender reassignment surgery) despite how much I want/need it, but I'm going to request consultation to get the ball rolling now as between the first consultation and the second (I think referral requires two, I may be wrong) and the NHS waiting times I am looking at many years of waiting anyway. Plenty of time to make up or change my mind.

So yeah, big things happening

EDIT: Well, that was an interesting appointment. The doctor was very abrupt and to the point. Was good all the same, but I need to lose at least 2stone in weight before I can be referred for grs

In recent months I have been dipping my toe back into the waters of online dating and am finding it fairly frustrating and anxiety inducing.  

On OK Cupid I get profile likes from a fair number of guys who are listed as straight, and clearly don’t read anything on my profile. Like the intro paragraph where I clearly state I am transgender/transsexual and am in transition.  Had one guy like me, thought he looked ok and so I liked back. he then sends me a message saying something along the lines of ‘sorry, i clicked like by mistake, i’m only interested in real women. I’m not interested in transgenders, whatever that is’ etc etc.  All the asshat had to do was unlike and move on rather than making me feel like crap.

On a lgbt dating site, I have got nothing but creeps, perverts and chasers taking interest (i think, i need to pay up to read some of the messages, but the ‘vip’ members who i don’t have to be a member to read are all as said).

So I figure it’s time for an update as I’ve been so quiet on tumbr for some time.  

It’s now just shy of 10 months in transition now and things are going pretty much as they have previously, a little progress physically, occasionally an emotional basketcase and crying at nothing, or at clothes I like not being available in my size (go figure).

I really do try to keep upbeat, and usually I just go about my day without giving a fuck what others say, even sans makeup.  Though I still have really bad days where the gender dysphoria hits like a truck and i feel like ‘fuck, I just look like an ugly dude in a dress’ and just want to hide away and just cry in frustration.

My voice training is coming along, I am starting to be able to get somewhere near where I want to be, but keep sliding back when i don’t concentrate on it.  Usually if I have to make myself heard I wind up slipping back to somewhere in the region of my old voice.

Laser has been progressing well, I am now at 7 of 8 sessions through the NHS and it’s really made a difference, though my top lip is stubborn and isn’t going without a fight.

I am now close to 3 months in my new job and it’s great, the people has been wonderful and supportive.  I'd been getting myself made up for work most of the time and felt better in myself for it, though I’ve just gone with a clean shave and nothing else on emotionally crap days or when my face is lumpy after laser and is recovering. Also while there has been a heatwave on.

I spent the first 2 months of the new job travelling in by train and bus, but I was at my wits end with the trains, after a recent change in timetable their reliability went to crap and made me late to work approximately half the time at least, so I accelerated my plans to buy a car and get driving again. Best choice ever, feels so good to have the added freedom!