Iâve been working on this for months and the truth is I could continue to add to it forever but I want you all to enjoy it with me
transcript:
Griffin: [as Jenkins] A witch kissed me and cursed me so that anytime anybody yells a secret word, I have to attend to their every need, and that word is my fucking name, Jenkins. Justin: [snickering]
G: Are you naming your goddamn wizard Taako?
G: Oh- shit. Oh, god, oh, god, whereâd it go, oh no, no, no!
G: If possible, I would love to- to avoid a shitting-based solution? Uh, A, because I donât want to know what exists beyond the explicit tag in iTunes? [Justin laughs] I donât- like, is there a fucking NC-17 rating? I donât wanna- I donât think I wanna be a part of that. But also- Justin: [crosstalk] Hey! G: I would also not like this scene to drag on out as long as- as a human beingâs digestive cycle.
G: [background laughter] Fun show, fun show games!
G: And I think I just described a plant orgasm. And this has been Fifty Shades of Green [Clint laughs], starring four idiots.
G: So the end of that sentence that you cut off was- and I- so I wonât be able to put up with any shit today, but the problem is I already have? Now people will stop tweeting about me that I said one of Barryâs favorite things is swimming in a cold lake on a hot day, and then in two episodes later say he didnât know how to swim.
G: âKay, you and the box both drink POISON! And you survive, but the box has died. Clint: That means itâs open, right? G: Yes, with that the box pops open and it has 900 gold pieces inside. Everyone: Yeah! [cheering]
Travis: I get it. Justin: Damn, thatâs a good door! G: No, itâs- [yelling] let me finish describing what happened to the door! Iâve been trying to tell you what happened to the door for like ten minutes!
Travis: I tap it with the Gluttonâs Fork and I swallow it. Justin: [muffled wheezing] Griffin: What the fuck!
Griffin: [laugh-crying] Youâre gonna turn him into a man tube? [wheezing] You- youâre gonna turn him into a bag or a shelf with the rock sitting on it-
Griffin, loudly: What the fuck?! [audience laughter] Travis: Double damage is- 4 and 3 plus 4 and 1. Griffin: I didnât give Marvey HP!
Griffin: Is the stapler in here? Anyone want the fucking stapler?
Griffin: Oh, Jesus, you love this shit! [Travis, crosstalk: Iâm sorry-] Itâs your- Youâre a fucking pervert! Fetish- youâre exposing everybody to your fetishes! Travis: Iâm so sorry!
Griffin: Uh- it is an uneventful climb to the twentieth floor. And, uh- as- Travis: Floor twenty! Griffin: as- as- What? Justin and Travis: [snickering] Floor twenty! Griffin: [pause] Weâre not gonna say anything better than that- Travis: Griffin, we have to fight some weeds at floor twenty. Griffin: We have thirty minutes to go, and weâre not gonna say anything better than that. Did you even think about that?
Justin: I grow bored with this fight. [laughter] Griffin: Okay. [crosstalk] Justin: Iâm- Iâm casting polymorph on myself- Griffin: Oh, fucking- wow. Justin: Griffin, Iâm texting you- [Griffin: oh]because youâre going to need this information. Griffin: Oh my god, Justin. Justin: Yes. [Wonderland music starts] Griffin: Taakoâs arms sink into his chest, so that heâs just got, sort of, little arms, and his head gets really big, and really long, [Clint laughs] and his teeth get very sharp, and he grows a tail, and he turns into a tyrannosaurus rex.
Griffin: [yelling] Oh, NO! Are you keeping track of how many times you rolled as well? Clint: [crosstalk] To be honest the educational system in Huntington, West Virginia sucks- Travis: Twenty-five! Twenty-five! Four, four! Twenty-five! Twenty-seven! [overlapped with Justin] Griffin: itâs dead- STOP! Stop! Youâre killing him! Travis and Justin: Thirty! Thirty-six! Griffin: Stop! Heâs already dead! Travis: One more, one more, one more- [Clint: C'MON!] Travis and Justin: Thirty-seven! [A pause as the audience laughs] Travis: His parents feel it! Griffin: You fucking- you fucking- this turtleâs- this turtleâs parents- Travis: [crosstalk] Is that where the turtleâs brother dies? Griffin: -forget about him. This turtle was a successful turtle author, and the words on his books fucking vanish. [audience laughter] You have erased this turtle from existence.
Travis: But my butt- Griffin: [yelling] Come on, Iâm in hell! [crosstalk] Iâm dead and in hell now! You opened the door! You built the fucking door! Out of wood! Shitwood! Shame on you and shame on us!
Justin, as Taako: Garfield? Griffin, as Garfield: Yes? Justin: I have something I think is really going to interest you. Griffin: [yelling out of character] OH MY GOD! Justin: This is the Slicer of T'pire Weir Isles [background laughter] and I notice that you have a really cool sword. Itâs a Flaming, Poisoning, Raging Sword of Doom, I believe itâs called. Griffin: Oh my god⌠Justin: And- Iâm looking at your entire stock and it does seem to me thatâs your most valuable posession, would you say thatâs accurate? Griffin: [laughter, as Garfield] Yes, itâs absolutely the most valuable thing in the store!
Griffin: [very tired] I didnât expect it to go like that. [audience laughter] Um- and- Travis: What did you expect to happen? Griffin: [yelling] For you to catch a fucking fish in my fish mini game! [audiene cheers] Is that so- Am I out of my mind? Is that an unreasonable expectation? To give them a fucking fish mini game- Taako makes the lake float, Travis jumps in with a rapier, like, âletâs get it done!â and Dad makes, the- the fucking shit teleport away! [audience laughter] Clint: Welcome- welcome to The Adventure Zone, Griffin.
