With Love, Venus.

I see love spilling out all around me,

For a brief moment I can’t help but wonder,

I feel like loving me comes with an expiry date.

That I have this use by, best before date,

Etched into all the pieces of my soul.

The only stay a few moments type, the place you rest and move on.

The forever temporary person.

Maybe it’s because I give all the parts of myself to you, in hopes you’ll stay this time.

But maybe that’s the thing, you never wanted to stay, you wanted the quick fix.

I’m fucking sinking,

At first I tried to fight it, I tried to swim, tried to scream, tried to get anyone to notice.

But The cinder block attached to my legs is to strong, and I’m getting to exhausted.

The more I fight, the faster and harder I sink.

And as I come to the realisation, I’m fucking sinking.

I wonder,

I want to be enough for someone to stay,

I want to be enough for someone to chose me,

I want to be enough for someone to fight to keep me.

I hold so much anger in me these days, I’m scared it will consume me.

I’m angry at how I allowed myself to be treated.

I’m angry at those who used and abused me.

I’m angry at you for not staying when I needed you.

The sad thing is, I used to pride myself on not having any anger,

Now I know better.

I turned my anger inwards and it became self hate.

I lay holding you,

Fresh bandages cover your wrists.

While you cried to me asking for your mum.

A person who doesn’t exist,

And I begged you to stay,

Because one of us has to make it out alive,

It comes and goes.

You feel it deep in your bones,

in the moments you are surrounded by people.

In the moments where you are meant to feel joy,

The joy never seams to come.

Instead an empty place you where you once were.

You always seemed to have this sense of when I was doing better.

I was filled with hope and calmness, and you found a way in.

The simple, “I’m so proud of you, you are doing so well,” and it all came back—

Me, crying on the floor, begging you to choose me.

Begging you to choose us.

But you didn’t. You chose her.

A girl that you knew for a few days.

And I spent a year putting myself back together.

You had the audacity to come back when you saw I was doing well.

You are more then your scars,

You are more then the weight on the scale,

You are more then your thoughts,

And you are more then the bad days,

For you by dear, are nothing short of a miracle.

“Why can’t you stay “you yell,

And all I can say is,

It has nothing to do with you, it has all do with the fact that this place is a battle field, holding memories of my loss, leaving its scars.

And all I can do is drink bottle after bottle trying to deal with what all I have lost.

but all I can feel is the hands of a man me while he told me to be quiet.

On the days when I feel unlovable, and unwanted.

On the days where my brain feels to messy and the storm feels like it won’t pass.

I sit and remind myself, that I am safe.

Allowing myself to sit with how I feel.

I gently remind myself that how I feel in this moment,

Will pass.

May you find a love who heals you,

Not hurts you.

May you find a love you cherishes you,

Not uses you.

May you find a love that unlocks all the beautiful moments and memories.

Because you deseve it,

You taught me I was fragile,

You told me to always carry something to use as a weapon,

You told me to never walk alone at night,

So that’s exactly what I did,

But I flew to close to the sun,

And look what happened to me.

I wanted to prove I was worth more then looks,

Chaos is beautiful to me.

Or maybe it’s just that I’m used to it.

It’s the feeling that ’m the eye of a hurricane.

As the chaos roars around me and I alway feel safe.

I watch the rain drip down the leaves, my hands wrapped around my favourite mug.

And I wonder where you are today?

Are you laughing ?

Are you happy ?

Do you miss me,

7 years of you being my best friend, and these last few years without you have been the hardest,