ED MILIBAND- “I JUST REALLY LOVE KITCHENS”
Both furore and kerfuffle at a press conference yesterday evening as Ed Miliband revealed that his home contained eight kitchens rather than the reported two. “Basically every room is a kitchen,” he said. “Even the bathroom, which I admit is a bit weird.”
Party members were distancing themselves from the Labour leader today as many admitted that he had “Lost touch with the electorate, and indeed, reality.”
“Smooth”
When pressed on why his home was mostly kitchen, Miliband was unapologetic. “About eight years ago I tiled my utility room and I just got really into it. I thought to myself ‘Why not just tile everything? Smooth, tastefully patterned tiles in every room! Ohhhh, yes. Yes.’”
“Hog”
However, inside sources reveal that Miliband’s kitchen compulsion goes beyond mere tiling. The Labour leader was evasive as he stated; “Well, if you’ve already tiled it, you may as well go to the whole hog. I mean, what if I want toast, but I’m not in a room with a toaster? How am I supposed to deal with that bullshit?”
“Pointed”
When pointed out that a room didn’t necessarily have to be a kitchen in order to contain a toaster, the Labour leader cut the conference short, citing irreconcilable differences of opinion. “Bullshit,” he muttered, as he left.
Investigations into Labour party relationships with DIY retail giant B&Q are ongoing.
-Village Fate Staff
