Parties Scramble for Royal Baby Coalition
Political upset today as millions of voters pledged their support for the newly arrived royal baby to become Prime Minister. Despite the obvious logical quandaries surrounding the likelihood of a days-old human who is yet to learn where poop is supposed to go being a viable political candidate, all the major parties were quick to support a possible coalition.
“I definitely would form a coalition with that baby,” said Nick Clegg, “and not just because I’m an utter slag who’d form a coalition with Ming the Merciless if I had half the chance.”
Ed Milliband was also quick to show his support. “Anything that shields me even slightly from having to talk to Nicola Sturgeon is okay in my book.” he said. “Seriously, anything.”
Pundits agree that the most likely political outcome of the election is a three way coalition between UKIP, the Conservatives and the baby, with David Cameron needing a distraction to take public scrutiny away from the Conservative’s controversial new “eat the children of the poor” policy, and the baby being conveniently white.
Public support for giving a barely formed child total dominance over their destinies is ridiculously high, with comments ranging from “aw, look at her tiny little face” to “So far all she has done is cry and shit herself, but we’ve made celebrities out of people who’ve done less, so I’m all for it.”
Other members of the public were pleased for entirely different reasons. “Thank god ‘er highness squeezed out another one,” said Mavis Bellis,86, Croydon. “If not for the distraction of another royal sprog, we might all realise how absolutely fucked we all are. Absolutely and totally fucked.”
The only party not willing to discuss power sharing with the royal infant were the SNP, because, let’s face it, they really are a bunch of miserable, glib, contrarian bastards.
