sharkbait hoo ha ha

*trying to pitch public transportation to Americans* it’s like a legal form of texting while driving

guy currently hurtling toward a migraine at a rate that would impress most astrophysicists: i wonder wgat is happening in my beautiful telephone

i like it when people compliment me. i like it... when people like me. (looks around to make sure nobody is about to shoot me)

fuuuuck i forgot to give a shit about stupid bullshit that doesnt matter 🤦‍♀️

remember to bury the dead with a phone, everyone. these days the ferry terminal at the river styx wants you to download a fucking app

"You could get up early and do it before work" I could also wait for a magic beanstalk to start growing in my living room LMAO. Let's focus on things that happen in the real world

Cats that are REALLY human socialized and tolerant of touching are so funny. You can just grab them and pick them up. Boneless. Squish their little face in your hand. They love it. But what's funnier is when you get used to one of those and then absentmindedly pet a normal cat weirdstyle and they're like MYAGH?? & you're just like ykw you're right my bad girl

Grabbing a cat and kind of wiggling it back and forth will have wildly varying results depending on if the cat is normal or boneless

cream cheese bagel ending explained

cream cheese bagel ending explained explained

I WISH THINGS HAD TURNED OUT DIFFERENTLY!!!!!!!!! goes to the supermarket

people say dolphins are smart but there not smart enough to not be Shity grey rubber tubes flappin about in the gotdamn ocean

*they’re

congratulations! you are the piss lord of shit mountain. thank u for hefting turds down the mountainside so that we, the proles, may feast on your bounteous craps

really oxidized coin fell out of my wallet and I said out loud to the cashier “oh no, my yucky penny”