When We Imagine

Last night I was sitting in on a class my church offered during its NIA Academy sessions and they were covering Philippians 3.  Whenever that particular instructor would teach a class I would mentally check out because something about her delivery was too much for me.  Last night was an exception, instead of checking fully out I was half tuned in.  (Side Note: I do have ADD so it’s not anything against the instructor it’s hard to get me to focus anyway.)

In one of my moments of paying attention the instructor said, “People like to say if you do this God, then I’ll do that. They like to negotiate with the Lord. That’s not how it works”.  My ears immediately perked up. I’m not sure what came before that phrase or what made her say that.  All I know is it took me back to my first semester in college, I was 18, a very close friend of the family was dying, my grandmother was dying, I was failing my classes, and  I was trying to help everyone but myself ... depression was my best friend.

By the time I was 18 I had a faith in God that was unquestioning.  I never doubted Him.  He spoke to me often and when I would hear Him give me clear instruction I would move as He told me to move.  With that being said at such a young age I thought I had the kind of relationship that if I did what He asked me to do then I could negotiate what I wanted in life rather than what I needed and He wanted.  

What did I want more than anything in the world at the ripe old age of 18?  I wanted my grandmother to be able to see me be a mom.  It was a fall day in a cold dorm room, my heater didn't work, I had skipped classes to stay in bed and cry the day away.  In my mind I imagine looking a lot like David crying out to God.  I would cry and cry and cry and talk to Him, yell at him, question Him, and beg Him to fix her.  I am not sure when in the process He made it clear that she would not be healed but that’s when I started the negotiating for time and a baby.  The conversation went exactly like this *add gasping for air and loud sobbing noises between words*:  “God give me a baby before she goes, that’s all I want.  I want her to be able to see me be a mom.  I will do anything you ask me to do. Just give me a baby.  When she dies I will have nobody to love me like she loves me.  A baby has to love me unconditionally I am their mom.  I want her to be able to see me be a good mom. God what do I have to do?”

This prayer went on for around a year and a half.  Then one summer day I found out I was pregnant at the age of 20.  Better yet my grandmother was still alive!!!  I was so ecstatic.  Her health was going down hill and she only lived to see my son’s first birthday, so the timing was just perfect.  God does answer prayers ... right?!?  Or was it the devil?  I mean how could it be the devil?  I have a beautiful son, who by the way is 12 now.  

If I listed everything that has happened in my life to justify my questioning of who I actually negotiated with you will surely fall asleep or close the browser and never come back to my blog again.  To sum it up in a 10 year span I lost 12 family members/close family friends, watched two family members battle it out with major drug addiction, got married to an abusive husband in every form of abuse you can think of, got a divorce, lost custody of my son and on and on and on ... until one day two years ago I decided that was the day I would just end it all.  Did I sell my soul to have a child in time for my grandmother to see them?  I think I might have.

I am not one hundred percent certain because I would expect to be cold from God.  Instead down deep somewhere inside there was a grain of faith, smaller than a mustard seed, that kept me holding on even when I didn’t want to.  Was it me holding on or was God carrying me?  I believe it was God.  In the midst of all the chaos I never stopped to “pray a deal”/negotiate for anything.  My son was the one and only negotiation I had ever made.  To say the least I’m grateful it only took me once to realize you can’t negotiate with God.  Now I have to just sit back and let Him lead me through this.  I have no doubt when the deal was being made with the devil God said “you’re not going to take her”.  Every day is a struggle but I know every day when I fall short God will cover the rest.  I just have to be patient and know He’s working it all out for the good.

Romans 8:28The Message (MSG)

Today I had a conversation with a friend about this very topic ... Self Pride ... she hit me up saying that her "checklist" for how to love was 1 Corinthians 13 the whole thing.  Yet she realized and acknowledged that she is only human and can not meet every item in these verses 100% everyday.  At her best she thought she's at a 65% for the year.  She admitted to struggling with verse 5:  love does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered.  So I asked God for an answer that would shed light on her struggle and this is what he gave me:

Always be mindful of your pride.  There are many times when we blame our actions on  many other things, but if we look deep beneath the surface, it is pride that is always preventing us from loving completely.  We feel we deserve certain things, that things should be done on our time or our way, etc., and things like being easily provoked, envying, being impatient, and keeping records of wrongs is due to pride.  If you take the opposite of everything in that verse it would look like this:

PRIDE is impatient, PRIDE is unkind, it DOES envy, it DOES boast, it dishonors, is self-seeking, and easily angered ... etc.

So my conclusion to her was PRIDE is THE GREATEST ENEMY of LOVE because LOVE involves submitting to others and PRIDE consists of consumption of self.

Leona Lewis ~ Footprints In The Sand