Imprisoned in Twisting Spells

my trauma made me paranoid, insecure, detached; it planted a seed of rage deep within me that took roots as the years went by untreated.

my trauma caused me to live on pure instincts. i became cunning, sharp, mean.

-The emotions are too overwhelming

-I only feel numbness

-I hate my abuser with a burning passion

-Maybe I don't hate my abuser.

-I want to get hurt again

-I literally cannot function or do work. Like at all.

-Wtf is wrong with me

-I can't sleep so I stare into the void feeling like a cryptid

-I should text my abuser

-The overwhelming urge to drown the pain with alcohol or drugs

-I just want to hit myself to a bloody pulp

-Why can't I just die?

-*has a dream that reminds me of trauma which bothers me the rest of the day*

-Wait that actually happened?

-What happened wasn't that bad. Others had it way worse. I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

-Am I a sex symbol?

-I can't comprehend what happened

-Irritability at everyone and everything

-*escapes into my fantasy land*

-"Maybe I'll go to sleep and then wake up in the fictional world with all my comfort characters"

-This is fine. (It's not fine)

-Cognitive Dissonance

-Who am I?

Person I told that to: yells at me anyways because they either think I don’t care at all or that I’m trying to excuse some shitty behavior that I never even did

TLDR - if someone tells you that they have low/no empathy, don’t fucking yell at them because of some negative stereotype or ableist beliefs.

They are not saying that they “don’t care”. They are not “excusing shitty behavior” that they probably have never even done.

It’s ironic to me that in order to be seen and treated as fully-formed human beings by others, we have to secretly have empathy. Empathetic people are so keen to psychoanalyse us and tell us that no, actually, we do have empathy, because we are good people, really! It’s just locked away because of trauma or illness! It’s still in there, we promise!

Hi MaDD tumblr! I’m working on a project & hoping to get some baseline info about how people other than myself experience their daydreams. I’ve linked to a little 10 question (5 min or less) survey, will you take it?

This form is completely anonymous, please be honest and know you’re helping me a ton. If you’re willing to reblog so I can get as much data as possible, you’re awesome (since this is information… @madd-information​ ?)

This form is open to Maladaptive Daydreamers AND Immersive Daydreamers. 

The after-effects of being neglected will show after you grow up, and you’re painfully aware that nobody is ever responsible for making you feel okay, for taking care of you, for making sure you’re not in pain. Because nobody ever did care for any of that, and it’s unlikely they’ll ever start caring. So you don’t reach out, you don’t ask for help, you curl up and wait for pain to pass and blame it on yourself that you’re feeling it. You never realize that for vast majority of your life, there were people responsible for making sure you’re not in pain, that you feel safe and have every support you need; your parents. You don’t realize they skipped out on that responsibility because you’re busy being aware of how much worse they could have been to you, and all you can do is try to heal the damage they’ve already done to you. 

Being neglected can make you neglect yourself, because you’ve never been taught that you are someone who is supposed to be nurtured and taken care of.  It can mean eating disorders, self-destructive habits, punishing yourself for struggling, feeling like you’re not allowed to have comfort or company, building the hardest possible life for yourself and blaming yourself for being weak if you’re not able to do it all perfectly. It can mean tolerating friends and partners who also neglect you, and not even notice they should be paying attention and caring for what you’re going thru. It means never believing that things will be alright, because nobody is coming to help, nobody is going to fix anything, unless you do it yourself, alone. And there’s things we can’t fix alone. You are forced to emotionally survive on your own, even though humans aren’t meant to.