dammit grace, don't fidget.

tried to go on a date yesterday afternoon w this guy eliah. it was so-so. he brought along his more handsome friend elias (go figure) and it was all-around a weird time. turns out eliah is living on a couch anyway, and the last thing i need is ANOTHER grown ass man who can’t pull his shit together.

we got pretty drunk at a local pub and then smoked on the patio around the firepit. then they dropped me back at home bc they had other plans. c invited me over to get my blanket, so i put on my red lipstick and took some weed over. i was still a little drunk from earlier in the night. when i got there, he wanted to hug me right inside the door. as if nothing had happened.

he grew a stubbly beard. it’s an impossible turn-on.

obviously he has terrible timing so he gets in the shower right when i arrive. when he finally gets out, we have a weird but comfortable hangout sess? except i can’t interpret anything he does. i’m used to him fixating on my looks, but it seems extra weird for him to do it now that we aren’t together. he kept complimenting me and saying i looked so good, and at one point i caught him staring at me and he said some dumb shit like “i’m looking at your eyes.” idk. beyond that he kept scooting closer and closer to me on the couch, and he made some joke about me staying overnight.

then, he invited me to his room to see the new decorations he put up. he wanted me to think he was doing well i guess. he told me he just quit his job a day ago, out of the blue. he started talking about taking classes locally. kept letting me know that he was going to stay local and not move away. then we started talking about us and that was awkward. he said a bunch of stuff about how he just isn’t in a place to handle any relationship stuff. i half believe him. he did just quit his job, is looking to go back to school. and i know money has been hard for him. he lost his wallet last week and has to replace everything in it, and he told me a story about having to get a new tire too.

i brought up that i matched with his roommate on tinder. asked if that’s okay. he was kind of weird about it, but i guess it would be hard not to be. then he starts talking about how his friend travis is into me, was asking about me. he said something vaguely irritating about how travis and i might fit together better sexually with our interests -- i really don’t know how i feel about that. it felt almost like he was shaming me. but i don’t know. it could have just been a little backhanded from being hurt. anyway, he told me he wanted me to feel like i could talk to him about whatever if we were friends, and seemed to stress that i could tell him about my dates. then he declared that i was the last girl he had kissed and it was just.. a whole thing.