Unmatchedsocks

The Chief Graphic Designer:

ID: Graphic showing the steps to open champagne described later in the post. End ID

My single biggest pet peeve in media is that every time there's a champagne opening scene, they show the wrong and dangerous way to remove the cork. Yes, it's dramatic for the uncovered cork to launch out of the bottle in a rocket cloud of bubbles, but it's also a good way to hurt someone or damage your things. This is the "playing with fireworks" of wine. And since most people aren't around champagne frequently, they don't have any example of how you're supposed to open it except for media. There aren't exactly instructions on the bottle. And why would anyone assume that everything they've ever seen about how people who seem to know what they're doing is wrong or unsafe?

The cork is under 3 times the pressure of a car tire, and yearns to launch out of there as a 50mph missile. It happens faster than you can blink, while someone is holding it and often others are gathered around close. It can and will pulverize eyeballs and pets, and does kill. That nice springy cork also bounces, and loves to become a ricocheting bullet of havoc and pain. I've seen holes right through people's walls they were thankful were only wall holes. That little cage is really effective at keeping the cork on during regular handling, but as soon as you remove it that cork wants to get out like a tiger.

Do not fuck around with these things to show off. It's not worth it. Treat it like a gun and don't point it at anything you don't want to destroy. Unless you've really had it with your family and are out for revenge, I guess.

How To Safely Open Champagne Or Other Sparkling Wines

The good news is that it's very easy to mitigate this risk with tools you already have. You don't need to be afraid of it, just safe with it.

Chill the bottle before opening. Pressure reduces as the bottle cools, and resulting cork velocity decreases. For the same reason, also avoid shaking the bottle before opening.

Face the bottle away from others and yourself at a 45° angle before opening.

[Right before opening] Remove wine cage (which could act as an additional projectile) carefully from top of the bottle while pressing down on the the cork with the palm of a hand.

Place a towel [usually a disk towel or napkin] over the top of the bottle and hold the cork firmly. [This gives you something to catch the cork with if it tries to fly out, and to catch any foam before it makes a mess.]

Gently twist the bottle, until the cork loosens. Counteract the upward moving force of the cork by pressing down on it.

ID: Same graphic showing the steps to open champagne. End ID

Note: There is no consensus on removing the wire cage. While it can become an extra projectile, most wine nerds seem to feel like there's a much greater risk of losing control of the cork on an unexpectedly volatile bottle if you try to remove it. It's more common to place the towel over the bottle before trying to loosen the cage so you can keep constant pressure on the whole thing. Personally, I've never seen a cage cause more havoc than the cork would have done anyway, but I've seen experts slip up while trying to get their hands to do all the things, so I'm inclined to encourage you to go with fewer steps and more consistent pressure.

Sources, video, and more info under the cut.

Anyway, the next night we watched a thing about some pig man who is supposed to live in Vermont. People said it had claws and a pig nose but walked upright like a man. Now, I happen to know that sideshows used to shave bears and present them as pig men. So every piece of evidence they gave of this monster sounds to me like a bear with mange.

So now the running joke in our house is that everything is bears. Aliens? Bears. Loch Ness monster? Bear. Every cryptozoological mystery is just a very crafty bear.

"Yeah, he's not even a very good one. But he's out there alone, and probably scared."

And he HATES it.

It's not that he hates being smart, he just hates how he can never quite predict how dumb everyone else is.

Just when he thinks he knows how low Guy's IQ is: "we are both of the cloth"

No, Lois, we can't repel down there, WHERE WOULD WE GET THE EQUIPMENT?

DO YOU REALLY NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CIRCLES AND SPHERES?!??!?

WHY WOULD YOU BRING YOUR DOG TO THIS TEAR IN THE FABRIC OF REALITY?

And then, when there's someone who actually is intelligent, it's like the intelligence only increases their capacity for dumbassery

"We trained a pigeon to recognise cancerous cell clusters and somehow they're really good at it" okay great, that's something that could plausibly be a thing.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like wont be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBl agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son: