#sh trigger

Officially, I have broke my sh-free period. I did it month ago already, but I didn't leave the mark. This one will do. Adding a new scar to my collection.

No one would notice it anyway. If they do, they'd pretend they didn't. They'd pretend they don't see the bandaid and the very bottom of my left forearm, which is already covered in scars from ling ago. And no one would ever notice there's new one once it will be healed.

Only I know that there's 52-57 lines there on my left arms+2 on the shoulder. I counted them once, out if curiosity.

Now it will be either 53 or 58.

I don't feel the relief it used to bring so long ago. It didn't hurt. If you were into that, you know that when it does not hurt it means it's deep.

I feel disgusted. I remember the time when I saw that fat layer in the depth of the line, long ago. I felt disgusted. This process is disgusting. But I did it because this slight pull on the wound is grounding me.

There's a lot of ways to sh without a mark. I used some of them subconsciously, not being aware. But I did the classic now.

I can't stop thinking about the veins on my feet that stand up so perfectly. Its one of this thoughts that has you actually shrinking but you still think about it. Woud it hurt? I hope not.

I had a panic attack tonight. I kept hitting my chest to try and make it stop but I couldn’t stop hitting myself. I just wanted to feel something. To fix my breathing. I was going to pass out. How could I ever tell them?

I remember wanting to cvt so deep that all my problems would go away, and that my parent wouldn’t care. Now that I’m old enough to be a parent and have someone I do love, I realize I was wrong. I care. I care an ungodly amount. My heart hurts so bad knowing what they were feeling to get to that point. I’ve been there too.

I feel sick.

Do you ever look at yourself and wonder why people like you so much? I look at my friends and my love and i kinda stare at my phone wondering if i even deserve such love.

The other day i planned to starve myself and pretend to eat just to see if people would care, or maybe it was just an excuse. I failed and i ate, so that was a bust.

I cried when trying to pick out new glasses. They all looked horrible, and i hated how my nose looked. I dont like my face in general, so it was hard to keep looking at myself.

I don't deserve my love. Genuinely. Shes so nice and kind and pretty and talented and here i am crying over spilt milk {not actually but you get the point.}. I used to think about meeting up, just to imagine her not liking hoe i look.

I wish i didn't cry all the time. Genuinely pathetic. Cry because i cant draw, crying because im alone, crying about something i did its all the same. Ill have random bursts of Happiness and Sadness, and my emotions go all over the place. Im so tired but awake at the same time.

Genuinely thought of hurting/starving myself but then decided im not even worth the effort.