Believe you can and you're halfway there.

So today was a good, perfect example of Friday the 13th! Things were fine until I started flipping out about being social and upset Taylyn. Yeah.... Then I got upset and basically sounded like I was about to break up with her. NOT GOOD. We are both anxiety ridden creatures who need love and reassurance most of the time. But I sometimes need to be alone or I mentally crack. (Examples being my last two roommates who I pissed off and haven’t talked to me since) My introvertedness is uncontrollable too. Missed out on eating Chili’s on campus because of it. Sitting in here watching Netflix and singing to myself because of it. My biggest wish on this damn planet would be to be able to snap my fingers and be able to socialize with literally anyone I wanted and get along with lots of people. I’ve been jealous of extroverts my entire life. I grew up in a hella sheltered home with my autistic twin sister who never wanted to interact with anyone else. My parents treated me the same way as her in every way unfortunately. My social skills growing up were horrific. I’m slowly getting better, but it’s going to take an enormous amount of work and effort on my self confidence. I am just now getting to the point where I can casually talk to a stranger if they initiate a conversation, but I can’t be in a group setting without becoming a minor character in the background who never says anything. IT BLOWS. Whereas Taylyn can lead and hold conversation for hours. I always feel like the little kid who got dragged to Walmart with her father and he sees someone he knows, which leads to the adults talking for about thirty minutes straight while I stand there too timid to tell my father I’m about to pass out and actually do in the Walmart bakery section to the shock and disbelief of many employees who give me frosting and water once I wake up. (True story) Like no. That’s not how socialization works. What annoys me so much is that this trait of mine plagues me on a daily basis! I can’t escape it. People are all like, “Well you gotta speak up. Have conversation.” YEAH I KNOW. I’M TRYING??? I either get cut off or flat out ignored because people already know I’m quiet and have officially lost all interest in ever talking to me again. What am I supposed to do at that point? This is the reason I have trust issues. This is the reason I get depressed almost daily when I’m sitting by myself to eat in my room or see Taylyn using my phone to answer her 50+ fb messages and notifications every morning. I love having Taylyn around and I always will, but I need a friend outside of her too. I have no one to talk to about how much I love her and want to talk about her. I have no one to hang out with. She takes me along with her friends and I just feel so out of place. I know they don’t want me there. They act all nice and sympathetic just because I’m “Taylyn’s fianceé”. That’s all I’ll ever be I guess. A title. A shadow. Never an individual. 

I have absolutely no idea what I want to do in the future. I’ve screwed myself over in classes. I may not be able to graduate for another full freaking year because I make spontaneous decisions without thinking of the consequences. I quit band making myself technically part time for this semester and I have no clue what that does to you. I can’t decide on a career. I’m growing more and more depressed with class work as the day goes by. (Even when I don’t have any homework as of right now.) I feel freakishly old. Everyone in my grade will have graduated by next semester. I was forced to have everything ripped from me status wise in KKPsi so I feel super empty inside. If I want to take 18 credits next semester to catch myself up a little bit, I have go early alumnae with SAI and probably never speak to KKPsi brothers again. Not to mention how horribly the election appears to be going and my vote won’t count for crap. 

A huge part of me just wants to move to Canada and be done with it all. Screw my family. Screw my two friends here. Screw finishing this education. I’ve already lost everything besides my girlfriend. I remember wanting a relationship so badly when I was a freshman here. I felt so out of the loop. I felt like the biggest loser ever because I had never dated anyone. And now look at me. 

Yes I love her tons and tons with all my heart and I always will. She is far from ever being an issue. It’s just the rest of my life that’s falling to crap. Like what am I supposed to do? I feel isolated. I have no friends really to turn to anymore. I’m scared to step foot in the music building now because I feel judged for quitting band. I have nowhere to go. 

All I know is this university is getting perpetually worse and worse and I’m working my ass off for basically two pointless degrees and I’m not entirely sure if I can last another year here. I can’t transfer anywhere because I’m so damn close to being done! Agh. This sucks. I’m not happy. Without the marching band, this school means nothing to me. That’s the only reason I had even heard of Western Carolina to begin with. And even that was horrible. Why does my life entail so many disappointments? I’m trying to branch out. Taylyn’s basically dragging me along to every activity and organization she’s a part of, but I just feel so dependent and backgroundish. Like I’m just her girlfriend and nothing else. I don’t want to just be a title. I want to be independent and do things I enjoy that I bring her along to as well.