What is the fking meaning of life?

Hiya, my name's Saiko. I am 24, 25 in August.

I use this blog mainly for venting and just posting about my life, kinda like a diary.

I have diagnosed depression, bpd, adhd, social anxiety, general anxiety and perceptual disorders(its what google translated)

On here i post about my life, which includes my journey of staying clean of sh, i am not going to force anyone to stay clean neither will i tell someone to cvt. I am just trying to recover.

Also i am fkng fat and want to lose alot of weight.

DNI

The usual dni

well i have a pseudo tumor and increased intracranial pressure. Which is putting oressure on my optic nerve. Which if it doesnt get treated i could go blind. The medication against it makes me have nerve pain and nerve cramps. i cant work anymore, i am too afraid to leave my house because what if i get a cramp outside and i would fall to the ground screaming and crying in pain

my brain tells me ways i could end myself. and i need to fight it with ever might i have left, it is tiring.

The first week was exhausting, and i dont know if i wanna get up for my next week. I am scared to open up to them. Scared that they also will make me feel stupid.. i dunno i am just scared

You are nothing.

Your life is meaningless.

Unimportant.

Looser.

Youbdeserve this.

It is your own fault.

why am i never enough? why is everything i do not good enough or just plain wrong.

I am not sick enough for the docs, i am not healthy enough for a normal life.

i feel like i am just wrong. wrong in this life, wrong in this body, wrong in this fkng world.

i have to remind my ex to certain things, why? i am not his damn mother.

even my therapists says, "well why do you stress now with the divorce?" because when i dont stress now, he will stress in a few months again.

if i dont do it now, if i dont remind him now, if i dont plan for him now, he will get angry.

I dont wanna get screamed at everyday anymore. I wanna have my peace i dont wanna wake up. i cant.

why do i have to be the nice part? why do i have to give in, why do i have to give myself up just for the sake of my sanity. my sanity is already fkng gone.

why do i have to deal with this shit when my hornones are fkng all over the place and i fkng dont know why. I had an operation 2 years ago, they fixed my ovaries, my skin was too thick so my egg cells couldnt do their job and they just "d13d" in my ovaries and they looked like cysts. so they fixed that and they said if the op is succesfull i could get kids, if not it might get very hard. now since a year i dont have my period regulary. And this month, i bl33d for a night, then 3 days nothing then 2 days bl33d. And all i can think about is that my fkng only dream in my life might fade away every fkng day. I wanna have kids in my life so damn bad.

But look at me, i am fkn ugly, overweight. Have sh scars, my mental is damaged af. And now it feels like even my reproduction organs dont want me to fullfill my dream.

i havent taken my meds since 3 weeks in hope to loose some weight. But i am too scared to step on the scale.

My headache is worse again. i drink almost 9 litres of water in under 3 days. and since 3 days i cant fucking stop crying.

It doesnt off me to fucking dial the number and speak to a person.

My therapist says i need to call the day clinic to ask how far along i am on the waiting list, since i told them i can start in august.

I called yesterday, the nice lady told me that the secretary is not here and i should call again today morning. So i called them again and the nice lady again told me the secretary is not here she should be back in tomorrow.

She was so nice, had a soft voice and after we hang up i broke out in tears, it feels like i wanna fucking scratch the skin of my body, i feel so much pain.

like i dont wanna feel this tired and exhausted anymore. i have no strength for existence.

nothing makes sense, nothing is okay. too useless for anything. i wake up, i am tired, i nap, i am tired, i do smth i usually like, i am too tired to do it. like i could sleep forever and still feel tired.

i am fking 24 (25 next month) and i achieved fking nothing in my life. got married, and am now divircing, bought a house i cannot pay off. am an apprentice and even tho my work is the most perfect work in existence, i feel like i dont deserve it since i've basically been called in sick for over half a year.

Am taking my meds, they dont work, try to sleep, still tired.

i have no money and my cat is sick, at least our vet is the best, she cares more for the pets than for money.

i cant get new meds for me, since i have no drivers license nor a car. and we live in a small place, the nearest shopping opportunity is over 1 hour away by foot. the bus only drives once an hour but sometimes it leaves out some hours.

My great grandfather, the only father figure i had in my life, wants to already go in forever sleep. I underdtand it he is almost 90 and sick, and i shouldnt care cause he also had been a horrible parent to me.

My family sucked and still sucks. i have not one person in my life that i can trust fully. The only person i feel safe with is my boyfriend, who lives almost 11 hours away.

What is the meaning of my life? like i had to be the worst person alive in a past life or else i dont understand why i have to exist in this shithole of a life.

I am not worthy enough, i am just stupid and bad and weak and unimportant. I did so much, i tried so hard while on vacation. And nothing happend. I feel disgusting. I feel like i will never lose weight. I am gonna fast again. As soon as my boyfriend will drove home on saturday, i will fast again. Till then i have to eat but i can always stay under 1000 cals per day. And i can always go for long walks with my dog and boyfriend to burn more cals.

It was wonderfull i burnt a minimum of 600c@ls per day. I still feel f@t and i am extremely curious but also unsure about finding out my weight.

I am cle@n of $h for a week now.. i wanna do it again. i wanna feel the bl00d again. I know i mustnt cvt, i know i should stay clean. i know i should be the perfect little girlfriend for this man. I know he wont be mad. I know he will still love me. But i cant let him get sad again..

Why are Addict10ns so hard? Why do i feel so weak. Why does it feel like i am a usless little beach(did that on prupose). Why do i feel like this? i have the most perfect man in my life. And i still feel like i get nothing done right..

We do eat but he is so proud of me when i burn almost 1000 c@ls per day

he is my biggest fan.

Yesterday we were in the ocean the whole day, even tho he gets cold so easily, he tried to "swim" a bit with me, then he went back to fullfill his childhood dream of building a sandcastle. And today we were at a small tropical zoo, i had a kids pizza for lunch and some bread with some chicken ham for breakfast.

I even saved a bird today, it flew in a restaurant and crashed in the glass windows and i went in to capture it with my jacket and took him outside and let him rest in my hand till he was feeling well enough to fly away again

On the bright sight i am now on my way to my boyfriend starting time 7pm and arrival the next day 7 am plus minus, if the bus is late or traffic hits.

I dont understand how this man keeps up with me, it's one year now. One year long distance relationship. He loves me even tho i cvt. He says its part of me and he understands that i sometimes just need to do it. I dont have to hide my sc@rs around him, even with his family or friends. He says that if they have smth agains my sc@rs they can go.

I dont understand how he still loves me with all my extreme mood swings, with my huge aggression, and the fact that i will get mad at him for literally no reason. And that i am fking fat. He says its okay, he loves me. not he still loves me. No he says he loves me. I dont understand how he can love a fat pig like me. Since he is skinny..

Sometimes i feel like a huge red flag, he still stays with me. And holds me when i cry or helps me take care of fresh cvts.

He helps me with tension, and also when my jaw hurts. He lets me bite him, it helps me to calm down easily.

I usually sleep up to 11 hours per night.