john winchester cries his way through sex

SAM & DEAN WINCHESTER

Let the Dean Winchester Big Bang 10 Begin!

Join us as we celebrate our 🎊 10ᵗʰ Anniversary 🎊 with fic and art dedicated to our favorite blustering and brave big brother.

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The man is horrified when Castiel asks him to torture Alastair. He doesn't want to do it, he literally begs not to. He was forced into being a torturer as the only way he could stop his own torture. He 'liked' it because it was a break from suffering, not because he wanted to do it or got off from it. He is adept at it because he had to be. It's also one of the tools of the trade (hunting). The fact he is good at it is devastating. He has to slip into the same mindset that made him survive Hell just to get through it. That isn't Dean, that's a trauma response and a coping mechanism. That's dissociating from his true self to be what he has to be so get the job done or spare himself. And the latter isn't a weakness but he still hates himself for it. He hates torture and he hates who he has to be do to it. What he did in Hell haunts him for the rest of his life.

And if he does ever 'enjoy' a kill, it's a righteous feeling - he has killed one more monster, prevented more death, avenged innocents, avenged the people he loves. At best, this gratification could be considered non-sexual sadism, but if that's the case, Sam and every other hunter is also a sadist. I see it more as righteous fury and satisfaction.

Both Dean and Sam torture people for the job. There's that episode where they torture a man possessed by a demon for information about Lilith. They both do it with the same cognitive dissonance of it just being part of the job.

Dean was also hunting with John from a young age and burdened with knowledge of monsters and what John had to do during a time when Sam was still protected from the truth. Violence and death were a part of him from a horrifically young age. He had to become accustomed to it because he had no choice. His still-developing brain has to build itself around some true horrors and he STILL grew up to be a good man who dedicated his life to saving people.

and the same dynamic is repeated in ahbl with sam once again pinned to the wall and forced to watch dean get brutalized at the altar of his destiny.

a year later he's back against that wall helplessly watching dean get dragged to hell by hellhounds but interestingly lilith gets much more "personal" with sam than azazel did. he is, after all, her competition, not chosen champion.

bonus: claws in both 1x22 and 3x16.