stupid nerd

I've always been a big believer in hard work as the expression of talent. I've worked for over 1000 years to obtain the arcane skills I possess, though great struggle, perseverance, and the considerable acuity of my own mind. I now sit in the highest seat of power in my field, and though I would never admit it openly, also the highest seat of power in our nation by proxy and influence. There is nothing that goes on that I don't know about, or have had a hand in. Everything I have achieved, I have worked for myself.

So you must understand that when others enter my profession with skills and qualities gifted to them, not earned, I am displeased. And the givers of these "gifts" - these beings of monumental power, our creators, who claim also to be our betters and yet die like any mortal with the right circumstances - are a scourge on this world. The powers they bestow on mortals are merely an expression of their puppetry, their disdain, their fear. They sit behind an arcane veil and feast upon the mortal world for their own gain, unbalancing the scales as they see fit.

I had to do something about it. How could I not? In my position of status and power, it would be irresponsible not to. So I started a little cult and gathered up lots of people who have been hurt by the unbalanced system, and I used them to create a device that will unleash an ancient predator from the moon who would eat all the gods and free us from their influence for good.

I always knew this wouldn't be popular with a certain crowd. People who are comforted by being controlled, like children, or those who have become powerful by cavorting with these "gods". I planned for a certain amount of backlash and even used it to my advantage in several cases (I turned a divine champion into a marble, which was very fun, but that merits its own post on r/MadeMeSmile). And really, at this point, no one can stop me. But I confess: I'm a little annoyed at how vehement the opposition has been. Can't they see what I'm doing for them? For everyone? I'm breaking the shackles that have been holding us all back! Freeing us from our fickle oppressors! Evening the playing field! Putting each person's fate in their own hands!

So, AITA?

This is gonna be a long post.

For a little bit of background, I am a mixed race person, half brown and half white. I was raised in a Muslim family and am still closeted around them.

I started to have issues with Islam at around 12 or so, when I first started to get the idea that I might be gay. Now I never would have admitted that was my reason. If you had asked me I probably would have said “logic” or something. Because of that I went hard into atheism and atheist circles.

Now people hate to admit this but ex-Muslim spaces are predominantly right wing. Ex-Muslims often see the left as “too tolerant” towards a religion that hurt them. This was the only community I had though, and I read through everything. I was 13.

The other thing that people hate to admit is that, especially when you’re young, being mixed race is so damn hard. If I acted “too white”, following my mother’s German/Austrian traditions, I was accused of hiding my true nature. But if I acted “too brown” I was just another camel jockey. So I hid my “Indian” customs from others and tried passing as white. Especially online.

So I’m not saying this is all youtube’s fault or anything. I was raised to believe that the brown half of my family was lesser and stupid. And with my hatred of Islam, I believed it doubly.

Then came Anita Sarkeesian. I was watching pewdiepie and from there my recommendations were all set. If I’m remembering the pipeline it was pewdiepie - Philip Defranco - Chris Ray Gun (sp?) - Thunderfoot - Sargon - etc. But I was pretty much acquainted with all of the right wing youtube of the day.

Funnily enough, I found her through Thunderfoot. That got me into antifeminism, and more specifically, GamerGate.

I was primarily on the subreddits KIA (Kotaku In Action) and TIA (Tumblr In Action). Both made fun of the SJWs. I kid you not, I would gleefully wait for “Sanity Sunday”, where the people would talk about how feminism is disgusting, cultural appropriation is fake, the wage gap isnt real, etc. I would scroll through this tag for hours.

I got most of my youtube recommendations from those subreddits. This led me from GamerGate to more fascist lines of thinking, such as watching videos about why BLM is a terrorist organization, why all muslims were evil rapists, and why I was fundamentally right to reject my Indian heritage and follow my “correct” heritage.

From here I delved into “race realism”, and I believed it all. I had to. This was the only community I had felt safe in. One of the fash guys even offered to shack me up at his house if my parents kicked me out for being atheist. I was 15.

To say that again, I was 15 and believed that white was right, blue lives matter, “we wuz kangs”, etc. I never would have called myself a fascist or a Nazi. How could I? I used my brown skin as a token, so that people could point to me and say: “See, we aren’t misogynistic and racist! We have this brown girl right here.” But I believed in all the things the Nazis did. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t. I will never pretend I didn’t.

But then something happened. I admitted to myself, and to a few others, that I was gay. And suddenly, the homophobia that I had molded myself in, it didn’t fit right. I happened to, by accident, click on the reddit thread of GamerGhazi, the opposition to GamerGate. And after a long bout of introspection I found out that they were accepting of gay people, that the things I had been experiencing were common, that maybe, just maybe, we didn’t need a white ethnostate.

I don’t want to be dramatic but that accidental click saved my life.

From there it was a road of recovery. I deleted all my old accounts, made new ones, and started to read leftist theory. I found better friends, cut out old people. So now, just about two years later, I’m healing.