it's you and me

youre either having a cigarette with me or you're having a cigarette against me

You have to careful about masturbating to your imagination cause god doesn’t know about imagination so he will assume you are jacking off to whatever is around you like dust, a dead bug, birds nest. And if you jerk off to a poisonous bug (or if god assumes you have) then you do go to hell

they were all out of dinner at the store so i gotta eat wooden pegs again tonight -_-

today I found out my mother doesn’t know what dandelions are and now I’m wondering what other strange secrets she’s been quietly harboring

Where do you live that you don’t have dandelions?

we have dandelions EVERYWHERE, they are basically our State Weed, it is absolutely impossible that my mom has never interacted with a dandelion before, this requires further investigation

See, folks in the southern US will tell you up and down those are buttercups, actually.

Wait I thought those bigger cup ones were Easter Lillies???

They’re marigolds and I know a bitch when I see one!

….we need to start taking the phrase “go touch grass” more literally. go outside and examine a flower i beg u

i just found a 9,000,000 leaf clover

dress up is one of the most important pillars of gameplay that is often ignored by game developers to disasterous results

I have GOT to stop spending $30

when exactly is uptown funk gon give it to me?

saturday night when you’re in the spot did you not hear bruno

I don’t believe you.

just watch

pokemon is about siccing your dog on a creature that is intrinsically, biologically, a baby mime

pokemon is about an act your dog can perform on someone else’s dog, which sports announcers and scientists alike are calling “gunk shot”

Chat, is it considered “abusive roommate behavior” to release a raccoon into the living space after you have asked your roommate for months to please clean up their messes (they do not pay any of the mortgage)

drawings are secretly the enemy because they start off very nice and unassuming but then when they're about 80% done they start emanating a malevolent aura that makes finishing them the scariest activity you can imagine

I hate being aware that my frenzy meter is filling

can't believe the only options are 30 minutes early or 10 minutes late. if only there were some other way. but what can you do