The question sounds so casual and comes so unexpectedly that Tommy needs to pause drinking his coffee mid-sip just to stare at Evan over the rim of the coffee mug cradled in his hands. He huffs out a little laugh and puts his mug back onto the table, all while Evan looks back at him, expecting an answer and holding onto his own cup between his still bruised hands.
"I just spent the night in your bed, Evan," Tommy reminds him.
"I'm not." He wrinkles his nose. "Now, if you had asked the question about two weeks ago, my answer would have been different."
He watches as Evan lifts his own mug to sip on his coffee with a little humming sound. Probably processing the answer, and then puts his mug back, but cradling it more tightly. "So, uh… what happened?"
Tommy shrugs. "Didn't work out."
"Don't be. It was probably for the best."
"So what did he do? Ask you to move in?"
Tommy can't help himself as his lips tugs into a little smile. It's great that Evan feels that he can joke about it, even after all this time with very minimum contact between them, even if it does tug on his heart a little.
"No. It wasn't like that," Tommy assures him before taking a deep breath and cradling his mug between his hands again, his fingertips rubbing against each other to fidget with something before he opens his mouth to speak again. "It wasn't anything he did. More like… he seemed to be under the impression that I wasn't over my ex."
He glances over at Evan, which feels like a bold move after such a statement, but Evan doesn't give much of an indication that he's surprised by this. He remains still and offers a little "Oh," and then: "How's that worse?"
Tommy stares down at his mug again. As much as he wants to explain to Evan that being told that by someone he was dating had felt like a slap in his face when he was doing everything in his power to try to move on with this guy, he felt like it would be better to keep that bit of information to himself.
"It's complicated," he says instead, ready to end the topic right there before he doesn't something stupid, like walk out on Evan for the third time, which is the very last thing he wants.
Another statement, and it comes out of Evan's mouth so easily. Not questioning. Not accusingly. Just lays is all out there as a fact, as if the words aren't hitting Tommy so hard in the element of surprise of it all and making him startle and damn near drop his mug.
This wasn't where he had expected the conversation to go. Which he shouldn't really feel all that surprised about when all their conversations seems to lead to some sort of pattern where they either get hurt or caught off guard. Except, this time, Evan seems to be unreasonably calm, even settled as he looks back at Tommy with a soft gaze.
Tommy needs a moment. Takes a moment to inhale and exhale before he dares to meet Evan's gaze again. "It's not like it's a secret."
And Evan smiles. Still remains on his spot, but he smiles. "I suppose not."
It's out there now, and Tommy still feels a bit panicky about it. Evan, however, remains calm. Reaches out a hand to pry one of Tommy's off of his coffee mug to give his fingers a gentle squeeze between his own, and Tommy lets him. Uses the pad of his thumb to brush it over Evan's knuckles sweetly and revels in the moment that's just between them.
"So, if you're single and I am single…" Evan starts, and Tommy swallows.
"Are we really doing this now?"
"If not now, when? Are we just gonna wait another year, when another big disaster hits one of us? I don't want that, Tommy."
Tommy wrinkles his nose again. Gives Evan's fingers another squeeze before he releases them to grab hold of his mug instead. At least he hasn't moved out of his chair or made an attempt to walk out. Progress. "It's like you said. It's been over a year," he agrees.
"You make it all sound so easy, Evan," Tommy sighs.
"I know this isn't easy, Tommy," Evan insists. "A--and guess what? Maybe I'm done with easy. Maybe I for once just don't want to feel miserable anymore. And, hey, if that's not what you want, t-then that's fine, too. I'm not gonna sit here and demand anything from you. I'm just telling you what I want."
"That's kind of the problem," Tommy points out. He shuffles his feet under his seat, itching to get up and give himself some space.
"H-how is that a problem?"
That's when Tommy gets up from his seat. Strides away to the other side of the room, just to create some distance, and Evan immediately turns around in his chair to face him, and he looks downright miserable. God, how Tommy hates that.
"Try to be in my shoes for a bit," he starts after a short moment. "Evan— it's been a year. More than that. We haven't— I wanted nothing more than to reach out to you, even when I didn't have the right to. Especially after everything— but I gave you space. Then I heard nothing. For months, there was nothing. I didn't come over here last night expecting anything. I wanted to make sure you were okay, and— and you're right. I do love you. I never stopped. But, Evan— Evan, it's not as simple as that. You learn that I'm single and suddenly it's like I'm up for grabs for you. Like these months of silence is nothing. You tell me how I feel for you, then all I hear about is what you want. And I want it too, Evan, I do. I want nothing more than to just… be us again. It's all I've wanted ever since I walked out on you from your loft."
"So what's the problem?" Evan gets up from his seat and grips his side the next moment from moving too fast. Tommy is right in his space the moment he sees it, immediately guiding Evan back to his chair before he causes further harm to himself. Maybe it wasn't the best time to have this conversation.
"No! No, I'm not, a-and I haven't been for a long time, and that's not relevant right now. Explain it to me, Tommy. W-we both want the same thing, so what's the problem? Why can't we just be together?"
"Did you take your pain meds?"
Tommy closes his eyes and tilts his head up to face the ceiling. It would be so easy to just sweep everything under the rug and go for it. To kiss Evan and be his again and just let them be them the way they used to.
But it's not that easy. There is so much to unpack between them, and in order for them to even go as far as to take that next step, there is something Tommy needs to know first.
He squats down in front of Evan. Tilts his head forward until is forehead hits Evan's kneecap. It was a thing he used to do back when they were dating after a rough day to seek some sort of comfort or simple affection. Something Evan always seemed to enjoy, and seemed to do now as Tommy felt his fingers dig into his curls to touch them tenderly. It's enough to help Tommy ground himself a little for what is about to come next.
He feels Evan's fingers still in his hair. Hears his breathing hitch, and for a moment, Tommy fears that he's done it. That he's the one who's scared Evan away this time by a single question. Fears that Evan will withdraw his hand and dismiss him.
He does withdraw his hand, and Tommy's heart stills.
Then a gentle hand cradles his chin, guiding his head up and forcing Tommy to look right at Evan.
"H-have I not made that clear?" His eyebrows is furrowed together in confusion as he asks the question.
"All I heard you say was what you wanted. None of that indicated what you are feeling."
Tommy scrambles to get back up on his feet. He doesn't get very far as Evan suddenly gets up and kicks the chair away, only to squat down in level with Tommy.
"Please get back to your chair," Tommy pleads.
"I heard you. Evan, please—"
"I am trying to have a moment with you."
Tommy laughs softly and pulls Evan up along with him carefully. "And that's very sweet of you, but I'd rather it not be at the expense of your pain."
"I love you", Evan whines petulantly, adorable pout included. Tommy leans in and kisses him softly.
"Back to the chair, Evan."
"Or that." Tommy muses and leads Evan over to the couch, gently guiding him to sit down before joining him there. His head is swimming with all sorts of emotions right now, but a big part of him feels so much lighter than it had just a moment ago when he had been living in the unknown.
It still doesn't make it easy. None of it will be, but at least it's a step towards something.
"So", Evan begins as they are seated and comfortable. "Are you seeing someone?"
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