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if i look back, i am lost
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@visdiefje
the thing about misogyny is that nothing makes apparent how prevalent it is faster than just pointing out misogyny, which will have people scuttering out of the damn sewers like ninja turtles to accuse you of being an overly sensitive shit-stirring know-nothing who's making up things to be offended about. which is actually also pretty misogynistic, but if you point it out people will come scuttering out of the damn sewers—
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I've seen a few posts lately that are like "how to avoid abuse as a housewife" and that's important but I want to say something from the kind-of-opposite-kind-of-the-same perspective:
if you thought you were signing up for a partnership of equals where you shared the responsibilities and financial burdens, the other person does not have the right to pressure or manipulate you into becoming The Breadwinner.
like, in my case it was super duper obvious that what my ex was doing was wrong because they would watch me come home from 50+ hours of work every week while they did three, and then expect me to do all the grocery shopping, cleaning, and life admin shit as well.
but even if they hadn't. even if they had decided to be The Housewife while I was The Breadwinner. that would still be bullshit because when we got married it was based on explicit agreement that we were planning to be a two-income, split-everything-equitably couple. no matter what, I didn't consent to burning myself out trying to provide for two people, and no one had the right to force me to do that.
what I'm getting at here is: just as it's manipulative and dangerous for your partner to demand you give up your job and focus everything on your home life for their benefit, it's also manipulative and dangerous for your partner to demand you work yourself to death so they can stay home.
very important points but i'm wondering if it's a good idea to put them in the same category as the housewife stuff because i don't think it's structurally the same thing. i feel like your experience goes more into the direction of being aware of what abuse and manipulation can also be and avoiding that in a partnership, where as the housewife problem deals more with how being a housewife in itself is a dangerous concept.
it's not just bad if you happen to marry an asshole. it's bad because (mostly) women are pressured by society to make themselves (and possibly their children) completely financially dependent on a man who has been taught from early on that he has to make the decisions for the family because he is the rational one while women (and children) are too emotional to make smart choices. and then the woman can't leave without risking to put her children into poverty. (yes, there are laws to protect women but they do not always work well enough)
not saying that leaving is easy in the situation you described. i could imagine in addition to everything else there can also be an immense emotional pressure not to leave the person who has made themself dependent on you - similar to when women are told not to leave their husband, because how will the man be able to cope with all his difficult feelings after he outsourced dealing with emotions to his wife for so long. but i still think being the breadwinner is structurally not as dangerous as being the housewife in this patriarchal society. feel free to tell me if you think i'm wrong though!
I don't know if it's worth trying to decide if it's more, less, or equally dangerous tbh. but it feels like a mirror in a lot of ways.
The Breadwinner is typically gendered as a male role and I think men are more easily manipulated into taking it on. because the societal pressure is already there, and there are specific gendered social scripts that abusers can rely on - women wanting their husbands to be "ambitious" is a whole trope for example.
and yeah, once you're in that situation, a lot of the being trapped is mental like you say - "it would be wrong to leave this person who depends on me" type stuff - but some of it is structural and very hard to escape. my personal example: in Scotland, it's hard to get a divorce without being separated for at least a year first. and, if you own a house, your spouse has the legal right to live there, even if their name isn't on the deed and they aren't paying the mortgage. that's a huge catch-22: can't get your spouse out of your home without a divorce, can't get a divorce while your spouse is still in your home. the person wanting the divorce could move out, of course, but with what money? that trap kept me in an unsafe situation for years.
and there is real danger in the role itself. financial danger where the other person drags you into debt and your housing and food become precarious, but also danger of illness or even death from overwork. there are plenty of jobs where being chronically tired at work can literally kill you (eg long haul trucking) but even where it's not quite so direct, the danger to health is very real.
one big difference is history. The Housewife has always been a dangerous position to occupy; The Breadwinner was much, much safer even just 60 years ago, when it was normal for a single income to be able to support a family without constant overtime or gig economy side hustles.
so idk, I get why you'd immediately wonder if it's helpful to connect the two, but I think they're each other's gendered funhouse mirror reflections in a lot of ways. you can be emotionally and/or structurally trapped in a situation that's not exclusive to any gender but heavily slanted towards one, and it can fuck up your entire life and put you at serious risk of physical, emotional, and/or financial harm.
???
We have this interesting situation where we basically no longer have privacy nor the expectation of privacy, but we also don't have community or meaningful connection with others, so we're all simultaneously both completely exposed and absolutely alone, and please understand that when I say this situation is "interesting", what I in fact mean is that it's "nightmarish and I wish I could wake up"
humans will see a swamp and build a city on it and then spend the next 2,000+ years struggling to keep it from turning back into a swamp
everybody saying a different city is cracking me up
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We're not leaving this gem to languish in the comments:
T-shirt that says "I'M SORRY FOR THE PERSON I BECOME WHEN I'M OVERHEATED"
i do not understand people who say "dont date your friends." who are you supposed to date then? do you just find someone and try to date them?? and you dont even know them???? alloromantics are perplexing man wtf is this
ohh my god naan bread means bread bread? people are adopting a foreign word next to a general noun of their own language to specify they mean a distinct type that hails from that particular foreign country? no way man. do you have strong feelings on the word moist by any chance
”what’s got you so happy” because 🩷 friends 🥺☺️on interner 😍☺️⭐️
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Eastern Serval | Beverly Joubert
I was talking to my mom about John Green today and I mentioned that “he’s still on tumblr” and she asked why that would be weird and I said that no one is on tumblr these days, “except him and I guess me”
So
I don’t know what all of you guys are doing here, because clearly this website is occupied only by me and John Green
just the two of us / we can make it if we try.
"You know what's harder than Getting Better? Living Like That" is just the thesis for my whole shit going on right now honestly. You know what's harder than doing my physical therapy? Hurting All The Time. You know what's harder than addressing my gender dysphoria? Hurting All The Time
I'm Doing The Hard Thing and it's *easier* than how I was living before. If you make yourself feel better you will have more energy to spend on Getting Better. Nice inch nails - the upward spiral. Crawl out of your grave Thursday
something i've noticed that has become really annoying in the past 10 years or so is this fad of what i've been calling, for lack of a better word, "structural whataboutism." it's that thing where, when faced with a concrete, resolvable problem in your community, your answer is to blame it on a vast, unsolvable issue of structural inequality and then throw up your hands. "there's trash all over the ground in this corner of the park" becomes "well, that's where MEN OF COLOR congregate after their 12-HOUR GRAVEYARD SHIFTS and i'm not going to support a CARCERAL SOLUTION to a CAPITALISTIC PROBLEM. WE NEED TO ELIMINATE POVERTY AND THE SUBJUGATION OF THE WORKING CLASS" and it's like okay but sis. someone still has to go pick up the trash. we don't need a carceral solution, we need more trash cans. you're not going to eliminate poverty and the subjugation of the working class and even if ya did, there would still be trash on the ground. how any of this passes for radicalism within their peer groups i simply don't understand. it's radical laziness more than anything else
I was on a canoe trip once with a river biologist who worked for the county. After we found and removed a car tire, she started talking about the annual river cleanup her department organized. From a water quality or ecological standpoint, removing shopping carts, car tires, and other macro trash from the river really wasn't that important, she said. The real threat to the river was industrial and agricultural runoff.
"But!" she said:
People who see a clean, trash-free river are more likely support laws to curb more harmful "systemic" forms of pollution. People who participate in river cleanups take pride in their work--their river!--and become evangelists for protecting it.
Immediate action leads to systemic awareness, which leads to systemic change.
Literally this.
Saying "there's no point in doing something small until the big thing is fixed" is literally just the Glorious Revolution Rapture story all over again, and it's not helpful.
Predators Are Not Evil 🦅🍃🌳
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you all deserve BETTER
i do wish the response to the ai water usage concern debate (umm actually the water and mineral usage is roughly equivalent to all of our other constantly growing massive distributed information systems that require enormous amounts of resource extraction etc etc etc) was less of a "haha checkmate luddites" and more of a "hmm maybe we should reevaluate our usage of constantly growing massive distributed information systems that require enormous amounts of resource extraction" but idk
