Uncommon Praxis

When will this cycle break?

My muse doesn’t exist. They’re a fantasy created in my broken mind. I will kill them off before I get my hopes up. Every time.

And it’s indisputably unscrutinized. Momentary sordid love in the form of stranger’s tongues entangled and fingers intertwined from time to time. No matter how much time had passed...evaded memories can’t be outran.

Introspectively speaking, the last four months have began a very redefining time of my life. However, I often find that...I’m in and out of it...Whatever “it” is. Notably, it’s quite strong. It sways and moves me effortlessly. All at once, I’m split into multiple victims and goddesses arise within me. Surrender was on the tip of my tongue for some time now...but I don’t think I’ll ever give it up again. Lurking inside of me is something that’s remained dormant for ages, it seems. She’s cool, sensual, desirable...She’s got her lovesick gaze drawn upon you, wanting more than either parties are willing to sacrifice. It’ll take a miracle before she makes that type of move again. Only able to give herself partially now because she’s rediscovered her worth. The more time solitude hangs around and cradles her in it’s eerily soothing embrace, the more polyamory appeals to her desires and needs. Love is a very familiar friend to this healer and guide. Perpetually leading others to things she can never obtain...but why not temporarily give in, if nothing lasts forever anyway? After my life was almost stolen from me, certain things fell into perspective. One permanent certainty is this: Life is short and fragile. I plan to do what I want to, so I can say I did it. Monogamy swallowed my life whole and spit me back out. It somehow left a bad taste in MY mouth. However, now I’ll use other lovers to wash out that putrid flavour...

In the realm of metaphysics, I’ve picked up candle magic again....and I’ve definitely missed it. I forgot how good I am. As well as making my own ritual incense. I’ve got flowers strewn about all over my room, hanging off of anything I can clip my mini-clothes pins onto. Currently gathering enough energy to offer them once they’re invoked. It’ll be a long road but it’s well worth it and much needed. I’ve got to stay true to my bloodline. 

I also met up with a guy friend and he made it clear that he thinks I should take the traveling job because he’s not ready for a relationship. Even though he kept saying he wanted it. So though I received very mixed signals, I nodded and agreed, and told him that I’ll support him as he goes through healing via therapy. That’s what friends are for, after all. Support and understanding. And, to be honest, I wish I had more friends like myself, as conceited as that sounds. This is how I know psychology is my calling....and this is why I’ll end up alone. Every person that I try to be with romantically does this. Same people, different bodies. I made peace with it at age 15. Can’t deny the inevitable. You play the hand you’re dealt and hope that it’s enough.

Now’s about the time I say I’m a better person than I was yesterday. However, I’m not so sure I can say this is the case. Since the day my grandmother passed, I’ve been striving to move forward and live the way she wanted me to. This would be possible if only my first abuser could be erased from my life. Not so easy when it’s one’s own mother. I dove head first into the stormy waters and I’m keeping my head up as I make my way to clearer skies. The issue is, she’s the water. All around me and pulling me under every so often. Her words are the cracking thunder, there to stun and hold me still in time, prohibiting my next move forward. The lightning is the flashbacks that make me lose my way, causing me to be thrusted back underneath the surface of the sea.  And every time I think I’m almost there...she strikes again. It’s her life goal to ruin mine the way that she did hers. And she could almost succeed each time if I hadn’t taken back control and gained more strength that I didn’t even know I had left. So this evening I received messages from her in my blocked folder, telling me that I will be kicked from my current insurance plan in 2 days, knowing very well that my vehicle is how I make money currently. I would have normally freaked out but I came up with a plan in 4 minutes flat. And I also didn’t let her ruin my whole day...This is a major breakthrough for me. I can’t say it’s a full victory, unfortunately. I still cursed her name and had bad thoughts about myself. I hope the day comes where I no longer hold onto the bad memories and I can just ignore it all together. I want her to get better.....but I want myself to get better, more than her. So I gave up on her after 32 years...and it’s been a very difficult situation to maneuver through. My dad’s picked up the slack but he has so many years worth of pieces to put back together. It’s a bit unfair to him...but everything in due time...

Mentally and emotionally distraught so it's time to shed this version of myself, colour my hair, and then find a new path. Onward to bigger and better things.

Work is still yet to be determined. However, the desire to travel has been reignited recently. I can't say I really have a reason to stay in the DFW anymore after the passing of both of my grandparents in the last 5 months..and I no longer have Sebastian. Being home has only resulted in making me feel even more lost and incredibly lonely. The dating situation is for a whole entry for a later time. But now, I could move anywhere I wanted..and having had the luxury of seeing 80% of the US whilst traveling previously for work, I could make an informed decision. Providence and Las Vegas are top two picks, realistically and financially. But I will never settle down if I insist on traveling. I wouldn’t have a home base. Not really. A place to rest my bones when I return for time off...and I could do that anywhere. Just wouldn’t be very meaningful. Wouldn’t have anyone to come home to and share stories with...or spoil. It’s time for myself and all I can seem to think about is dating. That’s so typical of me...I wonder when I’ll grow out of this shit. Maybe I don’t want to but it seems to be proven unfruitful, to say the least. If I take a job in the DFW, I could finally finish school and get my PhD, which has been my dream since I was 17. That seems like the responsible and more fulfilling route, honestly. Money is great but I’d rather be accomplished. Also, it helps that the profession I’m going into does pay handsomely. Guess that’s a major bonus. There’s so much to consider, and after November, things start rolling in full motion. I suppose I’ll keep enjoying the ride and seeing what comes my way...

Dip in mood and confidence last night.