Rachel's thought that she'd be willing to kill Saddler because "no one should have to be so... helpless" (p. 128). Yeeeeeesh. Like, I've mentioned before that Saddler foreshadows Tom — Rachel's cousin who's ~2 years older, "stupid enough" to be in the wrong place at the wrong time but still clearly not deserving that, not likely to get a happy ending no matter what his family tells each other, and Rachel's willing to kill him if that's the only thing left she can do to prevent him being "so helpless." But also: Saddler foreshadowing David? Almost worse. Because it's a whole other type of "helpless." Because Rachel doesn't kill him, and we don't know if that's better or not. Because yeah, maybe Saddler shouldn't have cut into traffic on a bike with no helmet on, but that doesn't stop his fate from being wildly unfair.

Jake asks Rachel if she has ideas for how to handle Saddler — and Rachel takes that to mean he's asking her how far she's willing to go to stop him. But we know, because we've been in Jake's head, that he's really just hoping someone will come up with a plan he can implement, because that's what he's always doing. Rachel is so so hard on herself in this book, but her perception that Jake sees her as a weapon is clearly off-base from the reality that he "worries about [her] more than anyone but Tobias" because he's scared the war is hurting her almost as badly as it is Tobias (p. 106). Not because he thinks she's a "violent nut" like Rachel is afraid she's becoming.

Also, that scene in the hallway is so heartbreaking because Jake and Rachel realize that the violence being against a fellow kid — a fellow Animorph — really does mean it's different this time. And they're so clear-eyed about the fact that they can see a future for Cassie after the war, a future for Marco, hopefully a future for Ax. But for themselves, and Tobias? They already know how this war is going to end, and that the possibility of any kind of normal life is off the table. And they accept that fact, and they hug, and they vow to keep right on protecting their team. No matter what it takes. No matter how little of either of them is left, when this all is done.

Jake and Rachel have always been a source of comfort for me. I've always been thrown into leadership positions and the one to do the hard things so the people I love can live with themselves. So this book, one of the few that has those two front and center, has always stuck with me.

Jake, hating himself and secretly resenting his team for putting him in this spot. Forever willing to do it because responsibility and duty will always overwrite what he wants to do. And eternally loving each and every one of them, even when each and every one of them hates him at one point or another. Who seperates himself from everything because someone has to. Who knows without them he is absolutely nothing. And who regrets every choice he ever made because he wasn't perfect.