🦌💚

The Mysterious Saint Tail

esjan, iceland

Dandelions

The kind of testing that can damage your relationships. The “pull away just to see if they’ll follow” kind. The “I’m going to say I’m fine and hope you prove I’m not too much” kind.

The “If I disappear, will you notice?” kind.

If you have BPD or struggle with abandonment trauma, this pattern might be painfully familiar.

And look, you’re not a bad person for doing it. You’re someone who was hurt. Someone who learned, probably very young, that directness wasn’t safe. That being honest about your needs got you punished, ignored, or abandoned.

So instead of asking, you test.

You might pick a fight to see if they’ll leave.

You might go quiet and hope they’ll chase you.

You might drop hints instead of clearly communicating your needs.

But here’s the truth:

Testing creates fear where you actually crave closeness. It pushes people away when you’re begging them (silently) to come closer. And it feeds the very thing you’re trying to avoid: rejection. It can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re scared people will leave and this ends up driving them to leave.

So what can you do instead?

Start small. Practice asking out loud:

“I’m scared you’ll leave. I could use some reassurance.”

“Can you check in with me later today? I get anxious when things go quiet.”

“I don’t want to test you, but I notice I do. I want to work on that.”

That’s trust. That’s vulnerability. That’s what real connection is built on.

It’s terrifying, yes.

But it’s also the first step toward a relationship that doesn’t run on fear but instead it runs on honesty.

You deserve that kind of love.