Village Fate

The 1994 Arnold Schwarzenegger classic Junior is to be remade with an all female cast, Universal Pictures confirmed today.

Director Paul Feig is said to be excited with the reboot. “Junior is a movie that is ideal for a modern remake, in that it is a movie that existed once. People love it when we remake movies. Or if they don’t, fuck them anyway.”

When asked about his all female casting policy, Paul climbed carefully onto a nearby steed, white and shining and bridled with silken ribbons.

“We aren’t trying to prove any sort of point with an all female cast, I just wanted to work with the funniest people, and the funniest people are all Melissa McCarthy. Melissa McCarthy will be playing every role in this movie.”

“Shut up,” he continued. “What are you a sexist? Shuuuut uuuuup! Why won’t you shuuuut uuuuuuup!”

Outrage in parliament today as it was revealed that Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn refused to fuck a dead pig in his youth.

“The man has no respect for our customs or traditions,” said one Tory back bencher. “First he refuses to sing the national anthem, then he refuses to kiss the Queen’s hand, and now this. It’s like he holds our entire culture in utter contempt.”

The shocking revelation was made in a casual interview with the Sun newspaper, wherein a reporter asked whether or not he had fucked any kids, pigs, or a variety of strange men in public bathrooms. “No to all three,” Corbyn said, bemused. “Is this an actual interview?”

In a tell all book written by Gerry Adams, an anecdote reveals that Corbyn was offered a dead pig to fuck at his seventeenth birthday party, but politely refused, opting to drink a shandy and listen to a Rolling Stones record instead.

Public support for the renegade politician has never been lower.

“It’s like he’s not even trying,” said Samantha Birdsnatch, of Crawley. “He’s clearly not invested in his career. If he can’t even make a token gesture, say, fingering a badger, then how are we supposed to take him seriously?”

Tory opposition were quick to pounce on Corbyn’s public stumbling, with Chancellor George Osborn publicly sucking off a moose, much to the delight of back-benchers.

Representatives from the SNP and Plaid Cymru largely declined to comment, with one anonymous source stating only that; “Yes, we’re constantly fucking sheep. Get over it.”

Village Fate welcomes a special guest-- a genuine internet writer who has agreed to share his internet writing secrets with the unwashed masses. Huzzah!

The internet is as full of writers as it is pedophiles, with each of them contributing equally to the sum total of human misery with their affronts against human decency and also their pedophilia. So, how to stand out from all the other writers? It is said that the first step towards wisdom is to click on a Facebook post promoting the blog of an asshole. You have done that. Prepare for the enlightenment, straight up all ins.

Firstly, I should explain to you that all those other posts you read were fucking bullshit. Every single one of them. Put them from your mind. Banish them to the deepest pit of your subconscious, there to keep company with The Incident and The Other Incident. No, The Other One. Done? Good.

This is the only writer blog post you need ever read, as I will impart to you the genuine secrets of becoming a real god damned writer.

Step 1: Life Experience

Anybody who says they have life experience is a bastard. Nobody says that. And if you’re the sort of person who travels or does things with the express purpose of garnering life experience then you’re an insufferable prick badger. A single-cell organism trapped on the Pope’s bell-end has life experience. Stop being so uppity. Leave life to those living it. You’re a writer, and it’s your job to stare bitterly out of the window, seeing the laughter and smiles of the people you could have been if you weren’t so irrevocably damaged. Then you write a fucking book.

Step 2: Posture

Never trust a writer who doesn’t look like a cross between a monkey and a potato. If you don’t have a prominent gut to lean on over the long hours, and the twisted claws of a dead mole where your hands should be, then you’re not a writer, you’re just a twat who thinks words are funny. They’re not. None of them. Now write a fucking book.

Step 3: Ritual

Routine is everything, and if you start your day with a solemn promise to a deity whose name is best left unspoken, you’ll be in the correct frame of mind to snap the neck of a beloved neighbourhood pet, stealing its essence and solidifying your reputation as a man/woman not to be fucked with. In the ensuing solitude, granted by mad darkness and neighbours who moved away long, long ago, you may write your fucking book.

Step 4: Promotion

Jesus, you’re insufferable. You really are. Not happy just to write your fucking book, huh? Gotta tell us all about it, like a cheerleader with her first venereal disease. Oh, you’re tiresome. So fucking tiresome. You know what? Fuck off. Go on, fuck off. Tosser.

Step 5: Profit

If you’ve followed these steps correctly, you should by now be making a modest income, not enough for an apartment in Manhattan, but definitely enough to subsidise a cottage on a small farm in in one of the fly-over states. You won’t have a butler, per se, but one of your groupies will be broken enough inside to act as an unpaid maid and confidant, asking nothing in return but that you occasionally tell her that everything’s going to be alright. Shhh. It’s gonna be alright, Charlene. Now get out while I write my fucking book.

Step 6: Death

Charlene left you years ago. For reasons you can’t understand you were able to heal her, but not yourself. She’s living in Chicago with a Green Peace photographer and a Lithuanian. You think about her sometimes, in between your fucking book writing. Now, fingers worn to troll-like stubs, spine as twisted as your pickled intestines, you take a stroll into town, walking past the bars where the people know you as “that writer guy”. You keep walking until you reach the tracks, and then you lie down. Even as you hear the whistle of the 7:15 you realise you’re narrating your own suicide in your mind and the thought makes you weep. You briefly reflect that when you die, the only thing left of you will be an elaborate series of soft-core centaur pornography aimed at 12-year olds.

Not so shocking news from Florida today as Governor Rick Scott announced a bold new plan to reinvigorate the economy by allowing private hunters to shoot death-row inmates.

“The death penalty is expensive and controversial, and the obvious answer to all government problems is immediate and absolute privatisation.” said Scott. “I mean, I guess there may be other solutions, but this one buys me a new house.”

The Local Club for Mighty and Heroic Dental Surgeons and the NRA were thrilled with the decision. “Everybody knows that killing a deadly animal under controlled circumstances with superior weaponry is the only way the wealthy can feel joy in their shrivelled, goblin-like hearts. “ Said Arman Shoot, president of The American Society for Masturbating Over Photos of Dead Animals.

When pressed with the moral concern of taking a human life for sport, Arman was dismissive; “It’s completely fair. Anybody who has seen a Jean Claude Van Damme movie knows that man is a notoriously hard target, so it stands to reason that death row inmates, who have in many cases already killed someone, are the deadliest of all animals. Either that or suffering from mental illnesses we have neither the resources or inclination to treat.” He added.

“And let’s not forget the boon to the local economy. With hunters from all over the world paying top dollar to hunt and kill condemned criminals, there will be a massive injection of cash into the local economy, as well as supplying them with fresh meat.”

“In fact,” Arman continued, “there are already plans to increase the remit of the new legalisation to cover the homeless, the suspiciously ethnic and the persistently black. Also gay marriage.”

Political upheaval today as the notoriously ineffectual Lib Dem party suggested a compromise in the fox hunting debate, countering the predictably ludicrous Tory proposals to let rich people once again spend thousands of pounds dressing up in finery so they can murder the fuck out of a defenceless animal.

“It’s simple,” said Bland McFace, Liberal Democrat MP. “Simply open up the sport to those earning less than national minimum wage— the ordinary home-grown chavs. Fox hunting is notoriously elitist, and the chavs, trained as they are at hunting feral rats whilst riding motorcycles, will probably be embarrassingly good at the sport. Once it is fully professionalised and Sky buys the television rights, the working class kids will start making serious money and monopolise the sport as they have done with soccer. As usual, the upper classes will drop their monocles in disgust and then fuck off back to shooting their servants or whatever it is they do. Then we simply ban the sport, which will be simple as it will only be played by poor people, who traditionally have fuck all say in anything whatsoever.”

“Admittedly this means more foxes will die in the short term, but as these chavs would otherwise be mugging pensioners and putting their dicks on instagram, I think there’s kind of a moral balance.”

Defending Tory politicians had little come back to the populist proposal, accustomed as they are to only passing laws that benefit people they went to school with. “I think this is a bad idea,” said the one that looks like an evil Mr. Bean. “Not economically or even morally. I just don’t like seeing poor people have fun. Also, if we don’t let the hyper-rich murder essentially harmless animals from an easily controlled population, then how will they be able to achieve an erection?”

The SNP were quick to point out that in their country the fox is a sacred animal, regularly invited into the homes of Scottish people to dine at the family table and sleep atop their babies. “It’s vital that we are seen to tell the English people what to do,” said the one that looks like a cab driver. “So this convenient, easily-defendable moral high ground that a fucking toddler can argue is the perfect excuse to once again shit on your vastly inferior country.”

Pluto: very much the lonely emo kid of the celestial bodies, moping around on the outskirts of the light, undoubtably writing bad poetry in its head. And why shouldn’t it feel a little shunned? For years we’ve been bad-mouthing it, callously drawing attention to its irregular orbit and tactlessly wondering aloud whether if it’s even a planet at all. Oh, we all laughed about Pluto, but now, in the grand tradition of countless forgettable movies, Pluto has gone from creepy cynical outsider to belle of the ball, possibly and probably due to a bet with Freddie Prince Junior.

The New Horizons Probe, launched nine years ago, completed its 3 billion mile flyby of Pluto today, getting the most detailed info ever probed of the almost-planet— including some frankly scandalous glamour shots.

She may be made mostly of ice, but today Pluto has warmed the hearts of us all. And in some cases tented the trousers.

Tension was high in ground control, with NASA scientists sitting hunched over their laptops watching the probes slow, gliding process.

“That’s it, baby,” said Professor Garth Tennessee. “Nice and slow. Oh, you’re a naughty minor-planet, aren’t you? Barely a planet and already exposing your subterranean water bodies. Ugh. Amma probe you sooooo hard.”

Afterwards the New Horizons Probe shared a post-probing cigarette and made some awkward small talk before hurtling at speed toward the Kuiper Belt, leaving Pluto once more to her loneliness. What a dick.

NASA is already making plans for a follow up investigation of Pluto, where they hope to get her drunk and do some truly invasive shit.

Controversy in the United States today as President and possible Anti-Christ Barack Obama announced a “Guns for Sodomy” armistice, wherein gun owners can trade their firearms, no questions asked, for anal sex.

“It isn’t mandatory,” said the charismatic President/Necromancer “Yet.”

NRA representatives were flustered and turning various shades of red. “I’m a happily married man. I love my country, my guns and my heterosexuality. If you think I’m going to trade my assault rifle for anonymous anal sex, then… wait, am I giving or receiving in this scenario?”

Opinion on the controversial ruling was divided in many states, with religious officials once again calling for Obama to cast off his mortal flesh and reveal his true form.

“Nope,” replied Obama. “Not gonna do that.”

The announcement coming so close to Pride Week has caused much confusion in sexual politics, with many unsure if this is simply an unexpected side effect of legalised gay marriage, much like hurricanes and outraged old white dudes.

“So, what, are we all gay now?” said Sydney Hughes of Massachusetts. “I mean, I don’t have a problem with gay people. Or gun owners. Or black people. Jesus, it’s so hard to keep up with the thing I don’t have a problem with. You know what? Fine. I’m gay. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go and buy a gun.”

Meanwhile anti-gun advocates are also monumentally confused. “I….I mean… less guns is…. anal sex? I’m sorry— how are these things even slightly related?”

The press called on Barack Obama to further explain the ruling, but he refused other than to give the following statement:

“I have solved America. Boom.”

Since the staggering Tory victory in the 2015 general elections, arseholes across the country are feeling more inclined than ever to act in a manner that generally destroys your faith in humanity.

“It’s excellent,” says Daryl Crawley from Leicestershire. “I was worried for a moment that nobody would really buy the Conservative’s spurious economic progress arguments, but thank God they did. Do you know how long I’ve spent pretending I give a fuck about food banks? Now those pesky lib-dems are off the table and labour is less relevant than ever, I can finally feel relaxed about how I despise poor people and wish they’d all just die in a gutter.”

Margaret Susar of Essex had similar feelings. “I felt under serious pressure to act like I gave a fuck when I had friends over for wine and cheese, and frankly, everybody harping on about equality and empathy made me feel like I was being oppressed. Thankfully the Tory vote means I was right and they were wrong all along, so basically those immigrant shagging poofs just have to keep their mouths shut now.”

Doctor Sywell Granger of Uxbridge gave us his expert medical opinion on the social implications of a Tory victory. “Fucking get in!” he said. “Honestly, the NHS is just a breeding ground for AIDS and drug addiction. If these oafs aren’t educated enough to not get hit by buses or contract illnesses, then they should really just kill themselves.”

“I’m kicking a tramp!” said Stacey Gavin of Lincolnshire. “I’m kicking a tramp right now as i’m saying this! Who can stop me? Nobody! Fuuuuuuuuck!”

Village Fate talked to the single Labour Voter in our constituency to get both sides of the story. “Fuck off,” he said, from within his bunker. “I’ve got enough food and ammunition in here to last me until the next general election so just fuck off.”

The story was very different in Scotland however.

Agnus McFreedom of Motherwell gave us his view point. “The Tories can suck my rebel arse cheeks. Finally Scotland will have the socialist paradise it has ceaselessly complained for over generations. Finally the Scottish will live in a world where none but a Scotsman may tell them what to do.” He then did something boorish and stereotypical. “Obviously this doesn’t apply to staying in the EU,” he added. “just quite specifically the English.”

Absolutely no Lib Dem voters were available for comment.

Political upset today as millions of voters pledged their support for the newly arrived royal baby to become Prime Minister. Despite the obvious logical quandaries surrounding the likelihood of a days-old human who is yet to learn where poop is supposed to go being a viable political candidate, all the major parties were quick to support a possible coalition.

“I definitely would form a coalition with that baby,” said Nick Clegg, “and not just because I’m an utter slag who’d form a coalition with Ming the Merciless if I had half the chance.”

Ed Milliband was also quick to show his support. “Anything that shields me even slightly from having to talk to Nicola Sturgeon is okay in my book.” he said. “Seriously, anything.”

Pundits agree that the most likely political outcome of the election is a three way coalition between UKIP, the Conservatives and the baby, with David Cameron needing a distraction to take public scrutiny away from the Conservative’s controversial new “eat the children of the poor” policy, and the baby being conveniently white.

Public support for giving a barely formed child total dominance over their destinies is ridiculously high, with comments ranging from “aw, look at her tiny little face” to “So far all she has done is cry and shit herself, but we’ve made celebrities out of people who’ve done less, so I’m all for it.”

Other members of the public were pleased for entirely different reasons. “Thank god ‘er highness squeezed out another one,” said Mavis Bellis,86, Croydon. “If not for the distraction of another royal sprog, we might all realise how absolutely fucked we all are. Absolutely and totally fucked.”

A shock addition to an already exciting electoral race today as merciless child killer The Hound announced his intentions to run for Prime Minister as part of the “Fuck All Those other Cunts” party.

Pundits agree that it is unlikely that the Hound will win a majority, but as his primary skill set seems to be butchering peasants, they don’t rule out a possible Tory alliance.

Announcing his candidacy at a conference yesterday evening, press were quick to point out that the Hound is a mass murderer and probably doesn’t even exist.

“Fuck off,” said the Hound. “Fuck your existence. I will rape your still twitching corpse, how’s that for an existence, you cunt?”

SOME OF THE HOUND’S KEY CAMPAIGN PROMISES ARE AS FOLLOWS:

ON EUROPE:

“Fuck Europe.”

ON WELFARE:

“Fuck welfare.”

ON SECURITY:

“Just me.”

ON THE NHS:

“Fuck the NHS.”

ON THE OPPOSITION:

“Cunts.”

The press conference was cut short as the Hound became maudlin and stared into the middle distance, revealing unexpected character depth.

After a media furore over Hobbit Martin Freeman’s support of the Labour party, wizard, despot and beard-haver Saruman has been equally vocal about his support for the Tories, making a number of passionate speeches about economic stability from his literal ivory tower.

“It makes total sense,” Saruman commented when interviewed. “I essentially believe in authoritarian control, mass industrialisation and a hostile approach toward anyone not in my post code. I’m also a fan of exploiting the ignorance and resentment of the disenfranchised masses to enforce my will. In my world we call them Orcs, I believe that in your world they are referred to as the working classes.”

When asked why instead Saruman didn’t align with the more obvious UKIP, the wizard shook his head in dismay. “Do I look like a tosser?”

Fans of Harry Potter and other children’s books were shocked by an announcement from author J.K Rowling today as she admitted in a Village Fate interview that much-loved character Dumbledore was in fact a Jewish transexual single mother.

“I had always intended him to be that way,” said Rowling. “And if you read the book with a sophisticated eye, you can clearly see the subtle references to the long lost chid he birthed long before his sex change. Also, though it’s never specifically mentioned in the book, he is an orthodox Jew.”

When asked why she was only revealing this now, Rowling shrugged. “I don’t see why I should make a big deal of it, Jewish post-op transexual single mothers are exactly the same as you and I. What, do you think I should have had him parading around in a shtreimel, lamenting his child-care difficulties and how glad he is he doesn’t have boobs any more? That would have been a bit immature, don’t you think?”

Yeah, but your book is about a teenage wizard who talks to snakes, arrives at school in a flying car and has an owl instead of the internet.

“I can’t help it if people are too closed-minded and conservative that they can’t handle a much loved character having a different religion and biological history than they thought he did. If people want to be petty bigots then that’s their problem. After all, they are drawing their conclusions solely from the words I committed to paper for them to read, where as I can draw whatever conclusions I like, whenever I like, because they’re my characters and I can do what I please.”

When pointed out that Dumbledore’s sexuality, religion and apparent child is never mentioned in the books by anyone, ever, Rowling was further adamant;

“To be honest, the only character in the book who was truly aware of Dumbledore’s history was McGonagall and she never lets on because she’s actually just a bunch of cats in a human costume, so she’s not one to spread gossip.”

When asked if there were anymore revelations forthcoming about Dumbledore, Rowling was thoughtful. “It really does depend if it makes me look deep and interesting and diverts attention away from the fact that there are no black people in Hogwarts.”

As an ever increasing amount of UK authority figures and erstwhile celebrities are revealed to be paedophiles and rapists, Operation Yew Tree detectives now admit that they are unable to keep up with demand.

“So many, many paedos,” Said Detective Jane Harwich, the operation’s current spokeswoman. “Seriously. Just so many. If we could find some way to export paedophiles as a national resource, we’d be the richest country in the world.”

Detective Harwich then put her head in her hands and sighed for a long time. “We can’t though, can we? We just can’t.”

Government officials are suggesting a ramping up of the operation, allocating more finance and resource into what is tentatively being called “Operation Yew Forest.”

“Basically, the world was shocked and appalled when it found out that Jimmy Savile was a paedophile, even though, and let’s be honest, he was obviously the illustrated dictionary of paedophilia. Now that we’ve acted upon that public outrage we’ve uncovered so many paedophiles that we honestly don’t know what to do with them. If we arrested everybody for kiddy fiddling there’d be no one on telly and no one in government. It’s like some kind of weird fad, like rubix cubes, but with soul destroying horror.”

“Don’t get me wrong, all the offenders will eventually be arrested, because all of these paedophiles have made the same mistake- they have forgotten that children eventually stop being children and become adults- adults who resent being molested. While a child might believe that you’re just his funny psuedo-uncle giving him an impromptu medical exam, an adult is eventually going to call bullshit.”

So expensive and time consuming is the process of paedo-wrangling, and so numerous the targets, that Operation Yew Forest will take bold new approaches toward investigation.

“Basically we’re going to arrest anybody who was on the telly in the seventies,” said Detective Harwich. “It’s the only way to be sure. Also, what most of these child-botherers have in common is that they operate from positions of wealth and power, so as a precautionary measure we’re going to keep humiliating teachers and paying them less than a living wage.”

While government officials retain a waxy grin of worried-approval for the scheme, some of the public are not so impressed. “Look, the seventies were just a different time,” said one man who wished to remain anonymous. “Men were men and kids were kids, and if somebody stuck their finger up your bum you didn’t cry about it, you just went out with the lads and savagely beat up somebody for looking at you the wrong way. It’s the way of the world, and maybe people just have to accept that and stop being so bloody soft!’”

When put to her the public concern that Operation Yew Forest was an unnecessary witch-hunt, Detective Harwich had this to say; “A witch hunt? No. as far as I can recall witches don’t rape children. Also, witches don’t exist, while Jimmy Savile definitely did.”

When millionaire Daniel Gerber’s protests halted production of a solar farm built near his Grade II listed property, his reasons were good and many. However, many detractors claim that Mr. Gerber “Perhaps does not understand irony, or indeed, the nature of evil.” In response to these accusations Mr. Gerber agreed to attend a local conference to field any questions and prove his understanding of irony.

Question the first: “You claim that the public should be able to enjoy the countryside, and yet you live on a fairly massive country estate, all of which is private and some of which you actually forgot you own? Isn’t that ironic?”

Gerber’s response: “No, I think that’s more geographic, isn’t it?”

Question the Second: “You state that your actions are in order to benefit future generations. Being as your actions involve ripping up a low-cost, clean, renewable energy plant, don’t you think that’s ironic?”

Gerner’s response: “No. Nope.”

Question the Third: “You have hinted that the building of this solar farm is unfair, but your actions literally go against the wishes of a duly elected council who stand a good chance of being sued by private developers if your complaints are actioned, at great cost to the public, many of whom are not millionaires– isn’t that ironic you utter, utter shit?”

Gerber’s response: “Look, do you think the dictionary was written by poor people? Irony will be defined by whatever I say it will be defined as, and years from now you will all be dead and I will be transplanted into an android body, able to enjoy the country side long after humanity’s dregs have finished eating each other.”

Question the Fourth: “You claim you want an android body, and yet you stand in the way of technological development- isn’t that ironic?”

Gerber’s response: “All of you can just fuck off. Go on. Fuck off.”

The conference was called to a finish shortly afterwards.

Both furore and kerfuffle at a press conference yesterday evening as Ed Miliband revealed that his home contained eight kitchens rather than the reported two. “Basically every room is a kitchen,” he said. “Even the bathroom, which I admit is a bit weird.”

Party members were distancing themselves from the Labour leader today as many admitted that he had “Lost touch with the electorate, and indeed, reality.”

“Smooth”

When pressed on why his home was mostly kitchen, Miliband was unapologetic. “About eight years ago I tiled my utility room and I just got really into it. I thought to myself ‘Why not just tile everything? Smooth, tastefully patterned tiles in every room! Ohhhh, yes. Yes.’”

“Hog”

However, inside sources reveal that Miliband’s kitchen compulsion goes beyond mere tiling. The Labour leader was evasive as he stated; “Well, if you’ve already tiled it, you may as well go to the whole hog. I mean, what if I want toast, but I’m not in a room with a toaster? How am I supposed to deal with that bullshit?”

“Pointed”

When pointed out that a room didn’t necessarily have to be a kitchen in order to contain a toaster, the Labour leader cut the conference short, citing irreconcilable differences of opinion. “Bullshit,” he muttered, as he left.

Investigations into Labour party relationships with DIY retail giant B&Q are ongoing.

Dr Stephen Monroe of the Call-It-What-It-Is Society today brought charges against all orange juice for breach of trading standards.

“It’s not orange juice, is it? It’s yellow,” he explained when we saw him down the pub. “Granted, sometimes it’s a bit orange if it’s blood orange juice. But that should just be called orangey-red juice. Juice that is yellow should be called yellow juice, not orange.”

His arch rival, Man Person of the Say-What-You-See Society, declined to comment, because his eyes were closed.

With the future of his career at the BBC uncertain, motor journalist and television personality Jeremy Clarkson is thought to be colluding with Sky to bring his trademark irreverent snide and casual racism to a new platform.

A representative said; “Clarkson is basically the most popular man on the planet when it comes to car lovers and casual racists, there’s literally no one better.” “‘Wop Gear’ will have all the quality production values, fantastic writing and jean and blazer combinations people associate with Clarkson, but it will be hosted in Italy, where people love their cars and their flippant devaluing of their fellow man. Although, to be fair on Italians, flippant devaluing of people who are a slightly different colour is popular across the globe, and not just in Italy.”

Millions of people across the world tune in to Top Gear regularly so that they can see entitled British men drive cars that nobody can afford and then line up to take turns pissing on poor people and minorities. It is a television formula that remains a gold-plated success story in defiance of the very concept of social evolution.

Jeremy Clarkson made only a brief statement concerning his possibly career move. “Italians? Eh? Eh? Pizza! Faulty architecture! World War 2! Did I already say Pizza? Spaghetti!”

When further pressed Clarkson continued: “I can say ‘Wop’. It’s not offensive because Italian’s aren’t black.”