I am here.

Day 5.

Today was my weekly visit to my psychiatrist to refill my medications.

Nothing particularly special happened during today's session.

I just...

Cried.

A lot.

I'd already had a minor relapse since I woke up, so seeing my psychiatrist was exactly what I needed.

During the session, he told me there are three ways to deal with stressors.

Adapt

If you can't control the stressor or change the situation, you learn to adapt to it.

I guess that's what I'm trying to do right now.

Solve

If you can, solve the stressor.

Unfortunately, for some personal reasons, that's still not something I can do at the moment.

Flee

Walk away from the stressor.

Again...

Not an option for me right now.

The good news is that they didn't increase my dosage.

They said the medication is working well, which honestly made me really happy.

Even better, they prescribed enough medication for a whole month, so I don't have to keep going back and forth to the hospital as often.

Recovery is still a long journey.

One day, hopefully, we'll start tapering the medication.

If this is the path I have to walk, then I need to learn to accept it.

For now...

I'm just grateful that I have the help I need.

One little thing at a time.

One day.

One wake-up.

Day 4.

I didn't plan for this, but somehow these posts have turned into a chronological story of everything that's happened since April.

So...

What happened after the psychiatric ward?

I realized that...

I can't do this alone.

Even if I wanted to.

Even if I thought I used to.

All the chaos I created in my own head happened because I didn't tell anyone what I was going through.

I felt like I didn't want to pour more water into someone else's already nearly full glass.

And honestly?

I was ashamed.

Ashamed to admit that I wasn't okay.

So for years, I pretended everything was fine.

Until I collapsed.

While I was admitted to the psychiatric ward, my closest friends visited me almost every day.

That was the first time I told them what had actually happened.

They cried.

They hugged me.

And they all asked me the same question.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

At that time, I was heavily medicated.

I couldn't really feel anything.

Not happiness.

Not sadness.

I just remember answering,

"I didn't want to add more water to your glass. It was already almost full."

Looking back, I realize how unfair I was being.

Not to them.

To myself.

From that moment on, they became my people.

Every change in my condition.

Every bad day.

Every tiny victory.

I told them.

I honestly don't know what would've happened if they hadn't been there.

Even the person who once promised to take care of me wasn't there when I needed them most.

But these people were.

They showed up.

They sat beside me.

They made sure I woke up every morning.

As time went by, I slowly trusted more people to become part of my support system.

I stopped feeling ashamed of my diagnosis.

I realized that telling the people I trust isn't a burden.

It's part of healing.

Learning to trust again is part of healing.

The more people I opened up to, the more I realized how loved I actually was.

Not by one person who promised me the world...

But by so many people I am lucky enough to call my friends.

They never hesitate to ask how I'm doing.

They check on me.

They remind me that I'm not facing this alone.

So...

This post is for all of you.

If you ever stumble across this post, thank you.

Thank you for becoming my support system without ever being asked.

I love you all.

Day 3.

Yesterday, I wrote about what an episode or relapse feels like.

Now, thanks to the medication my psychiatrist prescribed, I can at least keep my brain from completely shutting down.

But what was I like before that?

I vividly remember the day everything collapsed.

I was with a friend whom I consider family. He picked me up after I sent him a goodbye text because I wanted to hurt myself. Instead of leaving me alone, he took me along while he did his daily errands.

He later told me that I was robotic the entire day.

I looked completely out of place. I barely spoke. I couldn't function properly.

I wasn't myself.

By the end of the day, he somehow managed to convince me to see a psychiatrist.

That was my first major relapse.

I cried.

And cried.

The psychiatrist asked me one question I'll never forget:

"If we let you go home today, what do you think will happen?"

I answered,

"I won't wake up tomorrow."

That was enough.

They decided I needed to be admitted to a psychiatric ward.

My friend took me to the emergency department of a government hospital that had a psychiatric unit, and I was admitted that same night.

I spent five nights there.

No phone.

No laptop.

Not even a watch.

I completely lost my sense of time.

The ward was secured behind locked doors. You couldn't leave without permission, and visitors couldn't simply walk in either. There were security guards outside.

It felt... kind of like an asylum.

Hence the title.

But honestly?

It wasn't anything like the movies.

I arrived in my room at around 4:00 AM.

They gave me my first dose of benzodiazepines.

That night, I slept like I had never slept before.

The next day wasn't as easy.

They hadn't found the right dosage yet, and I spent almost the entire day crying because I couldn't calm my mind.

Eventually, they adjusted my medication.

The last three days were... peaceful.

Quiet.

For the first time in a long time, I felt like nothing could hurt me inside those walls.

The people I met there changed my perspective.

I always thought a psychiatric ward would be frightening. Movies make them look like places full of screaming people and chaos.

It wasn't like that at all.

I met some of the most genuine people I've ever known.

They weren't "crazy."

They were people whose brains needed help, just like mine did.

One of my roommates was a 14-year-old girl living with schizophrenia.

She was one of the sweetest people I've ever met.

She told me she heard voices that urged her to hurt herself.

I still think about her sometimes, and I hope she's doing well.

When I was discharged, I continued my treatment.

Lately, my episodes have become more frequent, so I'm still taking medication and seeing my psychiatrist regularly.

But despite everything...

I'm still here.

And I'm still trying.

So yeah.

Spending five days in a psychiatric ward was never part of my life plan.

Day 2.

After yesterday's short introduction, you already know that I live with mental health issues.

Today is Sunday, 2 August 2026. My plan was simple: sleep in, watch movies, and play games. Just another quiet Sunday.

But nope.

My brain decided today was a great day to have an episode.

So here I am, awake since 6:00 AM, overthinking everything and unable to fall back asleep.

For people whose brains don't work like mine, it's probably difficult to imagine what this feels like.

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and severe depression. There was a time when I came dangerously close to taking my own life.

People often ask me, "Why?"

My life looks... normal.

I laugh. I work. I go out. From the outside, there are no obvious signs that anything is wrong.

Inside my head, though?

It's chaos.

It feels like every part of me hurts. Waking up in the morning feels like carrying a weight I never asked for. Something as simple as getting out of bed becomes a fight.

People say the little things matter.

They're right.

Sometimes, getting out of bed is the little thing.

Sometimes, brushing my teeth is the little thing.

Sometimes, staying alive is the little thing.

What does an episode feel like?

My heart aches. My body refuses to cooperate, no matter how much I tell it to move. There's nausea, vomiting, crying for reasons I can't explain, and thoughts that convince me hurting myself would somehow bring relief.

It feels like there isn't any light.

These days, I've stopped making long-term plans.

Instead, I make small ones.

One day.

One appointment.

One meal.

One movie.

One more tomorrow.

People also ask what the trigger is.

Sometimes there is one.

Sometimes there isn't.

Sometimes I feel exhausted, angry, disappointed, and heartbroken all at once.

Sometimes I keep asking myself, "I don't deserve this."

And sometimes the loudest thought of all is simply that I'll never be enough.

So...

Welcome to the chaotic mind of someone living with mental illness.

Hi, it's me again.

It's been a while since the last time I joined #31HariMenulis. I checked my old posts and realized the last one was back in 2020. Six years already.

Back in college, this challenge was part of a project in my Communication program. We were encouraged to write something, anything, for 31 days straight. This time, though, I'm doing it on my own.

I know this isn't the official #31HariMenulis period, and out of respect for the people who started it, I hope they don't mind me borrowing the idea and doing it solo.

This time, I'm also ditching the prompts. No guidelines, no themes. I'll simply write about whatever floats down from the clouds or pops into my head that day.

For this first post, I just want to share why I'm doing this challenge. It's not like I don't already have a hundred things to do, so adding "write something every day" to the list probably sounds ridiculous.

Lately, I've been journaling because of my mental health. Hold that thought, though. We'll talk about it in the next post, I promise. But journaling only scratches the surface. There are things that don't quite fit between the pages of my journal, things that deserve a little more space. So I thought, maybe it's time to write again. And if I'm going to write, why not turn it into a habit? Hence, this journey.

There's another reason, too.

I just want a reason to wake up tomorrow.

Having something to finish, no matter how small, gives me a purpose on days when all I want to do is stay in bed. Completing these 31 posts feels like a promise I'm making to myself.

The thing I'm most afraid of is oversharing. But then again, who reads Tumblr anymore? 😂 I have, what, 12 followers? So maybe I'll be a little blunt, maybe a little careful. Either way, these next 31 days will probably be the most honest I've been in a long time.

So finally, we're at this finish line of 31 Hari Menulis. I never skipped a day and it feels awesome! The hardest part of doing this challenge was keeping the mood to write. And of course, it's so hard to find a topic. When I read about my post for this past 31 days, most of them are on how to keeping up with the broken heart which I had several years ago. If you ask why maybe it's because of how I handled it pretty back and I wanted to revisit and make the closure.

I did this challenge before and now I did it again, yet succeeded at it again. By writing every day, it makes me think that I missed going to college with all of the assignments and critical thinking of writing. Somehow, in the future, I want to chase my dream to be at school again because I actually love school. 

And as you know, we're in this difficult time of the pandemic. This challenge is one of the ways to cope with the situation that we're currently at. A lot of bad things happened so far until this middle of the year. Losing some of the important people, WWIII almost broke out, the pandemic, and now we're dealing with racism. With writing, at lease (for me) I can get rid of the negative mind of my head.

The other thing that I am currently doing is learning how to speak Spanish. I am doing it using Duolingo. I found that speaking Spanish and pronounced it sound sexy. And as now I am trilingual, I want to try to be four linguals. And that's how I am coping with the situation that really makes me tired nowadays.

So the last day and we make it! Maybe I will start the 31 Hari Menulis again soon or make it annually. Or maybe I will start a different project, or going to school again. So thank you the 31 Hari Menulis admin, for making this project and force me to write once again. 

What Johnny Depp said about? I remember one quote that I really love from him, thou then I also found it on my sis blog.

If you love two persons at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really love the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second

Well, apa yang kamu pikirkan?

Sedangkan menurut saya, itu tidak semudah yang ditulis. Bayangkan saja, selingkuh itu tidak melulu tentang cinta. Saya sendiri sering berkelakar “lo pilih mana, laki lo selingkuh pake otak atau cuma pake otot?” Dan hampir semua teman saya menjawab, “jelaslah pake otot, kayanya kalo cuma begitu masih bisa dimaafkan lah”.

SALAH!! Dua-duanya tetap tidak enak dan tetap menyakitkan. Menurut saya (lagi), if you slept with someone, you must be have (maybe a supertiny one) a heart or feeling for him/her. It’s digusting if you shared your body liquid with random person right? RIGHT?????

Tapi ada sih beberapa pria yang kemudian tertangkap selingkuh dan bilang iseng atau apalah yang intinya ga pake feeling. Well you are indeed the worst. Tipe yang seperti itu aku yakin, ngeliat kambing pakai g-string juga pasti udah dihajar.

But then the women, what makes you so low sleeping anywhere and anytime with any man you can find. Saya sampai saat ini gak habis pikir sama wanita yang memutuskan tetap mempertahankan hubungannya ketika sang pria sudah beristri atau masih pacaran. Saya tau dan sadar perbandingan pria dan wanita ini jauh sekali berbeda tapi please deh. Are you that low?

Dan prinsip saya ketika saya berhadapan dengan masalah seperti ini, saya tidak akan mengejar sang wanita untuk saya cakar atau bakar (kecuali she deserved it dan emang perlu), tapi saya akan lebih mendiskusikan apa yang terjadi, mengapa dan bagimana selanjutnya.

Well, I must be already meet my second one because even if he cheated like hell, I still can’t think any person in mind.

Wrap it all, do love your man/woman right. If you meet another person, just remember what you loved about your man/woman in the first place. And repeat all over again. Don’t ever forget why you choose him/her to fallen with

.

Compensate. make up for (something unwelcome or unpleasant) by exerting an opposite force or effect.

Compromise. an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

Ketika dua orang memutuskan untuk berpasangan, dan timbul perselisihan, hal berikutnya yang akan terjadi biasanya (dan normalnya) adalah berkompromi. Jika terjadi kesepakatan, kemudian mereka akan membuat kompensasi. Atau bubar. Sounds like bussiness right? But hell it’s true

Contohnya, the grown up couple tends to make a simple mistake that more about a habit that the other part doesn’t find it comfortable. Then they will compromise and compensate, until their rest of time.

And how people compensate and compromise each other depends on their problem pov. Some peeps tend to yell and throw all the things near them. Some peeps do the self distruct like hurting themselves and also drunk like out of mind. Believe me I’ve been there, but believe me once again, that’s not gonna solve your problem

As I grow and met lots of people, I tried to be more compensate and compromise. Because words can kill a thousand times than a blade. And it’s not work only on your relationship, but also on your daily problem.

But for a cheating, it’s gonna be little hard to compensate and compromise, because you don’t know the damage result and also how deep they involved. As for me, cheating cannot be compensate. But still can be compromise, yang akhirnya adalah bubar

Or maybe the best way also you can also cheat. But that’s not gonna end your problem. Then you just end up with hurting each other. I can’t take no more lies and heartache. And I don’t want the karma finds me. Simple as that.

Ketika hatimu sedang jatuh cinta, hujan berarti syahdu. Setiap denting hujan yang terdengar menyapa bumi adalah syair yang mendongengkan cerita kasmaran. Yang setiap kamu mengingatnya, you can’t help it but smile.

Namun hujan mempuyai sisi lain. Ia adalah pemuja sendu. Hatimu yang sedang terluka akan dibuat beribu kali sakitnya. Hujan menghantarkan kepingan kenangan demi kenangan yang sangat ingin kamu lupakan. Seperti tau, hujan enggan berhenti dan terus menyiksamu untuk mengingat.

Apa arti hujan hari ini untuk saya? Hari ini hujan masih mengantar saya untuk merasa. Perasaan bersalah yang masih tidak kunjung berhenti. Berpikir lagi apakah saya sudah mengambil langkah yang tepat. Lalu berpikir dan berandai lagi ending yang lain.

Hujan hari ini membawa saya mengingat kembali pada saat saya sudah siap melepas kenangan. Ketika masa terberat, masa dimana saya merasa sendirian, dan masa dimana saya merasa dunia hanya menertawakan saya. Itu adalah masa dimana saya dipersiapkan untuk berjalan lagi meninggalkan semua. Yang kemudian saya diperjuangkan kembali untuk bisa memulai.

Hujan hari ini mengingatkan saya untuk tidak menyakiti. Ia juga mengajarkan untuk memaafkan. Ketika saya sudah lulus ujian bersabar dan bersadar, ia mengingatkan lagi bahwa hati mudah untuk disakiti. Ia mengingatkan sakit saat saya melihat, mendengar dan merasakan. Saat terlintas di pikiran saya untuk membalas, hujan lalu berkata untuk apa? Saya berterima kasih, karena entah saya akan merasa bersalah seperti apa jika saya membalas.

Hujan hari ini menyadarkan dan mengingatkan saya kembali bahwa hati seperti rumah. Bagaimanapun saya lari atau berjalan. Kemanapun saya bersiap untuk pergi, pada akhirnya saya selalu pulang. Hujan juga berpesan pada saya untuk kembali percaya pada rumah, walaupun sederhana namun ia selalu menawarkan kehangatan. Hujan memberikan saya nasehat, bahwa ketidakpercayaan bisa membuat rumah itu rusak.

Pada akhirnya, saya mendengarkan hujan untuk masuk kembali ke dalam rumah. Saya berpesan kepada hujan, tetaplah datang silih berganti dengan terang. Rumah sederhana ini butuh sedikit rumput hijau yang akan memberi warna lagi pada kehidupan kami.

Aku masih jelas mengingatnya. Bahkan perasaan waktu itu juga masih terasa sampai sekarang.

Sudah beberapa hari aku memikirkan dia. Tidak ada berita, tiba-tiba aku menemukan beberapa gambar yang membuatku bertanya, ini siapa?

Hari berlalu, aku makin bertanya ketika gambar itu mulai semakin membuatku resah. Kita memang sudah tidak bersama, tapi secepat itukah? Bahkan musim belum berlalu.

Lalu aku bersiap untuk pergi, ketika dia datang lagi. Persis seperti malam ini, dengan satu kata, sejuta cerita, maksud dan makna terungkap. Aku lantas tidak tertidur hingga pagi.

Bedanya, saat itu kita merangkum 7 tahun dengan cerita nostalgia. Hari ini kita merangkum 7 tahun dengan kenyataan.

Hari yang sama-sama aku sesali. Hari dimana seharusnya aku diam. Hari itu, beberap bulan yang lalu, hari dimana harusnya aku berhenti dan sadar bahwa semua tidak akan pernah sama. Bahwa akan ada yang terluka.

Egoku terlalu kuat. Rinduku sudah tidak terbendung. Itu adalah hari dimana seluruh rasa seakan meluruh dan bumi mendengar doaku. Namun juga menjadi hari yang saat ini ku andaikan tidak pernah terjadi.

Pasti akan menjadi cerita yang lain.

Apa yang bisa diperbaiki atas segala yang sudah terucap.

Aku selalu berusaha pergi. Ketika dia menyuruhku pergi, saat itu aku tau cerita kita sudah berakhir. Namun siapa yang menyangka dia datang memberi harapan.

Harapan yang membunuh semua hati. Tidak hanya satu perasaan yang dipertaruhkan. Bahkan harapan itu merupakan judi terbesarku.

Aku membakar jembatan yang menghubungkanku dengan realitas. Sudah tidak ada jalan kembali untukku selain maju. Pertaruhanku terlalu besar akan harapan.

Sekarang setelah tau apa maksud dibalik itu, aku baru sadar aku terlambat. Mungkin ini saatnya untuk pertaruhan terakhir dengan segala daya yang masih kupunya.

Lebaran kali ini sungguh terasa berbeda bagi sebagian besar orang. Biasanya, semua berkumpul di rumah, saling mengunjungi keluarga, dan bersilaturahmi. Aku memutuskan untuk tidak pulang kali ini. Bukan karena keinginanku, namun karena suasana dan keadaan yang tidak memungkinkan. Tahun ini, ku habiskan Lebaran jauh dari rumah dengan suasana yang sama sekali berbeda. 

Aku berasal dari daerah dimana kaum mayoritas tinggal dan aku adalah salah satu mayoritas itu. Sejak pindah ke Bali dan menjadi minoritas, hampir semua keadaan berubah. Dan salah satu yang paling kurasakan adalah ketikan Ramadhan dan Idul Fitri. Tidak terdengar saut-sautan takbir dari masjid ke masjid. Tidak ada derai canda dan tawa anak-anak ketika sahur atau seusai tarawih. Dan tidak ada buka bersama yang biasanya dilakukan bersama teman-teman.

Sejak beberapa hari yang lalu, aku sudah merasa khawatir akan hari Lebaran kali ini karena tidak bisa di rayakan bersama keluarga. Aku mencoba menghubungi beberapa teman dan merencanakan halal bihalal kecil-kecilan tidak lebih dari 5 orang. 

Hari ini, saat Lebaran pertama kali jauh dari rumah, aku tetap merayakan dengan orang-orang tersayang dan keluarga. Bedanya, mereka adalah keluargaku disini. Di saat mereka pulang dan aku bebersih sendirian, aku berpikir tentang makna Lebaran yang sampai saat ini luput olehku karena aku selalu mempunyai kebiasaan yang sama di setiap Lebaran, yaitu berkumpul dengan keluarga inti.

Makna Lebaran bukanlah tentang baju baru, berkumpul dan basa basi, namun lebih menghabiskan waktu dengan orang terdekatmu dan bersyukur atas semua yang berkecukupan. Tidak perlu merayakan secara besar-besaran, pesta kecil sederhana sudah bisa mewakili makna Lebaran itu sendiri. Walaupun jauh dari keluarga inti, I have another family here. Dan momen dengan keluarga inti pun tetap terjaga dengan berbagai teknologi yang tersedia.

Currently, I am in a big city. A very big city when you walk in a blink of an eye you see a building and you're lost. It's so far away from I came from, a different world, and here's where he lives all this time leaving me. So I think to myself, this is the way he lives without me. His dream, the path that he chooses. What can I do after all beside pray for him? not even for us. Never on my life I've been so sure for one thing. It's him for the beginning.

As he sleeps, I silently crying while pour of my heart, wishing that someday he will read what's on my mind. As I can say that you can make it now, even it's without me, I am okay. I am so glad that I can make it through here. Now you're okay without me. Maybe someday baby, I will go and you will never know.

The way that we meet we fall in love, we have stories, we choose our own way and it's now okay if we arrive on a different path. It's my way to leave you and it's you away to be here.

Well baby, make your own story from now on. I'll be still here, watching, stand still, right at your heart.

Don't forget to smile, that's the best of you. Don't forget to sing, that's your life. Don't forget to pray, that leads you to your destination and guide you when you're lost. And forget me, I may slow the way.

Ketika kamu mempunyai seseorang yang setiap hari dengan senang hati bersamamu, memberikan semua yang pasti dia miliki, termasuk hati dan hidupnya. Dia yang saat kamu dalam keadaan apapun selalu ada. Memelukmu dan mencium keningmu sebelum kau tertidur. Selalu mencari tanganmu seakan takut akan kehilanganmu. Semua masalah yang ada di dunia seakan terlupa, seberat apapun masalah akhirnya akan terlupa pula, dan lagi. Kau tidak takut akan apapun. 

 Lalu dia menghilang, satu-satu semua berubah. Mulai dari jarak yang memisahkan. Kehilangan pegangan untuk hidup hingga kau tidak tau harus berbuat apa. Setiap nafas, detak jantung serta langkahmu terasa berat karena kau sudah tak mempunyai pegangan, lantas apa yang kaulakukan selain mencari ketenangan?

Awal mula jarak yang memisahkan, kita berusaha mencari cara untuk mencuranginya. Mulai dari kata-kata penenang, mulai dari mencari cara untuk bertemu, segala macam teks dan gambar yang terkirim hingga doa yang keluar dari setiap sujud, masih belum mampu meredam apa yang sebenarnya kita rasakan.

Lalu apakah kita akan terbunuh oleh jarak? Apakah kita akan menyerah? Sebagian dariku telah lelah. Aku seperti berhenti mengejar yang aku sendiri pun tak tau apa yang sedang ku kejar. Aku seperti berada dalam alam paralel antara realitas yang ada dan kenyataan yang aku coba untuk lari.

Aku menyerah akan kita. Aku yang akan menyerah karena aku terlalu lelah untuk berjuang sendiri. Dari mulutku aku pernah berkata aku akan bertahan dan berjuang sendiri walau kau tak mau. Maaf.

Hello you,

When you asked why I slept with you, I simply can't answer it yet back then. If you want to know the reason why just read...

I slept with you because I thought I could handle the sensation. That, even if nothing came of it, I’d get some experience. Have some fun. Inject a little excitement into my dull life. That I know you were trying to protect your heart, just like I was, by spilling falsities.

Things that I didn't expect, I didn’t think I’d lose complete control over my emotions. That I’d tumble deeper and deeper into the idea of being you. That I’d make it even harder for myself to deal with not having you. With being just another number to you.

Then it continues. I slept with you because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Because, if I couldn’t enter a real relationship with you, then sleeping with you was my best alternative. I wanted to be close to you. I wanted to touch you. To have you all to myself. Even if that meant I had to do it casually. Even if that meant I only owned you for the day.

I slept with you, even though you seemingly weren’t looking for something serious but your actions said otherwise. Your actions said you were ready. That you wanted me. That I was going to be something, even if it took a little time for me to earn it.

I slept with you because you led me on with mixed signals. You never told anything, but then you texted me and cuddled with me and whispered secrets into my ear. How could I believe I meant nothing to you after all that? How could I keep telling myself that I was just a sex object, something for you to play around with when your actions said otherwise? Your actions convinced me you liked me as much as I liked you.

I slept with you because I was crazy about you and I hoped that the sex would make you crazy about me, too. Because it means something to me and I can’t understand how you could intertwine your naked body with mine without developing feelings for me. Because I thought sex would be the answer to my problems, that it would transform you to be more than a friend.