living in fragments

When Law of Assumption and manifesting showed up in my life two years ago they felt like my salvation. "Why? Isn't that a little dramatic girl?" Not really, let me tell you a bit about me first…

From a very young age I experienced losses and since I was the only child (then I became the oldest) I was alone to face those deaths and even struggled to understand what was going on (well, I was a child). This was particularly difficult because I grew up in a toxic family, I was an unwanted child and my father was physically and verbally abusive towards me and my mother. With time my mom began to be really toxic as well, constantly telling me and my sister what a disappointment we were, criticising every little thing we do, etc. I am 33 now and they keep verbally & psychollogically abusing my sister and me to this day.

And what was the result of this?

I grew up to be a very shy, lonely, fearful woman, with little to no self esteem, struggling for years with my obesity and constantly being haunted by my past. I am was anxious, depressed and overwhelmed by the weight of the negative emotions living inside of me. At some point I became severely suicidal. I never planned anything for my life, I never planned a future, I was just existing. I used my mind to escape my reality: began daydreaming a lot hoping that something would happen that would save me or someone would show up. Of course nothing happened, no prince charming showed up at my door. And my daydreaming was pointless cause I didn’t actually intend to get those things or even believed I could get them. Things got worse with time: I stopped dreaming, I felt no joy, I was numb and I even struggled to do the most normal things like going to the market or leaving my house… The worst part is that I had lost all hope...

...Until I ran into a Law of Assumption blog. I started reading and learning about it but the problem was (is?) that I became too attached to it. How so? Considering my past and the desperate state I was in, I saw in manifestation the key to changing my life. I realized I had an almost magical a chance to change my miserable life. And here lies the issue: I put LOA in a pedestal and became obsessed with it. I noticed all the shitty things in my life that were “wrong” and that I needed to change or make disappear. Began recklessly setting goals as “big” as winning the lottery and dropping 20 kgs in a week… to “smaller” goals like passing a test or being able to poop normally (sorry guys, just keeping it real here). I affirmed, scripted, read dozens of tumblrs posts, watched tons of videos, attempted to meditate, listened to subliminals, downloaded tons of books, tried getting into the void state many times and….

And I started spiraling. It didn’t take me long to realize NOTHING WAS WORKING. I started getting mad, sad and deeply frustrated. “Why can everyone manifest so quickly? Why do I keep failing? Why does my SP ignore me? Why are my parents getting so annoying and mean now that I’m changing? God must fucking hate me!!! I’m doomed to have a shitty life…”. It got so bad that back in November I started having suicidal thoughts again. I got tired of constantly analizying my feelings, why am I the whay I am, if this or that is related to trauma, etc etc. I was TIRED. I’ve been trying to heal for years and I was done. I have been stucked in this cycle of feeling moderately good – something fails to manifest or something external "ruins" my mood – feeling like shit and wanting to leave everything – feeling good again.

But a realization hit me a few days ago: “you’re struggling to manifest cause you keep trying… and God doesn’t try, God just IS. If you were really believing that, you would have stopped trying a long time ago”. It seems simple now but in that moment I opened my eyes so big I was like “WOW, HOLY SHIT”. Coincidentally enough (wink wink) mindset coach Dylan James (I highly recommend you go follow him!!! and Dylan if you're reading this you're a king and I love you so so so much, thank you for everything you do) who hasn’t been posting the last few months, started uploading videos and stories again. The same night I had that realization, he posted THIS video: and for some reason it was life changing cause I finally understood why I have been failing.

My desperation, my attachment, my urgency made me neglect myself: I put all those tools and my desires above me and the more I tried to get them, the more they seem(ed) to escape me. That’s why I told you about my story, because if you come from a really awful place maybe you too feel so desperate that you are holding on to your desires and the techniques at the expense of your self concept... WHICH IS KEY! I’m going to be brutally honest with you guys: I thought self concept was a waste of time. I used to affirm just a bit and then would totally stop doing that after a few days. I didn’t believe in those affirmations and I thought they were less important than my desires! Dylan said in his insta stories: “You don’t have to let go of the things you love and desire! You just need to elevate in your beliefs and knowing” and I loved to read that cause that was one of the things I was afraid of.

"So... what now?" I decided a couple of nights ago that the next day I would wake up and I was already going to be my brand new perfect self. I am holding that assumption and persisting. And guess what? Even if it has been just a couple of days I noticed that:

I am way more stable and overall happy (a calm kind of happy, not an overly excited kind of happy)

I am more focused throughout the day

some things have been manifested/experienced "synchronicites" even if I didn’t intend to: I was thinking about my friend and she showed up, I remembered an episode of The Simpsons and later that night I saw it on the TV and a few other little things like these…

"Ok, but what's he point of this long ass post then?"

DON’T QUIT. DON’T DO IT, PLEASE, I BELIEVE IN YOU.

I know it’s hard, I know it’s frustrating to see others’ success stories while you are there struggling to manifest the smallest thing. I know how hard it is to try, try and try, and how desperate one can feel when your whole life is falling apart. I know how difficult it is to imagine a better life for yourself when you're dealing with so much shit from your past. And it's OK: we all come from different backgrounds, we all have different stories and this is not a competition to see who manifests faster or who suffered the most.

I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU THAT IT WILL GET BETTER BABE. Pause and drop it all for a while, log off tumblr and pinterest, drop all the techniques for a while and go on a “mental vacation” as Dylan says (and it doesn’t have to take long!). Connect with yourself, ask yourself how you’re doing, how are you feeling. Ask yourself what do you need from yourself, what do you truly want. Listen to yourself, nurture yourself, be compassionate, gentle and patient with yourself. Again, I’m going to quote Dylan:

“Reassess. Refocus. Readjust. Persist. It’s not a race. It’s about creating sustainable results and if you don’t feel solid and knowing and stable within yourself first, that’s going to be difficult to do. The quicker you honor yourself, the faster you get there. The more you neglect yourself because you’re trying to rush, the longer it usually takes. So be self aware”.

I hope I made sense. I just felt really inspired to tell you guys to not quit and to NOT FORGET ABOUT YOURSELVES. You will get there. You will be able to manifest quicj no matter how "big" the desire is. You will have plenty of success stories to share. You will have the life of your dreams. I don't doubt that for a second.

But first remember that you are more important than your desires. And you self concept will be the blueprint for the way everything will unfold for you Invest time in yourself, speak highly of yourself. Forgive yourself. You already have within you everything that you need and desire, you just need to realize that ;)