oh dear god what did I write on tumblr

This transmission is addressed to the fence building nihilists

Your soul writes, "come home"

Abandon them outdated strategies, namely hatred

Exile is no place for a person, or your compassion

Come home

Nothing more

Than to be

With a mask

A soul vessel

And a nail with which I can only fight

I wish I was not dead. I wish I was not fighting. I wish I didn't have a mask. I wish doing things didn't cost soul.

Well Anon,

I am not always sad. I find joy in very small things.

I struggle with homeostasis.

There is a furnace in my heart that needs connection, experience, love, to be seen and heard

At times it runs empty, and my colors start to fade.

I start to get stuck in my head. My engine sputters. My idea of normal fades and I stop reaching out to people.

I've gone through many of these little deaths. There's always a part of me hanging on and I have to let him go to try again.

I try very hard to be the cog in society that earns my financial security. If my self is too muted that character can become my whole life. It's not much of a life, and my body's limitations remind me of that.

The little deaths are scary. I've learned over time that I have to be less afraid of them and that attachment to outcomes - thinking I have control - just isn't a successful strategy. That's where I am, trying to take that to heart.

I long to find the vibration of the world I belong to. People. Tasks. Plans. Work. One that will be conducive to my growth. I want to take care of more than just myself. I want to be connected. Some days feel closer, like I can taste it. Others much further.

One more thing I'm embarrassed to admit: envy will tear down my idea of progress in moments. Seeing couples who seem to have figured out how to go on regular walks, holding hands, eating ice cream together. It's silly, but I wish that were me.

I think about rejecting envy in my life a lot now that I've noticed.

But like all things, it is a journey.

* being sweet

* being tender

* being attentive

* being affirming

* being considerate

* being kind

things that are better than being cool

* being passionate

* being into your own interests

* not letting other people's opinions influence you

* being focused

* having beliefs

and I missed it no

wait, back

up

I

know I told you I love you it's

delicate

but so simple still

I am tangled

that love is real, that's why I'll be

what I can // what you need from me

but one night I felt a touch so

soft

not a rush, not a panic, yet it seemed so fast and frantic

my colors black my liquids goop i can't taste the

Sun

What if it

goes

wrong

I've not been touched in so

long

but who are you and what am I?

I don't want to be some other guy

I am soft and firm and fragile too

I don't know what I am to you

am I a game where if I falter

you'll walk away like I'm no longer

a fit, a strand, a little man

are these the shapes that I can be

I say

no

slow down

it will all become plain with

time

right? we have

time?

that's the link into my story

follow through or please ignore me

one day I felt so stuck between

I'd rather end my little dream

so in my heart Ill put to bed

a love I thought was in my head

how to do I don't know how

unceremoniously on your doorstep landed

as always, the matter at hand

an image of a man

A mirage in the sand

Categorical dysphoria of a worn out little lamb

Who are we?

To practice romance

do our little dance

A decorated necromancer

Celebrates his next erection

Resurrection?

Tired from too much selection

The motions feel like impersonation

To counteract the mute depression

An interaction, chemistry makes a clean solution

Dynamic?

who am I supposed to be

nothing I don't want to be

what even do I get to be?

someone out there's testing me

a swimming pool, the bottom of

I'll swim straight up 'til I can breathe

it's always been for this

for me to be