is this what it feels like? (song fic; guts - all time low)
Desperately reaching for something in the dark,
Pictures of memories buried in my heart,
Lie awake and dream of the endless possibilities,
Catch my breath and go for it
TJ Kippen had it bad for Cyrus Goodman. The smile, the laugh, the excitement. Before they met, TJ had never knew what people were talking about when they talked about the butterflies in their stomach, the feeling of your whole body heating up and the happiness in the chest. Before Cyrus Goodman, he couldn’t understand what it was like to have a crush.
It wasn’t even a crush at that point. Cyrus made TJ feel all of those things and more.
When he met Cyrus, he had no clue what would happen. He was just trying to stay on the basketball team and the only way to do that was if Buffy helped.
He’d get the tutor if Cyrus got the muffin. Then the look on his face when he had the muffin made TJ feel something he’d only over heard from his friends. The twinge in his heart, the butterflies and it scared TJ.
Fast forward to a little over a year later and TJ has admitted to himself; he was so far gone for Cyrus Goodman.
He closed his eyes, trying to find someway to get to sleep. The only thing filling his mind was Cyrus. What he could have with Cyrus if he wasn’t scared. If his feelings were reciprocated.
If things like that were accepted in a setting such as middle school and high school. He’d get to hold Cyrus’ hand in the hallways and on the streets. He could kiss Cyrus whenever he wanted. He could call him his boyfriend.
It wasn’t that simple, though, was it?
Everything that’s holding me down,
Make a point to pick a new direction, to make a new connection
TJ sat at a picnic table, picking at the ice cream Kira made him buy for the two of them. Kira was gone at that point. Thank God, TJ thought.
Cyrus said he hadn’t been avoiding him but at that point, TJ knew he was. It hurt. It physically hurt and he didn’t know if he could take it anymore.
“Hey, TJ.” He looks up and his heart rate sky rockets at the sight of Buffy Driscoll. He was scared, but he was also hopeful Cyrus was with Buffy and he’d just got side tracked.
“Buffy.” He responds with the best smile he could conjure up. “Is Cyrus with you?”
Buffy raises an eyebrow. “No.”
The disappointment TJ feels is so deep he’s positive it’s showing on his face, and but the look on Buffy’s face, it definitely was.
TJ has no control over his mouth right then and he’s sure Buffy can see right through him. She definitely can.
Buffy looks as if she’s contemplating something. “Are you and Kira together?” She asks instead.
TJ groaned. “We’re not together.”
“Okay.” Buffy pauses. “Can I ask you something?”
He swallows the lump in his throat before nodding.
“Why are you hanging out with her? She’s not a nice person.” She sighs. “We didn’t get off on the wrong foot at all when we met but I do care about you. I just don’t want you caught up in her storm.”
“I’m aware.” He mumbles. “I wanna stop hanging out with her, but..”
Buffy’s eyes widen when he admits he doesn’t want to be hanging out with Kira and it’s piecing together in her mind.
“She knows something about me and I feel like she’ll tell people if I do?” He shrugs and looks away.
“Is she manipulating you?” Buffy asks with a tone TJ never thought would be used on him. Defensive. Over TJ.
She really did care about him.
“No. I don’t think so.” He thought about it for second before speaking again. “I guess. I didn’t wanna go on the swings the other day but she always seems to know the right thing to get me to do something.”
Buffy’s face softens. “What’s going on? You can trust me.”
And suddenly TJ feels like he’s going to explode if he doesn’t tell someone how much he liked Cyrus Goodman. He’s going to explode if he doesn’t tell someone and all of the courage he wished he’d had before Costume Day bubbles in his chest as he speaks.
“Buffy, I’m gay. I like Cyrus.” TJ’s eyes screw shut, anticipating the worst case scenario, even though he knows he could trust Buffy.
He feels a hand grab his and he opens his eyes to see Buffy with a soft smile on her face. “That’s okay, TJ. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Please don’t tell anyone.” He begs.
“I would never do that. It’s your choice who you come out to and when.” Buffy pauses. “But, a word of advice, you really need to stop hanging out with Kira. She’s holding you down.”
Yeah, yeah, she was, TJ thinks as he smiles gratefully at his friend.
He couldn’t believe he just called Buffy Driscoll his friend. A lot can change in a year.
Is this what it feels like,
Finding out that I’ve got the guts to say anything,
When I can give up my reputation
Honestly I’ve got the guts to say anything
Coming out to Buffy had struck something in him. He’d finally said the words and it was the scariest thing he’d ever done but it was okay. Things were okay. He wasn’t struck by lightning, he didn’t spontaneously combust, he was okay. He felt a weight lifted off of his shoulders and he could breathe a little better than he had been before.
What Buffy said, about Kira holding TJ down struck something in him as well.
He’d finally been able to say that word and tell Cyrus’ best friend about his crush on him and that courage hadn’t gone away. He knows the second Kira’s around, though, that courage would be gone and he’d be trapped again.
Kira was holding him down. She was holding him down, holding him back from being okay with himself and who he was, and that needed to change.
Bold enough to fall flat on my face,
When I walk as they crawl,
Slowing down is such a waste of time,
Tapping my fingers to the rhythm of a metronome,
That change was happening today. He asked Kira to meet him at the courts and for the first time since Costume Day, he was actually excited to see Kira.
“Hey!” Kira gave a flirty grin and TJ felt absolutely nothing.
“Hey. We need to talk.” He cut to the chase, because if he hadn’t, he wasn’t sure how long this courage could last.
Kira’s smile dropped. “What’s wrong?”
“We can’t hang out anymore.” Is all TJ can think to say.
“Is this about Cyrus?” She automatically assumes and TJ wants to know just how obvious he really was it came to Cyrus.
TJ shakes his head and sighs in frustration. “No, Kira, it’s not about Cyrus. It’s about me. You’re holding me down. I know you know something about me but you can’t use it against me anymore. Things are different now than they were literally an hour ago because someone told me it was okay.”
Kira tried to smirk. “Told you what was okay? Your little crush on Cyrus?”
TJ freezes when he realizes how loud she’d said that but quickly snapped out of it. “Yes.”
“Whatever, Kippen, have fun with that.” She storms away and he couldn’t believe he’d admitted his crush twice in the span of an hour.
He would have been wasting time if he waited, wasting courage.
It was time to let go of the fear.
The gravity that’s holding me down,
To find a resolution, to be my own solution
He was able to let go of Kira, sure, but wasn’t able to let go of the fear, just yet. Now that Kira was out of his life things with Cyrus had finally been back to normal.
He wanted to tell Cyrus, more than anything, but that courage was nowhere to be found when he was around him. He was nervous, he messed up on his words, he was the definition of a disaster gay, as his sister told him.
He just couldn’t help it, though. Cyrus made him nervous, giddy, flustered; and he didn’t even know it.
He’s at the swings with Cyrus and he’s swinging high and he’s watching Cyrus try to swing higher than him and he wishes he could feel completely free. He wanted to feel as if he was actually flying in that moment and he feared he never could if he didn’t tell Cyrus.
The only thing that would make him feel free was to come out to the one person who never once judged him for anything. It was the only thing to solve the gravity that’s keeping down.
Is this what if feels like,
Finding out that I’ve got the guts to say anything,
When I can give up my reputation,
Honestly, I’ve got the guts to say anything
The Mack-Quinn family was throwing a party and Cyrus, and surprisingly enough, Buffy begged him to come.
Which is where he found himself, sitting on a bench near the fire pit to keep warm. There were a lot of people in there and Kira had showed up.
She’d apologized and even though TJ forgave her, seeing her there overwhelmed him to the point he couldn’t be around anyone. His mind was going too fast and that overwhelming need to tell Cyrus was back.
“Is this seat taken?” TJ looks up to see Cyrus and he’s distracted by the way the light of the fire touches Cyrus’ face, making him glow.
Cyrus Goodman was an angel.
TJ shook himself out of his gaze and patted the seat next to him.
“Why are you out here all alone?”
TJ shrugs because any words he could say have left his mind. No matter how much he wanted to tell him and felt like he could, the minute he sees Cyrus, it’s out of the window because God, he was in love with Cyrus Goodman and if things changed again because of who he is and his feelings, he wouldn’t know what to do.
He stares at Cyrus. Cyrus was truly a work of art, to put it. A masterpiece. He was good times, happy times, he was everything good in the world made into human form.
Suddenly tears are blocking his vision. He can’t tell if it’s the fear making him cry, or if it’s just how much he truly felt for the boy in front of him.
“Sorry, sorry, Underdog.” He sniffles as he wipes a tear away. “What did you say?”
“I asked why you were out here all alone. It’s freezing.” He states.
TJ hadn’t noticed how freezing it was because his whole body felt warm when he was there.
“Kira apologized to me.” He pauses. “I just needed some time by myself.”
“Oh. I can go.” Cyrus starts to get up but TJ grabs his wrist.
“No, please.” TJ’s voice cracks and Cyrus’ face softens again. “I kind of have something I need to tell you.”
“Listen, this is really hard to say, but I need to say it to finally feel free.” He gulps. “I, I’m, I like... I’m gay.”
It’s silent. Frustratingly silent and TJ realizes he might have messed up. But Cyrus looked like had to say something as well and TJ hopes he’s just trying to find the right words to be supportive.
“Is there anything you wanna tell me?” TJ prompts after a minute of silence, touching his hand.
Cyrus looks down at their hands and looks up with a soft smile and the butterflies multiply by thousands at that look he was giving him. He could hear his heart beat in his ears and he felt like he was dying, but the funny thing was, despite that, he felt totally free.
He’d told the one person he needed to tell.
“I’m gay too?” Cyrus speaks up in the tone of a question. “You have really nice eyes? I like you, like like you.”
The last statement was said as if he was sure. Sure that he liked him.
The happiness TJ feels can only come out in tears.
“I’m sorry, please don’t let this change us!” Cyrus rushes out when he sees the tears in his eyes but TJ just shakes his head.
TJ’s urge to hold Cyrus’ hand comes overbearing as he reaches down to Cyrus’ hand and grabs it. If he thought the butterflies were a lot before, they were definitely way worse.
TJ cries. “I like, like you so much, Cyrus.”
“So much it hurts.” He pauses. “You make me feel things I didn’t think I was capable of feeling. Not to sound cheesy but you’re everything to me, Underdog. I’ve been a little more than lost without you.”
Cyrus doesn’t respond with words. Instead, he gives TJ that small smile that’s full of adoration and he doesn’t know how to breathe. The thing that brings him back down to earth is Cyrus squeezing his hand.
“Can we just stay like this for a little?” TJ sighs with content.
TJ felt free. He was free.
this is bad and I didn’t know how to separate it with the keep reading thing on the mobile app, but I wanted to post it here anyway. Ao3 link in reblog.
@you-get-to-exhale-now-cyrus it’s bad but here :-)
prguitarman
blakekathryn
germansingergirl
