#operationyewtree

As an ever increasing amount of UK authority figures and erstwhile celebrities are revealed to be paedophiles and rapists, Operation Yew Tree detectives now admit that they are unable to keep up with demand.

“So many, many paedos,” Said Detective Jane Harwich, the operation’s current spokeswoman. “Seriously. Just so many. If we could find some way to export paedophiles as a national resource, we’d be the richest country in the world.”

Detective Harwich then put her head in her hands and sighed for a long time. “We can’t though, can we? We just can’t.”

Government officials are suggesting a ramping up of the operation, allocating more finance and resource into what is tentatively being called “Operation Yew Forest.”

“Basically, the world was shocked and appalled when it found out that Jimmy Savile was a paedophile, even though, and let’s be honest, he was obviously the illustrated dictionary of paedophilia. Now that we’ve acted upon that public outrage we’ve uncovered so many paedophiles that we honestly don’t know what to do with them. If we arrested everybody for kiddy fiddling there’d be no one on telly and no one in government. It’s like some kind of weird fad, like rubix cubes, but with soul destroying horror.”

“Don’t get me wrong, all the offenders will eventually be arrested, because all of these paedophiles have made the same mistake- they have forgotten that children eventually stop being children and become adults- adults who resent being molested. While a child might believe that you’re just his funny psuedo-uncle giving him an impromptu medical exam, an adult is eventually going to call bullshit.”

So expensive and time consuming is the process of paedo-wrangling, and so numerous the targets, that Operation Yew Forest will take bold new approaches toward investigation.

“Basically we’re going to arrest anybody who was on the telly in the seventies,” said Detective Harwich. “It’s the only way to be sure. Also, what most of these child-botherers have in common is that they operate from positions of wealth and power, so as a precautionary measure we’re going to keep humiliating teachers and paying them less than a living wage.”

While government officials retain a waxy grin of worried-approval for the scheme, some of the public are not so impressed. “Look, the seventies were just a different time,” said one man who wished to remain anonymous. “Men were men and kids were kids, and if somebody stuck their finger up your bum you didn’t cry about it, you just went out with the lads and savagely beat up somebody for looking at you the wrong way. It’s the way of the world, and maybe people just have to accept that and stop being so bloody soft!’”

When put to her the public concern that Operation Yew Forest was an unnecessary witch-hunt, Detective Harwich had this to say; “A witch hunt? No. as far as I can recall witches don’t rape children. Also, witches don’t exist, while Jimmy Savile definitely did.”