Menosphere

I also like going clubbing, the dancing ones and meet new people. Of course I could do it alone, I've done it many times, but I always long to let my self loose knowing that I won't be in danger, you know? Am I making sense?

I don't know...

I like studying with them. I like reading with them, sure, but... I always wanted a natural human interaction... Of course, the extroverts I knew where... they are very solid on their opinions, to say the least...

I have nothing against lean-muscled, soft-fabbled, slim-fitted or twinkified ukes. They all have their benefits, and if you were to ask me to pick an absolute favourite, I would say "all."

But preference wise, seeing a person stoned and/or scarred by years of struggle and/or labor heavily visible in both body and mind to be softened by another who seems to be—or almost to be—their complete physical opposite feels like a fulfillment, a proof that even when you are a war-torned, pessimistic, malicious, or hideous, there is still someone who could see you in a passionate manner.

Of course, I do not support the stories in which that type of uke is being severely deceived, nor to any kind, really. But when given redemption, an arc of apology to the uke, the way a buff uke forgives them feels so...

You declare that you understand, and to some extent, you do, but the next thing you say is almost unrelated to what I have just said as though ignoring everything I have stated.

Except, I'm pretty sure it'll be gone by tomorrow, so I am basically teash for having such fleeting emotions.

Like—when I imagine being in a romantic relationship, I imagine cooking together, playing seperately, or laughing to different songs, or cuddling together, but when it comes to imagining kissing, or having extreme physical intimacy, I imagine doing it with a complete stranger for a year then that's it.

I AM BASICALLY CHEATING ON MY IMAGINARY PARTNER! I'M A CHEATER! I'M TRASH!

But then, I imagine actually marrying my imaginary partner, but for some reason, I can't imagine not living with my best friends! I can't imagine raising a child/ren with my imaginary partner but I can with my best friends! Which is weird because I don't see them romantically at all!

SO I'M BASICALLY CHEATING, AGAIN!

Nothing makes sense...

Like-

For emotional needs, I can imagine having a romantic partner. For sexual needs, I can imagine having it once a month with someone under the profession (which is cheating). But for life reason? Like—I don't know, my best friends have been there my whole life and I literally can not imagine having a future with them. BUT I DON'T WANT TO MARRY ANY OF THEM! And the romantic partner? I can imagine it ending in a quiet melancholic way.

DOES THAT MEAN I'M BASICALLY A HOOKER!?

To summarize: How do I know? How do I know whether I genuinely am not asexual or just going with what is popular? How do I know that this is not just me "waiting for the right person"?

I would like to clarify that this is simply a personal experience. Every statement here is simply, well, my comments to my thoughts because to label my own when that might not be it is honestly, in my opinion, offending to those who ARE that sexuality, you know? So...

Rather than affected, it is more of how I find it so easy as breathing to absorb their emotions. At times, it could help, at times, it could not. But it is often overwhelming. I guess that's why I really don't like anyone else finding out how I feel nor any situation pertaining to me.

Their "comfort" or their "pain" just feels so...

Laying on my bed until late morning without worrying about what I am missing. Having the electric fan on at high speed without thinking about whether it is sucking my money or whether the air I'm breathing is sucking the life out of me. And even my own safety is re-assured.

I am living a very luxurious life already, so why do they want me to want more? My family isn't broken, I have friends that I can trust my very life to, and I have a close relationship with my siblings. I even have plants that I could take care of at my window! So why...

Why can't they see that I am very happy about my current life and how I want it to stay like this? Not EXACTLY like this, of course I still have other things I want, but this is pretty close.

So I don't get it...

Because the moment they say "I love you too," or simply "I love you," it feels like a heavy burden that I can not measure up to. That's why I won't let them know.

They will never know.

But if they do, when they do...

I don't particularly feel disgusted, but I feel like it is wrong, like fully supporting such feelings would bring about the end of my comfortable days. How selfish of me.

I observed that very few adults have accepted reality, but rarely embraced it.

Those that have not accepted it, begins a persona to run away into a world in which they are themselves without a mistake.

The adults who have accepted reality either are already depressed or those that voluntarily lives in the present, but forgets their past.

I have only seen one adult, in my short life, that have embraced it and lived 'til their final moment. Who you may ask? Well, they were a stranger. A stranger that I happened to see.

Then how can you tell they've lived their life?

- Their eyes says so.

I am a teenagee with a mind of a teenager. Before, I was a child with a mind of a child. One day, I will become an adult, then a parent with a mind of my age.

Why do I like to overwork myself with the things I love?

- Because that is the one thing that's keeping me alive

Then why do you overwork yourself wirh the things you hate?

- Because that is the one that teaches me a lesson

My father often tells me that hardworking people grows up sad and tired. Maybe, maybe not, all I know is that if I let my mind wander to a place I call home, I won't be coming back.

It has been a while since I've opened my tumblr and life has been making me feel confused, but in a good way. I am a 15-year-old kid making it through maturity to how I should interact with people and nyself. Right now, I am in one of the turning points of my life.

Senior high...

Actually, I am only applying for a scholarship, the entrance exams are next year so you might think "you'll get there when you get there, for now, enjoy your life" and I believe in that thinking, but I can't help but feel uneasy. I have been thinking about what should I make a living out of, but I am terrified that I might not be able to live my life as I hope if I choose my passion over what can actually support me.

There are three occupations that I really want to do:

1. Be a fiction writer.

2. Be a literature teacher.

3. Be a film maker.

I have consulted a lot of people about these three jobs and they all have one thing in common: Can you do it?

I don't know if this is actually what I want, or simply a passing interest that might make my life miserable. And now...

Scholarship applications are coming up and one of the questions are: What do you want to be? Well, I want to be happy, but I know that they are asking about what job I would like in the future. I know what I want to be one day, but I don't think I inderstand what it takes to get there and I am terrified that my decision might lead me to something "beyond my world", and...

I am beginning to hate myself for being so cowardly, for being so lazy, for wanting an easy, happy life but I know that can't be, but do I even understand what it means to not have an easy life?

As a kid, I have my parents to rely on, but they never taught me nor the school ANYTHING about the world outside, what it means to actually make hard decisions, to know what it means to truly be an adult...

That is why true evil is rarely found, just like true good.