if you're really chill about a lot of stuff, you will eventually become The Person Who Can Be Told Things and unlock a secret extra layer of knowledge about your friends

i love people so much that im trying to be one myself. its a bit crazy, i know…

under my tyrannical rule all characters will be on the aroace spectrum

the year is 2035. the new beauty standard is for women to cut their ears off, as ears are a masculine trait which make the face look too big and hearing isnt necessary as it doesnt align with being demure. evil feminists say perhaps this is unnecessary and ears are natural. women are agressively proclaiming they are cutting their ears off due to sensory issues

you want me so bad it makes you look Intelligent and good taste

Charlie Kirk is scheduled to speak at UVU. I have the opportunity to do the funniest thing of all time

IT WASN'T ME I PROMISE

the actor earnestly explains at one point the fitness routine he undertook to ‘get in character’ for the part of the ‘heroic commander’ while pointing at various melon-sized muscle groups. vimes himself is sitting there shoveling something that’s 98% grease by volume into his face and also staring balefully. he’s never done a pushup in his life. he wouldn’t know a fucking pushup if it spat on him in the street. sybil is doing her absolute best not to laugh and her best is nowhere good enough. the actor, encouraged by the (presumably) admiring male stares and flirtatious female giggles, goes on to describe his hair-care regimen.

after my last concussion I had this weird thing for a few weeks where I like, didn't want to get hurt? like if I thought I might get hurt doing something that made me not want to do it. has anyone else ever experienced this?

The 'ingredients you can pronounce means it's healthy' line implies a world in which the kind of nutrition a person requires scales with their biology education and grasp of phonics. Which isn't true, of course, but sure would imply some interesting worldbuilding if it were

"Potassium cyanide. Arsenic trioxide. Polonium 210. Tetrachlorodibenzodioxin," I say, smugly and with full confidence, before downing the glass of wine my political rival insisted on pouring for me. Seconds later, she watches with a smirk as I collapse writhing to the ground, in the knowledge that I never could hit that "R" in "pinot noir" quite right

you people will make anybody a daddy dom it’s so scary

everyone who is not currently in the process of moving please pause and take a moment to be grateful that you're not currently in the process of moving

[pushing my glasses up with an air of unwarranted superiority and gesturing toward a painting without a minotaur] the Minotaur is implied.

hey babe im gonna be home late tonight do you mind picking up dinner. yeah sorry the king has us working over time, some fuckin egghead sat on the wall and had a GREAT fall. we've got all the men working on this but idk if we're gonna be able to put him back together again. yeah we've tried the horses. ok bye love you.