Nesssssssss

I'm Ness/Nessy and I'm a 33 yo (as of writing) nonbinary Canadian! 🍁

This page used to be for reblogging art and showing my own/my OCs but since I've completely stopped sharing my art online and kind of forgot about Tumblr, I decided to wipe it all. If you used to follow me for art; I'm so sorry :')

Now, about the new "theme" for this page;

Ive recently (for the last 2 years) started to focus on my health after years and years of neglect and needed a space to journal my day-to-day struggles with my health.

I have great friends surrounding me and I love them dearly, but anyone with chronic illnesses will understand the feeling of being a burden and/or a bother :') If I were to talk about my illnesses EVERY TIME something goes wrong, they would NEVER hear the end of it! Ive also been very afraid of looking like I am seeking attention and/or making it up, so for my own sanity...

I thought Id repurpose this page as a journal!!

Feel free to unfollow me if this is not your vibe, even if we are friends, absolutely no hard feelings! :)

For new people, just know that my page will revolve around chronic illnesses and their challenges. So yes, this could be depressing at times, but I hope I get to know others chronically ill people and that my posts make you feel a bit less alone!!

For record, Im currently diagnosed with;

🔸️ADD (Inattentive and temporal lobes)

🔸️Brain Damage (temporal lobes)

🔸️AiWS

🔸️APD

🔸️HSD

🔸️EDS

I'm open to questions about any of these, but just know I won't answer or interact with ANYONE being overly negative or doubting me. You are more than welcome to correct me if anything I post is not correct; I'm not a doctor and so I might get things wrong sometimes! It happens and I'm happy to be corrected when legitimate!!

Orthostatic hypotension.

It fucking sucks lol. Gonna wear some real ugly compression socks from now on... Im so tired. I dont want more dx... i want TO GET BETTER.

I hate my life and where Im at.

I hate ADD and how it fucked my whole school path and made me a careerless piece of anger.

I wish my body could heal normally so that I could look into getting implants or something.

But I can't. I'm stuck. My palate is swollen and feels like it's burning. My gums keeps bleeding at the slightest touch. I cant deal with this constant metallic taste in my mouth...

My knee started clicking and every time I sit criss-cross for a while, it hurts when I uncross my legs. But ive been sitting like that for as long as I can remember and I just don't feel comfortable any other way... sitting "normally" is fine for a couple minutes, but ONLY for a couple minutes.

On top of that, Ive felt soooooo lonely.

I woke up the other day and I had a dream that I had a significant other. (Cringe, I know) I can never remember my dreams so I don't know who it was/if it was someone I knew or a stranger my mind made up, but I woke up feeling SUPER sad. Like I had lost someone... I dont know, it just made me feel super lonely and I had a pit in my stomach.

On top of that, my DnD campaign abruptly ended. Our DM was ultra unreliable and would GHOST us all the time. Last Saturday she "fell back asleep" 40 minutes before game time and she left us to wait for her in the voice chat for 2 hours before we called it quit. We decided to tell her that we thought this was probably too much for her anxiety and we were ok to just stop. She mentionned taking it back once she finished school (LOL) but frankly I dont think any of us players is interested.

It sucks because it was my only game... My group also plays on Sunday, where one of our players is the DM, and they offered for me to join back. I used to play with them before, but I had to wuit because my depression was really really bad and it was affe ting my mood during the game a lot... also, the Saturday DM joined as a player a bit after me and soncerly she was part of the reason I left. She just... takes so much space. And I really dont enjoy playing with her in general, she's just so.... ugh. Always derail things and won't let anyone talks or have ideas.

So yeah, I dont think I will rejoin that game sadly, especially since now Im ROYALLYpissed at her. I dont think it would be fair to me or her.

But I cant help but feel like she took both games away from me. First she joined the Sunday one and ruined my exeperience, then she ruined her own campaign where I was playing my comfort OC. I dont think I will be able to forgive her tbh.

Shawn Phillips is the one musician that always reminds me of my dad, because he was also his favorite and I remember growing up hearing his music around the house.

So when I saw he was playing in Quebec City, 3 hours away from where I live, I had to go!! This legend is 82 years old and this is probably the last time Ill get to see him play live. Im a but sad I couldnt go with my dad (he passes 10 years ago) but at least he was in my heart!

I didnt have enough money to get an album to get signed at the show but I was able to talk with him for a while and tell him how much his music means to me. We even took a picture together (but I was so excited and shy at the same time, I did it really fast LOL but I wish I took 1 or 2 more!!)

But that also means long drives, stay sitting for 3 hours during the show, and hotel stays. All stuff that freaking suuuucks when you're hypermobile.

My entire body hurts now.

But my heart is full ❤️

But I try my best.

Today I saw a friend online and clicked to see when the last time we talked was... It was February.

I was the one initiating the convo last.

They never contacted me after that.

And I really liked that person. I thought it was mutual... but I guess I was wrong.

I don't know what so wrong with me??? Why do so few people like me?

I feel like Ive only talked to the same 3 people for the last 3 years. And one of those is my mom...

Im so fucking lonely.

Me: "Because my fingers bend weird if I dont and then I get hurt."

Them: "OMG show me/us!"

Me: *proceed to show them how bendy my fingers are*

Them: *make vomitting faces* "Wow thats so disgusting!!"

It's always from the able crowd too.

You clearly don't know how it feels to be disabled. You don't know how I have to work 210% just to achieve YOUR 100%. Im already taking more time and ressources than most of my coworkers.

And you want me to... put my foot down???

LMAO.

People like me get FIRED the moment they open their mouth.

Why would they keep me if someone else could do what I do in less time, with less help, etc.

I can't wait to be fitted for a brace...