in love with the impossible

It has three standard parts, and one optional part.

The first part is: “When you…,” and name the behaviour you’re asking them to change. The goal here is to describe the behaviour as neutrally as possible, so the other person recognizes it and doesn’t feel the need to defend themselves or otherwise argue about how you’ve characterized it. You’re not accusing them of wrongdoing—you’re identifying something that creates a problem for you that you need their help to solve.

The second part is: “I feel…,” and name the effect the behaviour has on your feelings: hurt, annoyed, frustrated, anxious. I especially recommend using what I think of as the kindgergarten feeling words: angry, frightened, sad—all adverse feelings are really just those three, in some degree in some combination.

I always stress here that the feeling must be an emotion-word, and not a proposition or a simile. I strongly recommend against saying, “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” and then trying to describe the situation as you see it, or trying to impute a state of mind to them. “I feel like you don’t care,” “I feel that you don’t take me seriously,” and so on create grounds for them to object—“No, you’re wrong. I do care!” Now you’re arguing about the correct way to characterize the situation, rather than explaining the effect their behaviour has on you.

This can be a really difficult habit for those of us raised by controlling or neglectful parents to break, because we might have been trained to think we have to justify our negative feelings by relating them to another person’s blameworthy behaviour. Naming your feelings can feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, like you’re admitting weakness or setting yourself up for a counterattack.

The fact is, the overwhelming majority of people don’t think you need to justify your feelings. They positively want to make sure you’re happy and comfortable and are willing to do their part to ensure that, if only they know what that is.

If, for whatever reason, you think the other person will not be responsive to your feelings, you can describe a practical impact their behaviour has on you. The overwhelming majority of people don’t want to harm or inconvenience you, and they’ll voluntarily change their behaviour to ensure they’re not doing that.

You might be interacting with someone who actually doesn’t care about your feelings and doesn’t care about harming you. In that case, this formula won’t work. You might need to terminate the relationship, or restrict your interactions, for your own safety.

The third part of the formula is: “I need…,” and say what you want them to do instead—an alternative behaviour they could adopt that would not leave you feeling so adversely or impact you so negatively.

This might require some foresight on your part. Whatever behaviour it is you’re trying to change, the other person engages in it because they’re trying to meet a need of their own. Your goal with this part of the formula is to find a way for both of you to get your needs met.

It’s important to think of this as a proposal or an offer. The other person might accept or or they might reject it. Usually, though, if they reject it, they’ll have a counter-offer—an idea of how they’d be willing to change their own behaviour. They might think of something you hadn’t, or even suggest something you didn’t think they’d be willing to do. The important point is that now you’re having a conversation about it. It’s an exercise in jointly solving a joint problem, rather than an argument or a trial. The script is just meant to broach the conversation, not forestall it.

If you’re dealing with someone who is also inexperienced with boundaries and carrying a lot of baggage around their own vulnerability, they might get defensive anyway, despite your best efforts to appraoch the topic gently. They might throw back at you some grievance they have about your behaviour. I try to be patient with this, because I understand they might feel hurt or attacked, and they might be afraid of you in that moment. See if you can treat it as their own effort at setting a boundary. Maybe it’s an opportunity for you to draw two boundaries, one you need and one they need.

The fourth part is optional, and only something to trot out when you need to convey the stakes for them explicitly: “Otherwise…,” and name your next best alternative if they don’t change their behaviour.

This is not supposed to be a punishment or an ultimatum. The point is not to threaten them with something bad, but to get their help in creating something better.

By the same token, it can’t be an empty threat. You’re telling them the promise you’ve made yourself about how to improve your life for yourself, if they’re not going to help. You can even tell them: “This is my next-best outcome. My best outcome is one where we can figure this out together.”

Walled in silence, Philomela turns to paper.