Auguste ClĂŠsinger, Femme piquĂŠe par un serpent, 1847

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Auguste ClĂŠsinger, Femme piquĂŠe par un serpent, 1847

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i have 99 problems and a bloody make out session with nigel colbie would solve half of them.
Hermann Hesse's Demian is so, unintentionally hilarious.
Tell me WHY Demian's first suggestion to help Emil with the Kromer situation was literal murder
AND THEN HE CALLED IT THE MOST SIMPLE SOLUTION TOO.
SIMPLE.
sometimes love makes you sick to your absolute core and sometimes love purifies you of any ailment.
in demian it does both
killing without knife, blood or mark⌠but killing is killing. Always

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in a very henry winter time of my life (I am so fucking sick and have been lying in my dark room all day despite having a lot of very important stuff to get done)
instead of listening to the teacher in the English class, i drew this, not guilty.
Speaking of like minds â I always found it interesting that Alex's main interaction with Nigel was violence yet he couldn't ever figure out why Nigel didn't respond normally to it. One, he has a decently violent father himself so hitting likely isn't that "helpful" to straighten Nigel out. That and.. he just adapts to the violence in his own way by also being violent? Or i should say Nigel has always been willing to be violent. He dissects animals which could be seen as a violence in its own with the brutality the specimen carefully endures. Sometimes, when you live in a household where there is violence you start to see it as a sort of love language or just a way humans interact. At a certain point... he was toying with Alex quite obviously but I just wonder if he was seeing Alex as this violent creature that needed brutality to be able to properly engage in a relationship with him. Similarly, I think that's why he was always so adamant on insisting that Alex and him were the same and that Alex wanted people hurt. Alex just isn't brave enough to do it himself so Nigel does it for him as Jack's only weapon.
Seriously though Alex kept smacking Nigel around and I was looking at my screen like does he really respond the way you think he will to this.. ever???
Vampirism and the maraclea ritual in like minds; guide to immortality.
Nigel whole ordeal is about preserving death. Vampire is a dead man walking, the different between zombies is that they drink blood. But dead body, even with chemical preserving it will still decayed, and overtime rotten.
Me, personally, do not want to involve too much magic outside of resurrection and immortality, so I would like to propose this.
The blood is essential but not because of the essence of life in magical way, but because it is needed for the body to operate. Blood has the necessary nutrients for the brain and heart to work, and when these two work you starting to feel, to able to control your bodyâto live.
The body will no longer rotten when it stays operate. But it came with a condition, you, yourself is dead and therefore cannot produce life, which is blood. Meaning you have to get it from somewhere else. Dead animal blood will make the nutrients diluted. Live one is better but still lack glucose and needed in large quantities to match. Animal blood overall will make the sense lacking, slower thinking. Human blood is obviously higher quality and have everything the body needs to function, a live one is even better.
Digestive system can work but that means an unnecessary output of energy, so eating is not advised when the body can already consume nutrients directly from the vein.
The ritual acted like car service center, they will maintain the outer shell and fix the inside but you are responsible for making it work.
Back to this post, which I totally think it through before I wrote what I wrote.
âNigel found himself unable to feel the fabric on his skin, nor the temperature around in the slightest. â
He has enough to think, to see, to move his body here (which I think is not exactly from his brain commanding the arm to move but more like an instinct on the bodyâtechnically he wouldnât be able to feel the movement but sees it). Which is very generous for the duration of the ritual which is nine months, plus before the start. So I would like to think the person who resurrected him *wink wink* did give him some supplements beforehand.
Thank you for coming to my rant. If anyone would like to added anything or take it from here you are very welcome to. Actually I will grovel at your feet.

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nigel was so lucky he got his first guess right because imagine not being alex and having to deal with this weird ass history nerd trying to indoctrinate you into his one man cult
i was thinking abt how much i have in common with nigel like im also a brunette im also asexual im also totally insane and sick of my head and i also gonna kill msf in front of someone's else son and it'll be sooner
I love attention seeking men. like, sure, go electrocute yourself because your roommate isnât paying attention to you.
my goal is to seek academic validation in the way that the characters in vicious do
the worms.. in my brain...
the amount of times i've rewatched this specific scene. I MISS DOMESTIC FORBIE

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i couldn't finish reading demian cuz of my exams BUT i read more than half today and i am gonna finish it tomorrow. Then i will be going crazy about the LM - Demian parallels.
i think a lot about where he wouldâve been at mentally post-maracleaing of helen. if it would've had any effect on him at all, which i believe it did. bear with me here, iâve got a lot to say. see, it was different before with each death because HE hadn't lost anything close to him (besides being sent away. and i have thoughts on that too, but i digress bc he was still able to retain a lot of what looks like his former lifestyle at the school). only alex had; between his privacy- his room, the only thing that was really HIS to begin with that his father made a point to allow him to have-, then josh- his best friend-, and then susan. like it's really no wonder alex was the way that he was. even if he enjoyed it all partially and enabled it, itâs GOING to have at least a subconscious effect on him. and i do maintain that although i think he was complicit and equally enthralled by he and nigel's activities (not so much about having to submit to him though), i do also think he was relieved even partly to see nigel die. i do think he did want it, perhaps he didnât even really imagine such a thing could be possible, but then after it happened, he realized that finally being rid of nigel didn't fix him at all or set anything back to normal and wanted so badly for it to be undone.
now for nigel, to bring this back around, everything that happened kinda only benefited him in some way. either by isolating alex or bestowing his partner a maraclea. i think he really did assume his parents were a sacrifice he was willingly to make and was fully able to, but once it came down to it, it was a lot harder than what he'd expected but MOSTLY as an undercurrent of distress that would build and build until he was eventually set off. i think he would've gotten over it. i think he could've been fine with alex at his side, but once alex walked away from him, he had to sit with himself and witness everything that he'd just destroyed for nothing because alex still wouldn't have him. so he kinda freaked out. it was now or never. he HAD to do something and he couldn't let alex get away, he couldn't let it be for nothing. and he had to go back inside that house to get his fatherâs rifle and i wonder if he did so before or after he made up his mind that he was going to go after alex and if grabbing the rifle was even the purpose of going back inside at all? or if he just wandered back in there as habit because that was HIS space and where else is he going to go at a moment like this? (heâs gotta get out of that rain yk?). but iâm also thinking about if seeing the house so empty and his inability to come to terms with what he just did is what triggered him. he looked so confused after john took the bullet for him. he fully glanced around at his surroundings to try to take it in and then landed on alex before he was able to comprehend any of it, as if heâd fully reverted back to where heâd been before anything had happened that night. he focused on alex so wholly that he detached from whatever emotions were beginning to set in with him, and thatâs probably how it wouldâve remained from that day forward IN a better reality (only for him) where he and alex frolicked off into the sunset and nigel either A.) never wouldâve had to face what his actions had caused, or B.) was able to process it at a better time when he felt more assured that alex was his. he needed alex there to ground himself and i suspect him inviting alex to the maracleaing had more to do with that than putting on a show for him. itâs shared suffering, heâs finally pulling his portion of the hardship their union requires. or maybe it was just convenient that alex was there at all to bring him back around. either way, he didnât HAVE to think about what heâd just done if he could imagine that it was all in the name of he and alexâs future, so he keeps his mind focused there. why look back? it was necessary.
but then when alex is gone and it's just him and that empty house. then what? he doesnât HAVE that distraction or solace to turn to and deflect from what just happened. he couldn't bear it. that must have been so much to take even as it started just slowly seeping in from the time alex left him by the fire pit to the time he caught up with him (he even called after alex because the distance between himself and alex that he would have to close in order for alex to hear him speaking in a normal tone felt too great. thatâs the ONLY time he yells in the film, save when he raises his voice slightly as alex turns to leave the crawlspace), and although it WAS fully his own doing- i'm not absolving him of anything here- i think it must've been almost agonizing to feel for a person like him. just so confusing and overwhelming. and he did everything he could to avoid facing the gravity of his actions and was determined to make it stop altogether. so he went after alex, and when alex shows him that he'd rather die than be with him- even die by nigelâs hand- nigel decides that there's only one outcome left. it all HAS to mean something. it came this far, he can't let it be in vain. like it just. i'm just so. im pulling at my faded blue curtain bangs and smudging my eyeliner down my face while i run my hands down it in distress like an overworked middle aged dad that just got off a sixteen hour shift and the kids are running around screaming.
he was so desperate to be wanted back, like he NEEDED it, but alex came around to realizing he DID want nigel too late. ââthey say achilles cared more for patroclus after he died.ââ and thatâs kinda nigelâs fashion, to only really care as deeply for things once theyâre dead, so it becomes him that he should be patroclus. but jesus, mary AND joseph, what the hellllll? HE WAS GONNA BE AN ACROBAT (/ref) WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO HIM GREG??? iâm curling into a ball on my side and thinking about the future he shouldâve had if heâd never gone to st. barnabas. the place that started it all. that truly ruined him FOR GOOD. thereâs a faint echo of helenâs voice off those horrid bedroom walls where she asks john not to send him a way and tells him that she doesnât think this is such a good idea but he convinces her otherwise. or WORSE, she thinks itâll be good for him, because a part of her wants to be free from him for a little while as well because itâs so much STRAIN to try to love a boy with that many problems and who puts so much tension on the household. either is bad. itâs all bad. everything is bad. thereâs no saving any of this anymore. just let it die. just let nigel die and let it be over with already, put him out of his misery. take him out back and old yeller him.
this all started as a rant about a drawing i hope to make to explore nigel's mindset, and it all kinda ties in with what else iâve been saying but only if you have all the pieces of the puzzle. my brain is very much hyper focused on One thing atm so iâm just on loop rn. for instance, i was being comical in my previous post about nigel just showing up naked in front of alex lol. but it IS something that appeals to me in maybe a more symbolic way in regards to nigel wanting alex to want him ENTIRELY. again, it's that desperation to feel like he means anything to alex. heâd HAD his maraclea but he didnât really WANT helen, that didnât fulfill him. it wasnât enough, he wanted alex too and he wanted alex to accept HIM (and you've gotta imagine for angst purposes about nigel wondering why alex doesn't want him. you could get quite ooc with this and in fact you should). that post-colbies death mindset. he could be good, alex. why don't you want him? obvs the nudity here is just to enrich the vulnerability and openness of it all in congruence to what i think, at this point in time if heâd survived, would be his just utterly SHATTERED spirit. just so defeated. i think in a way it was like his breaking point with how it went down and had he not killed himself then, it would be difficult to almost keep him alive if he didn't feel like his purpose was what it once was or felt increasingly more difficult to accomplish. heâs GOING to make a rash decision soon if he doesnât get his way, even more rash than disemboweling an innocent teenage girl for dividing alexâs attention away from him. and he almost admitted a bit to his warped delusions too in telling alex WHY they are âthe enemyâ, so everybody join hands and pray he doesn't ever become more self aware than that or you're gonna have to put away the sharp objects and unfortunately he has a lot of them. i mean, at least he kinda descended back into his delusions a bit once the epiphany hit that by killing himself he could preserve his purpose and what he thought was true if he could become a PIECE of alex, then proceeded to ask alex to pray for him. but still. i don't think yanking the gun away at the right moment is gonna be enough to keep him alive from that day forward. especially not when youâre dealing with Alex- Unprincipled Man; Rogue. Stubborn Asshole Who Doesnât Know When To Leave Well Enough Alone And Refuses To Fully Submit (not saying he should)- Forbes. i just really do not think nigel wouldâve been well, like at all after the events of that night. even though itâs a nice fantasy to entertain that nothing can really get through to him, i donât think thatâs the case. i think maybe it all was perhaps just laying dormant until what happened that night and then it fully sent him over the edge, and it just LOOKED as if he was handling it better all the while because he was so detached from it in favor of pursuing alex.
listen to me, âi think. i donât think. youâd think. i would thinkâ we get it girl. youâre thinking. what i really need to do is just write a damn fanfiction because clearly i have a lot to say about whatâs on my mind and at least within that form it could be of amusement to anyone and mischaracterizations (that iâm aware iâm indulging in) are easier to forgive or serve an actual purpose. iâm teetering that line of What Alex Said Is How It Happened and Thereâs Sooooo Much We Donât See, and, To Hell With Canon this Movie Is Only What I Want It To Be. this has less to do with thoughts i have About the movie (because i have zero concrete thoughts about it) and more about thoughts i Could have about a hypothetical scenario that iâm spiraling in. but i canât draw right now so i need to get it out there somehow. this isnât me saying Poor Nigel, Alex shouldâve just given him everything he ever wanted so he didnât become evil as fuck đ. iâm just. iâm caught up in it all. thatâs it. nothing to see here. ignore the 1.6k words in this post that prove otherwise.