...UCanCallMeGina

“PROGMESS” …that would be me. I got the best news this evening, and it came at the right time to get me out of my funk… or at least I thought. My brain is in such a clusterfuck, I don’t even know what to type, and I’m sitting here in tears because apparently it’s something that needs to be released.

The simple thought of one person has me in a frenzy of thoughts. I typed out a “good day” note to send via text when I’m ready and gave myself a timeline for when to send it. Thinking about this individual got me thinking that it’s possible I will never have someone in my life who loves me—or will love me—the way I want to be loved, how I want to be viewed and appreciated. The walls have slowly been building back up, and I’m scared they’ll never come back down, which is going to make it harder for anyone to get to know the real me.

Then the thoughts shifted, as they frequently do, and I’m back in the same position I was in seven years prior—trying to figure out what’s next, trying to find something else to occupy my time until there’s a turnaround. I miss not having my own space to speak out loud, feel my feelings, and just be still for a while. The traffic I’m in now just makes it all the more difficult to do. My car has become my place of solace, if you will.

No one in it but me. Music on. Feeling my feels. Out-loud thoughts just to get them out of my brain, only for them to resurface later. I’m trying my best to adjust, but it’s been a year and I still don’t feel settled. Honestly, I feel like because of the complaints—only an hour away—God placed the obstacle to say, “Get yourself out of this one. There’s only but so much I can do, but if you don’t believe in you, I can’t believe for you or do for you.” Boy—am I listening now.

I’m still working to take accountability for the things I don’t say when I need to say them, but at the same time, I’m just not one to express how I feel to others. There’s always a thought in my brain that says, “They don’t wanna hear your shit, Mya. Just keep it to yourself.” When you’re going through the same shit, with the same people or person, and nothing changes, the conversation becomes circular—what you should do or not do—then silence, followed by a simple “I hope that works out for you,” or something of that nature.

My mood fluctuates more these days than normal, and from time to time—damn near every day—I feel like I’m going to explode with emotion: tears, yelling, wanting to punch a wall or something just to subside the irritation and anger. But I choose to take breaths to help me get back to some kind of center.

I’m overwhelmed by nothing and everything all at the same time. I only want someone in my life who can help me navigate and love on me when I need it—not a situation that takes kindness for weakness and brushes things off because of the image of being unbothered, while being bothered behind closed doors. A situation that takes things to heart unnecessarily, throwing gasoline on the fire. They go by a specific name, but I try not to hold hard feelings and just go about my merry way—yet the thoughts of the good parts are what take precedence

During the storm yesterday, I’ve never felt so claustrophobic. I tried to write—well, type some of it out—but it just became a jumble of words, like Scrabble to be specific. All the letters in the alphabet, and not one fucking word or sentence came together… so I stopped. Welp, that changed drastically. But “better out than in” is what I always say. The thing is, shit has been coming out more in tears and frustration as of late, and I’m trying to change that. I think it’s time for a gym membership.

It amazes me how I feel like I give some good advice when needed, but I can’t seem to follow my own. Doesn’t matter what it is—I always have some kind of rebuttal or something that weirdly makes sense to others. I want to feel better. Not that I’m feeling bad, per se—I’m blessed to be living the life I’m in. Most don’t make it, for whatever reason—fair or reckless—but I want to feel like things are on the up and up.

Is it possible to do a wellness check on yourself? ... I think I had one today or maybe it was considered more of a trigger of what is currently not going as planned.

Aight, so boom..I got an email today, that should have probably come earlier, but ended up getting all after the fact and in the middle of the week. I responded to it without cursing someone out and I was proud of myself-- because every LAST curse word in the book was going thru my head. After I sent it, I left the house to run an errand. The goal was Home Depot-- and where I currently reside the closet one is about 15 mins away. While in route, I didn't even realize I didn't gas up much before I headed out-- thinking it would be something I could do when I left from where I was intending to go. I started to realize I was getting lost and make it so bad... the FUCKING GPS was telling me where to go. Yet, another overwhelming/angry "What in the entire FUCK" moment and started to cry as I was driving. I kept missing turns because I was notified too late. Mind you I'm in an area in my city that I'm not in on a regular basis-- and this is NOW just trying to find a gas station because the Home Depot that it was taking me to--I didn't see a damn thing. Finally, got back on track and found a gas station. Oh did I mention half the WTF moment was b/c I thought I left my card at home when I KNEW I grabbed it.. yeahhh, I was sitting on it the whole time and just sat in the car and channelled my inner Michael Scott when Toby came back to the office

After I got home-- I started thinking, and I gave myself a wellness check and was like "This HAS to be a clear sign or message from Big G and Sweet Baby Jesus" ... and ultimately it was [ or at least how I felt after I got over the overwhelming of it all ] a clear message that there's a path-- you might miss the turn, hell-- you may miss a lot of turns on your way but there is always a designated destination and you will ultimately end up where you need to be. In the moment that you're there, it may not be permanent but you're there for a reason word to Dorothy!

In the midst of this, I had a much need venting conversation with one of my besties.. BOY! talk about being on time, lol. For the most part, I've been pretty mute about my situation. Mainly because, I have been in state where I could cry at the drop of a hat or I just don't want to talk about my problems-- burdening others. I get that's what your friends are for but at the same time, some folks just don't wanna hear that shit sometimes-- or at least that's the thought(s) that goes in your head. However, in this case-- as we have always been able to relate to one another on other levels of our friendship, we were definitely able relate to one another on situations that have clearly been beyond our control as of lately. I can honestly say that I felt better being able to finally get some stuff about how I've been feeling as of lately of my chest and appreciated her reaching out when she did-- guess today was the day I need to hear from someone near and dear.

Although the situation that I have been placed in rather it be by fault or by faith, I feel like Im doing better with just being in the moment when I feel it. The one thing that I don't want to do again is cry while driving. Im one of those people that is scared to sneeze while driving-- that shit ain't no joke and I have adjust and position my sneeze reaction carefully lol... I know it sounds weird but its true! .... and let me stop before I go on a tangent. All of this to say, as I have said in my last post-- believe, trust the process and know that your destination is already confirmed, and it'll reveal itself when its time. It just a manner of patience, and know you'll be off hold from the mainline soon. ... and that's all I got for this segment. Until next time

Once thing that can prevents me from going to sleep is the fact that my mind stays racing about stuff, especially the stressful stuff as the worse case scenarios run fucking rampant-- I am not a fan! These days its later nights going to bed and even earlier mornings all in my feelings. Woke up this morning in a glass case of emotion , Chile! (not this over exaggerated as depicted tho)

To the moment where I simply closed my attempted to go back to sleep. Although, I didn't go back to sleep, the tears started to stream and it escalated. Eyes on bloodshot and nose on stuffed! One thing about me is contingent on the situation, I am sending emails, making phone calls-- whatever I am able to do to get back on track with some of the things that ultimately, STOPPED me in my tracks. I laid in the bed for a good period of time and they just started to stream! Due to a number of things that have been going on lately, I have been feeling like myself but not like myself. I haven't been in this position in a long time which I'm sure I stated in my last post but its true. I thank God that its not rock bottom and I do have options in sense but the type of person I am, I like to get it out the mud by myself. There is always someone unfortunately worse off than I am which I am grateful for.

At this point I am trying to be on my Sounds of Blackness vibes and be optimistic, keep my head to the sky and know that its gonna get better. But, Im not gonna lie-- its easier said than done, so its more of just making it a mindset and in the words of Big Snow [ Jeezy for those under a rock, lol ] "You gotta believe!". I think in a way, I have been receiving signs by number and in a way that is apart of my not getting to a point of FUCK IT! lol. Before shit shifted, I woke up one morning in the middle of the night not being able to sleep. I happened to look at my phone and the time was 5:55am. I had to look it up as soon as...

Google says, this number represents change, good luck, transformation, freedom and personal growth. After sometime, a recent purchase I made the total came up to 2244, which is the one that will be significant the most as this represents "you're on the right life path to achieve your goals. Your guardian angels want you to know that they've witnessed all of your hard work to get to where you are today and will reward you for it soon!" . This one made me smile as I think this from all 3 of mine but one in particular which made me smile-- no thug tears this time. The last one, which is funny, is from my Chick-fil-A app. I am a proud RED Member [ lol ] mainly b/c that is the only location near me worth my money because the other food places are trash! ... Sorry, getting off track! Anywhoooo, I open the app to see what reward I can take advantage of and the amount of rewards I have left-- 777. This one also represents a sign with what I read as having a spiritual significance. It is associated with not only personal growth but self-discovery, and inner wisdom. I read that seeing this, can be a message from angels or spiritual guides reminding me to trust intuition and follow life's purpose--tune out distractions and contemplate direction in life. With all these signs and messages, how could I con't to be in a state of sadness or anger. I have ppl watching my progress and mess and they are telling me, its gonna be ok--although, admittedly I have trouble convincing myself, I have some people or someone say "stop doubting it and know it!" makes me feel better...

JUST STAND!... well I've been standing and I just can't get my balance together which is ironic because I am a Libra and that's what Im suppose to be about... is balance. Its been a little over 2 weeks now since I was let go from my job and 2 years since the malarkey with the job that brought me to Durham in the first place and the one thing that I have been trying to avoid is having to move back home. I have been in Durham for 7 years and although I don't get out much like I may want to I really like it here. I have been applying for jobs even before I knew my contract was gonna be up but at the same time, in the back of my mind and from co workers, 2 years-- I would be a shoe in! I was constantly getting told the " I started as a contractor as well, and look at me now" stories....which in some way, I have a glimpse of hope that maybe I would get hired-- too bad that wasn't the case. Every opportunity I applied for, comes back like that 'return to sender' mail that someone sent back that doesn't want to hear from you. "We appreciate you applying, but we have decided to go with a 'stronger candidate' ".... Stronger Candidate-- I don't know about ya'll but that can make anyone feel inadequate. Although I'm sure that is not the intention however it doesn't take away how it feels. I'm not really sure what is up next as there are so many things that run through my mind on daily basis regarding my current situation and how to get things back to a certain state to things I want pursue and revise but has to be put on hold. The motto is "Never let them see you sweat"... which has been in process more than ever. I have just gotten to a point where, I just don't respond. Not to be rude but, if I know I can't do anything, what's the point in entertaining the idea. Maybe that's not the right thing to do but at the same time, its a way for me to avoid questions and having to explain, as some of it I can't explain. Lately, if I'm being honest, feel out of my element, out of place and just behind. Certain aspects of my life, I am super selective on who I talk to about thing that go on with me as I just have this constant thing that I will get judged or looked at a certain way, lectured even vs being guided in sense. Ultimately, it scares me-- I feel like once I get in a vulnerable space, and express what is bothering me or my current issues it'll be something that I will regret speaking about. I honestly, don't know where it comes from to be real-- but I guess that just what some people would say "That's what therapy is for".... and I would say "hey, you may be right about that! " It's been YEARS since I have been in this situation. What is ironic about this is, the previous job I was let go from is the job that started me in this career back in 2015/2016 with the same employer. When that contract was coming to an end, I applied to the opportunity in Durham. 5 years in, and it all came crashing down-- back to figuring out what's next, how to make ends meet, making a plan and back to the drawing board. Within a week, an opportunity came up for the same position back in 2015/2016 for the same company. At that time, I applied for a full term position then, and was passed up and this go round, nothing was offered b/c nothing was available. Being back in this spot just brings back the stress, anxiety and the 'do what you need to/gotta do' mentality. I am constantly trying to stay optimistic and in prayer that things are gonna work out for the better, but like any other person, I have moments of 'what the fuck' ... tears and doubts set in and at times there are glimmers of okay, somethings are looking up but at this point in the game, I have to start making sacrifices/decisions in order to either remain where I am or make moves that are better accommodated for me in this current time.

I know this is stuff that I shouldn't hold on to, keeping to myself but again, there's that fear-- judgement, having to ask for help, which is something I'm not a fan of... I don't if that's a Libra thing or just a me thing or something else, Im not deep diving about it but its definitely something. It sucks to be in a situation where there are things you can't do unless is free, unable to splurge a bit like I use to-- it was nothing fancy to begin with but it was comfortable for me. Not being able to solidify being able to do things, go places is frustrating as you never want to be the one where you have to depend or ask ppl to look out for you. Even writing this, my mind is training my heart to be optimistic, believe and trust the process. Donnie said, "after you've done all you can, you just stand" ... I'm working on it and that's what I want to continue to do, stand on my own two as I have been doing since I was 19/20 years old.

I moved out at that age with no car and manage to make it to work, pay rent.. when I finally got a car, I had two jobs and built from there. Had some of the same issue I have now, then but not like this-- being in another city, having to come up with a plan to stay afloat without moving backwards. At this point, I am just hoping that something changes for the better but prepare for the change... and that's folks, has been August lately...

keep your fingers crossed and prayers up for me people!

CY A✨

 Ok Ok… first step is admittance. I have neglected the HELL outta this blog. But I have a logically and I believe a reasonable explanation for it… I promise. First things first, I am a Durmite now!! For those that don’t know the lingo and are not from where I’m from, I relocated. I have live in Greensboro for all of my life and the blessing to explore, live and interact in another city came right on time. For about a year, I was hired as a contract worker at one of the largest banks as a Security Analyst. Which is just fancy talk for access associate– this so I don’t get the “What the hell is that” question. Anyway, my contract was about to end– even though I had been there for about 18 months and had an interview opportunity. Now granted, I didn’t get the job but I wasn’t disappointed (we’ll revert back to this point later) I just knew that this position at this moment just wasn’t meant for me. Which leads me to my “Everything’s gonna be alright” mood… which is my mood everyday btw is this form and fashion as you see below

So its almost time for the gig to be up and I decided to go on one of the many job sources and found a position similar to the one that I was currently in. I said to myself, “Self, you better put in that dam shit, and believe”. So of course, I listened and I decided to apply. About a week or two goes by and I’m saying to myself, “No news is good news”. 

SN:You ever notice how many pep talks or excuses you give yourself when an employer doesn’t call you back. Shit gets reeeeal antsy LOL

Before I continue, be advised that I sidetrack at times, but its for a good reason. I’m just stating what ya’ll be thinking. Keep in mind that I’m a realist, don’t be sensitive to my shit (ah ha– she what I did there)…Ok my bad, my bad– back to it. Well I finally decided to muster up the guts to check the applicant portal or whatever you call it and I saw the green light, the golden ticket, the words every new applicant wants to see for a job they desire… “In Process”. I did a little pop locked, didn’t wanna get to happy but it was a start in the right direction. Following week, the emails roll in for a phone interview– which went rather well to the point I got an in person interview on site…in Durham.

I get to Durham, a ball of nerves but I can’t let em see me sweat tho…I’m a G (ok not, really but you get my damn point) I meet with the manager, 4 of the analyst, the human resource director and the information security director…all men by the way. After the nerves when away with the repetitive questions that they ask during interview… ya’ll know about those questions. The “what would you do”, “what would you say” and “how would you describe” ones. 

Soooooo long story short, I got the call back that I got the job and my start date. Now this is when the milly rock comes in booooy!!! This was the moment that I could honestly say stepping out on faith, taking a chance to apply for a position I know I will strive in and make this a long lasting career. This opportunity allowed me the opportunity that I have been waiting for– to move out of the city that I’ve lived in all my life and see opportunity elsewhere.

 The thing that makes me happy about my decision is that I made a decision to take a chance on me, and my skills and be determined not to fail–which reverts me to my point from earlier [the first paragraph]. This helps me to know that if I do miss an opportunity, its just that– a missed opportunity. Don’t dwell on what could have been but more so on what will be. This maybe a small experience or change for some but this is BIG for me. New place, new city, new people and new opportunities. It feels fucking awesome to get up in the morn...wait, let me retract (I'm soooo not a AM'er) I’m blessed to be able to wake up in the morning and it feels fucking awesome to be able to enjoy going to work and being able to come home to quite, the Amazon TV Fire Stick and wine… yeah I think I’m pretty happy.

When I say this article is the most common conversation that I have with my friends all time! Almost everyday there is a conversation sometime, somewhere in the world about the changes that you go thru in life and sooner or later you get to the point where you just simply don’t give a FUCK about how people feel about how you move, who you talk to and just how they feel about you period. There is so much more to life then worried about what the next man, or woman has to say about you. Its always been said that your haters are your motivators. You know who your real friends are when the congratulate and celebrate your accomplishments to your relationships even. These days people are all about the positive vibes, the opportunities provided for growth and progress. Even tho this article is speaking to woman, I feel we all are able to benefit from these tips. I don’t feel as if the article is saying that you shouldn’t give a fuck about anything. You have to give a damn about something, family that loves you and the friends that do support you, Just don’t ponder about the outside issues and opinions of other people but worry about you and what you have to offer to others. It has been and always will be about you. Can’t nobody do you better than you!! Take a read!! Is it accurate….or nah?