Wolves of Innistrad

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for a new year's eve thing, maybe chim and maddie/hen and karen alternate hosting at their respective places. i think they invite the usual suspects: athena and the kids, and buck and tommy. (ravi literally blocked chimney at one point in the story, and when ravi answers hen it's with a "thanks for the invite but i've got plans.") (god i hope more "recurring characters" are picked up along the way but i can't come up with them right now. maybe hen has some med school/doctor friends, or chim's desk job has some interesting people, or someone new at dispatch takes maddie up on the offer for a Fun Family New Year's.)

i think, to everyone's slight annoyance, buck and tommy don't stay the whole evening. they drop in earlyish, the kids lose their minds to see them, and then they leave at like, 10. and that's always the question: you're not staying? you have somewhere better to be? and tommy smiles big and bright with his hand on the doorknob while buck says they have a couple of more stops to make and that's so :) annoying :) but staying would be more annoying so they'll take the 30 seconds of discomfort as they make their excuses and head out the door.

before that though, there's two hours of seeing everyone and like, recapping the year. in a good year, tommy can hold down the fort and boringly talk about some new movie with chimney, mmhmm and wow that's interesting without losing his mind with the others, while buck goes off into the yard with the kids to be their favorite person for a while. he and tommy swap, too, because they all love uncle tommy who's bored at these parties, too. eventually buck and tommy come back to the adults to find out whether it's a good year or a bad year.

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in a good year, the questions aren't invasive or judgmental. in fact, they're questions. they ask buck about the trips he and tommy have taken, where they want to go next year, whether he's heard from eddie, how's the 118 and harbor doing ("doing great, chugging along" "that's good!"), any exciting plans for new year's day, what else is going on. "oh, you know, just the usual stuff, taking it easy," buck says, and that's that.

when he and tommy are back in the car, they buckle up and look at each other. "that was okay," buck says. "yeah, that wasn't horrible," tommy agrees. then they drive off to visit other friends and wherever they're bringing in the new year.

it doesn't make for good tv: buck realizing that the best way to have a relationship with his "family" is to keep them at a distance from his "real" life (aka, his life). keep things shallow and simple, firmly in their realm of experience and interest. they're still his ride-or-die in those kinds of 9-1-1 style emergencies (and it's mutual; they would do anything for him, and for tommy, in a 9-1-1 style emergency), but when it comes to the low stakes interactions? he will come out onto the porch with a big smile and keep the door firmly shut behind him.

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in a bad year, they want to come in, or buck (or tommy) have been lulled into a sense of security and they think it'll be fine to drop a crumb of their real life and everyone will act normal about it. of course they won't!

in a bad year, there's poking and prodding. there's questions about where buck and tommy went this year on one of their vacations, but they're not really questions. it's humorous conversational jabs the whole way down, and wrong-footedness, and honestly probably some jealousy as they explore the glimpse they've been given into buck and tommy's life. wow, you got away for HOW long? that's a lot. wish WE could step away from life for that long. i guess we could travel with the kids, we're always meaning to take a big family vacation overseas or somewhere, but it'd be NOTHING like what the two of you had. it's just different traveling with family, you know?

or there's questions about where they're headed after they leave/where they're celebrating the new year. maybe tommy explains that they're just going a couple of blocks over to their neighbor-friends, they're having a big open house thing- oh wow, an open house, the clean up on that must be nuts!!! starting off the year with all that MESS??? "well, no, we're adults and we clean up after ourselves, and stick around to get things in order, because they're our friends and we wouldn't do that to them even if it's after midnight." wow! sounds incredibly boring!!! buck laughs like, "we all do that, i know you guys do that after you hang out?" yeah but it's different!! we're family, those are just some people throwing a house party on new year's eve.

or there's questions about the station and buck will bristle VERY obviously about those, and shut them down even harder. come on, tell us something about ~the new 118. "don't know what to say, really, we're just chugging along." (old people love the phrase chugging along.) maybe chim or maddie use their insider info to bring up some call from the 118 or harbor that was super dramatic or didn't end well- not deliberately to make them feel like shit or cast doubt on buck or tommy as captains, but because it's something interesting to talk about. a moment when they were decidedly not chugging. and then they have to clench their jaws and struggle to talk about something personal, as important to them as their jobs, but the mood still turns.

oh, what, it's your house so now you can't do anything wrong? you can't have bad calls? that's part of the deal, man, that's what comes with the badge. didn't they tell you that in one of the leadership modules?

and buck can sometimes rush out and say something awful because he doesn't think about it, but tommy has the kind of slow-simmering anger that's really like he's sitting nearby sharpening knives and very deliberately tucking them into a drawer and sliding the drawer closed so they're out of sight/just barely out of mind. a bad year has buck getting angry, but the kids are here, athena and may and harry are here, etc. he thinks about people who have told him he loves to make scenes, he always makes things about himself, so: he doesn't say anything, as much as he wants to. he'll swallow it and shut down.

but tommy has quietly opened the drawer and pulled out a knife, or several, and just goes to town. "sorry i didn't want to talk about dismissing one of my pilots for improper behavior at your new year's eve party in front of your kids. sorry that evan didn't want to remind you that one of his engineers has been on medical leave since the summer because of a call he made that, yeah, he still feels like shit about, if you care. yeah, dispatch, as you would know our response times are way down because the county doesn't think it needs another full AirOps station, so it's harbor and only harbor with the rare hospital chopper dropping in to do me a favor. what other fun workplace stories can we trade? what about that big public funds corruption scandal, did that come across your desk, howie? hen, wasn't it leaked that your hospital enterprise is in the hole for roughly $125 mil? maddie, are you doing anything interesting lately?"

that's when one of the kids shrieks like stop fighting!!!!!! or athena does something like, everyone is going to separate parts of the house right now and getting it together, thank you. which is just enough time for buck to clear his throat and says, "actually, it's getting late and i heard some streets are closed nearby, so we should get going." and it's the easiest they've ever been out the door.

buck and tommy wait until they're like, 10 minutes away, before buck finally snaps and tommy snaps along with him.

"seriously? SERIOUSLY? did you have to-" "YES I HAD TO" "it would have passed, it always does!!! we just smooth things over and they would have-" "yeah they would have found something ELSE to pick at because it's one of those years where they remember how good you have it and they need to make sure you feel bad about it" "if i have it so good, why are we yelling at each other right now?? why am i so fucking mad at you?" "because i said what you NEVER want to say if you want to keep them in your life, and i think you LIKE IT when i do because it's this moment when you see what it'd look like if you DIDN'T have to be less than you are so they don't pick you apart, and then you feel like shit that you still can't be who you are and you still can't let them go" "go to hell, tommy. i don't want to go anywhere tonight." "fine, we won't go anywhere." "i'm just going to bed. i'm really angry. i don't want to talk to you for a while." "okay, don't talk to me for a while." "don't sound so happy about that" "i said a factual statement where i agreed with you, evan" "don't be condescending to me, tommy."

and tommy can't be anything but condescending in the moment, so he shuts his mouth and they keep driving. buck opens the window because it's hot and the silence is too loud. tommy drives and buck leans against his door, as physically far from tommy as he can get while being in the passenger seat, and they cool down.

"i'm sorry i said that. to you just now. if you want me to apologize to them for what i said-" "not really," buck admits. "it was shitty but i know them, especially chim, only take an argument or a shutdown as an answer. they don't really want conversation. just little facts, yes/no, the chance to talk about... whatever. they don't actually want me, or you." "evan." "i know that, okay? and it sucks. it sucks they're never going to change, and i have to keep showing my face if i want to see the kids, if i want to see my sister and make sure she's okay, and my friends, you know? we were friends. you were friends! it sucks. i'm sorry. if you don't want to come with me anymore, i get it." "do you want me to come with you? or do you want me to- not. sit these out, sometimes. you can always tell me if- like if i stress you out too much. if i make it worse." "i always want you there. i want you everywhere. but not if- if it's going to hurt, you know?" "of course it hurts. even good years, when we get in the car and high five because it's another year without snapping at anyone, it's because we gave them nothing. we gave them nothing of ourselves. but i don't know. it's your hurt and it's my hurt, too. i'm not going to feel better sending you off to be gnawed at by piranhas." "... sometimes they're not piranhas, right?" "... yeah, sometimes."

and they keep driving, and they don't know if they want to go to their friends' place for the new year after all, everything is so exhausting, but it's only a few blocks away, and they should put in an appearance-

"no, we're going," buck decides as they pull into their driveway. "we have champagne, it's three streets away, and we're going to be really, REALLY!!!!!! FUN!!!!!"

tommy, eyes wide in terror: "did they break you? shit, did i break you?"

"NO!!!" buck goes inside, grabs two bottles of champagne, shuts the door behind him and comes back to tommy in the driveway. "we're going to get some drinks, eat jill and terri's professional canapes, and we're going to talk to three, no, five new people, and we'll count down and make out, and help clean up, and then we'll come back here."

tommy waits, then says, "and then we'll...?"

buck shrugs, but he's smiling. "we'll be back here. we'll be home. and that's all i want."

tommy nods and holds out both hands, one to accept a bottle of champagne and the other to hold buck's hand. "i want that, too. and those chocolate mousse cups- terri made sure to tell me they ordered a ton this year. maybe we can sneak some out. we should bring that tiny insulated lunchbox we have to some back."

"did you see that recipe for the little- they were canapes with mousse, too, but you make your own shell of chocolate ganache. i'm going to make those. they'll be perfect by valentine's day and we can take a hundred of them to harbor and the 118."

everything that happened earlier- it's not forgotten. it still hurts. in the morning, buck and tommy will apologize more for hurting each other. they'll wake up to apologetic texts, and texts checking in to see how their night went, and happy new year's will be exchanged everywhere. things will scab over between buck and maddie, chimney, and hen. tommy keeps sharpening knives and putting them away.

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maybe not so weird: it's eddie who, behind buck's back, turns into his biggest defender when chim and hen make jokes about buck like how they (the three of them) used to at the beginning of theseus. absence makes the heart grow fonder and smooth over all the things that annoyed the hell out of him about buck. also, chris nags him whenever he says anything even remotely bitchy about buck.

"you can't say things like that about buck. he saved me from the tsunami. you have me because i had buck." i think that shuts eddie up, hmm, forever.

when buck and eddie see each other again, it's with actual fondness. time smoothed away the rough edges there, too. they text for birthdays and holidays, like each other's instagram posts and comment "yeah brother!!" when there are things to celebrate. when they catch up, eddie sees that put-together grown-up buck that the others don't have the distance to see. he's kind of taken aback at how different he seems, standing taller and showing him his captain's badge, bringing him around the 118 to see how it's changed, and eddie's been away long enough that it's like a force refresh on his perception- he has to see the new buck, the new 118, and he's really fucking happy for him.

(also: buck feels safe enough, in himself and in being the captain of the 118, to bring eddie around, and it's the biggest sigh of relief when it doesn't blow up in his face. i think after some years, eddie's also secure enough in himself and his life away from LA that he feels a pang of jealousy, but it fades pretty quickly because this 118 isn't his anymore. bobby's 118, eddie's 118, has been gone for a long time, and eddie knows that buck remembers it well, and loved it just as much he did. this new 118 can't touch the one he remembers.)

when eddie hangs out with the others, without buck, he asks: where's buck? is buck coming? it's weird that he's not coming but, okay. they catch up and talk, and eddie does a lot of scoffing, not at buck or about buck but for buck. "sorry, are we talking about the same buck who has his and tommy's garden planned out for the next three years? are we talking about the same guy who-" all this stuff that, if chim, maddie, hen, everyone heard about from buck or tommy, it rolled right past them. when eddie leaves, the vibe he leaves behind is very: wow, eddie's gotten kinda bitchy? bitchiER? it's good that he and buck are getting along again. i wonder what's changed? i don't know, but i guess you can't talk to buck OR him anymore without a fight. yeah seriously, let's save for later. maybe buck will say something. haha, no he won't.

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also like. TO BE CLEAR. there is more than a little meta element to this, where the "enemy" isn't chim/hen/maddie/eddie, etc., it's inertia, the kind that sets in when characters are trapped in a basic ass primetime procedural where they refuse to follow up on 22 million killer bees from one episode to the next. (#Beenado never forget)

ultimately i think i like ship of theseus more than the new jersey fic because the jersey fic was about running and i want that escape for buck- i want him to get out, one way or another, because i love my special boy and i want good things for him in canon. but ship of theseus has him getting his hands into the guts of the 118 and changing it to make it his own- just like bobby did. both of these fics were cathartic as hell and i'm so glad/proud i wrote both of them, but i think theseus was more cathartic and felt more like a resolution to the shit i've found so hateful about buck's arc since s8. (please don't pit my children against each other, i'm allowed to do that because they're mine.)