shadows spilling white

feeling very stupid right now because i managed to have a good day but now i’m back to feeling really bad

i can’t escape the depression i guess. and i miss last summer so much. i got so close to what i want and i saw that things can be okay and then it was over & i don’t know when/if it will happen again. and now i feel terrible.

i shld start rpfposting but i get distracted by the disambiguation (in my head) of the term rpf and also the way i think the discourses Around it conflate the ethics of how to treat People with issues of Fiction vs Reality, in such a way that the whole term (in its presupposition of rpf = reifying a romantic sentiment between celebs via fiction(?)) is also just. inconsistently applied. and then also obviously im almost more interested in this q of 'how is rpf conceptualized/why/to what end' & how i think of it - saw fic tagged for & using names of real people that in its a/n stated it wasn't based on real people. isn't that fascinating. and absurd; i think that's rpf anyway, just not v good

up at ~10am ✅ showered ✅ sitting in the garden with the cats ✅

listened to an album ✅ good lunch ✅ wrote one book review (… from april) in my reading notebook ✅

sent the absolutely terrifying email to a prof to ask him to supervise my thesis ✅ i’m certain i worded it terribly and he’s going to think i’m stupid and/or rude but i’ve been putting this off for two months and now it’s done!

notebook chat with indil ✅ snack ✅ listened to two more albums ✅ finished the last few paragraphs of my french translation of stones will know so now i have a full draft ✅ dinner ✅ did a few dishes (like 3 plates and some cutlery but this is a big deal for me. the last time i did dishes properly was a few years ago and i cried #myautism) ✅ read a couple of poems ✅