it's you and me

youre either having a cigarette with me or you're having a cigarette against me

my corner store guy is a 50 year old man who's my best friend in the world and recently he was like "you're too pretty to be single I have some nephews you should meet. very handsome!" and I was like "a niece might be more up my alley" and he just got more excited and said "ah even better! I was overselling my nephews but my nieces are very beautiful"

"Love/sex is what makes us human" Wrong. It's the obsession with rectangles. look around you and count the number of rectangles you see.

something stupid this way sucks

let’s talk about how they made it impossible to function without a phone and digitalised everything and then turned around and went “actually! these phone things aren’t safe for kids but it’s magically ok once you’re eighteen. guess you’ll have to have your life dictated by your parents now lol cause we’re gonna take the devices away from you. IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING”

ok my apologies. take away my ability to buy anything too ig because these fuckass stores don’t accept cash anymore. take away my ability to communicate with people outside my house and school because I can’t text and I can’t email and I cant drive to them either and I can’t even fucking get public transport without a phone either. can’t order at a fucking restaurant without being asked to get a membership and install an app and also very sorry but you can only order through our online menu now! have you ever considered that it’s not just about instagram?

Something that tilts me about the way online culture has developed is that it feels like no one knows how to be a proper fucking provocateur anymore. Like people have been making "edgy" art for as long as the written word has existed but there is a certain social contract that comes with putting something out into the world that you know will offend people, which is that the offense is to be expected. It annoys me to no end when someone puts something out into the world that is so obviously offensive in some way shape or form and then spends all day complaining about people trying to "cancel" them or that no one respects "free expression" or that their critics are being "puritanical" or whatever. Like I'm sorry if you're going to say something obviously provocative I don't wanna hear you whining like a little bitch baby when people are provoked. Cause like no shit my guy what did you think was going to happen????

you solve the mystery of what to have for dinner one night and you think "hell yeah case closed forever" WRONG there is a dinner mystery the next night too

really funny to have a guy in the friend group who you’re going to have to sacrifice later

that’s kamala harris