Ujung Kertas

Saya merasa ada titik tertentu yang menjadi titik tumpu kapan saya harus jadi "dewasa". Saya tumbuh bersama 2 abang yg terpaut 7 dan 9 tahun. I watched them grow. And i realized there is a certain point they didn't act carefree anymore, after they graduating from college. When they searched for and started to works, they changes. Their expression, their posture toward problems, at that time i just knew the knew something i didn't. And i can guessing it must be related to the "real world" matter. Yeah when i was child, i read much book and watch tv shows for grownups. I realized i still lived comfortably in my parent's protection, in my cave, my cradle, my house. The real world outside are harsh and merciless. I believe that.

In my teens until i reach 19, i had awareness that i didn't bear any burden. I enjoyed my life being carefree and burdenless. I never did any mistakes that can harm my future, cause i knew it is something precious to have a clean background.

In my 21st untill 24, i started to worry. My playtime almost ended. I knew when i reach 25 i had to go for a job and become adult.

Now im 25, 26 in 4 months. I got the job i wanted. And i am wondering, how to let my child soul go. I want to keep it, for it becomes my shield for a long time. The naive and innocent side i never really have because i know stuff at a little bit too young ages. I found serene in my child-formed shell. I can endure the pain with this.

Wise man says kedewasaan tidak diukur oleh usia

But

I know the society will never care about our trauma or issue, they will asks you to be adult, to be a proper grown up at certain age. And will criticize you for keeping your innerchild.

So here i am. Being a 25 years old woman who overthingking about how to be an adult. I still didn't get the answers but i made it into this. I hope it can help clearing my worries.

then cried

It's not like I don't want to lose you. It's just so many things from us I came to regret

I think i could do more. I think i could grew more. I just need time much longer

But thats the one thing u couldn't give me to

I run off your time. You run off patient, and run off your faith

I found myself broken into three : my heart, my head, and my pride. Can someone just crack the last one? It's my thing.

Pride support me all the time when there's no one strengthen me. I strengthen myself, with pride. Even if I lose, I still win in my own game

Even if a bullet shot through me, I would die peacefully

I wish I had my life lively. But you didn't gimme a chance to be the best I could be. And give me regret so dearly. Something I can mourn painfully

Wise man said I could take a lesson from you. Guess what I got?

A f*ck*ng empty

Meski kamu mengakhiri kita dengan luka, doaku tetap sama

Semoga

Tujuanmu tercapai, citamu tergapai... dan dengan siapapun kamu berjuang, sendiri atau bersama,

semoga tak ada yang kecewa. Semoga tak ada waktu terbuang percuma

Semoga

Aku masih ada rezeki melihatmu merengkuh mimpi. Demi aku yang setidaknya pernah turut menyertai. Meski bukan aku lagi yang membersamai.

Our time flies so fast like it was a dream. We were together and everything's firm. And just like the other dreams, the blue sky turned into the grim.

No matter how hard i tried to reach, seems like you are the hitch. I woke up from such a sweetdream, and the sun feels dim.

Get myself the blanket to cameback, but i lost your track. Then I realized all this time it was supposed to be a nightmare. You must came to scare, but I enjoyed your glare.

Seperti zombie di Warm Bodies yang terus mencari apa yang tidak bisa dia rasakan lagi. Dia mencari di tempat lain akan ingatan dan perasaan yang tak ada lagi di dirinya, namun pernah ada dan telah lama tiada