Baby Pudge

"C'mon champ, just have a few spoonfuls and maybe I'll consider letting you have some apple slices and cheese cubes too, okay?"

"NO! This stuff is yucky! I'm not eating it, and you can't make me!"

"Baby Boy, I know you're upset, so I'm going to ignore the fact that you just went way over your spoken word limit for the day - although I know a certain crinkly chatterbox who'll be sporting a paci-gag during his stroller session at the park this afternoon.

This is what's for lunch. If you don't want it, then I guess you'll just have extra room in your tummy at..."

DINNERTIME

"Listen, Buster Brown, being our bouncing baby boy is your only job around here and commitment to our respective roles isn't something we take lightly in this household!

I hope you like your new mealtime accessories, because they'll be getting a lot of use from now on. Did our padded lil' picky eater think those cute star cutouts on the sides of his highchair were just for decoration? Guess again, Mr. Stinky-Pants. Looks like we'll need to order an extra strap to keep your feet anchored in the center - enjoy flailing your 'little piggies' around while you still can, wiggle-worm.

Now then, if you expect us to keep working jobs while you fill your pants in the baby bouncer all day and continue to pay for the 'privilege' of wiping and powdering your smooth little bottom on a daily basis - not to mention kissing boo-boos, cleaning Cheerios out of your carseat and reading bedtime stories - it isn't going to come without some tradeoffs to help balance things out.

We are the adults, and we are the ones who get to enjoy certain adult pleasures and entitlements - eating for enjoyment and not simply for nutrition being just one of them. The mature members of this family have made our decision and we are fully committed to transitioning our little bundle of joy away from the grownup privilege of solid foods permanently - whether he likes it or not.

Just like our sex-life is enhanced by watching the baby monitor every evening after 7pm, while our cute little crinkle-cuck thrusts away while locked in his crib, trying and failing to create any resistance between the thick memory foam topper and his hefty Huggies, heatedly humping away with what little mobility the ankle restraints allow in a futile attempt to get any relief from his chastity cage - so too will we savor every bite of our big-boy foods after seeing you endure eating your goopy glop while strapped into the highchair 3 times a day.

We tried to do it the easy way, let you go at your own pace, but unlike your locked little boy parts, it seems you only know how to do things the hard way. When will you learn that refusing to dip your toes into the water when we instruct you to do something is always going to get your squishy butt tossed directly into the deep end, my soggy lil' swimmer?

I think we'll start by making sure all your Kale & Spring Peas goes bye-bye, especially since I put some light sedatives into it that'll help relax your gag reflex and calm you down a little, though they probably won't kick in until at least half-way through.

Then, we'll move onto your main course of Boiled Turkey & Butternut Squash. Unlike lunchtime, I didn't add any seasoning to it, so it'll be extra gentle on baby's stomach!

Hopefully you'll still have room for that nummy bowl of Mixed Berries & Beets afterwards. Remember, only good boys who finish all their food get changed into nice clean diapers for beddy-bye.

That shouldn't be a problem though. With all the laxatives in those bottles, there should be plenty of empty space in your system by the time we reach dessert!

Now open up those hanger doors real wide, my hungry little man, because Mickey's plane is coming in for a landing - and he's not taking "no" for an answer!

You're not sure if it's The Tickle Monster, Sir Spanks-A-Lot or maybe just The Diaper Inspector that's quickly approaching from behind, but you know "Uncle" Parker is coming to play one of his many games - and Mommy made it very clear that playtime is not optional when she was getting you dolled up in the special outfit he provided for his weekly visit.

It's only 9am, but the adults already have you out in the backyard, prep'd and ready for a full day of "working the grill" for the annual 4th of July block party - aka sheepishly offering the whole neighborhood plastic hotdogs and hamburgers they'll mockingly mime eating for 3 seconds before handing them back and walking off in hysterics.

After liberally applying Coppertone WaterBabies sunscreen to every inch of your exposed skin, Papa checks his phone and happily lets you know it's forecasted to be over 90 degrees today - officially "too hot for shorts" according to the 'Daddy Weather Association.'

"C'mon sport, you know the rules, hand 'em over..."

Oh well, at least the grownups were too busy to come up with something more humiliating this year.

All the same, you're pretty positive there'll be a repeat performance of last 4th's "I'm a Yankee Diaper Dandy" song & dance routine required after naptime - not to mention the sequined stars-and-stripes jumpsuit, top hat and bow-tie that goes with it.

"There you go, buddy-boy, that locking wrist leash should keep you from bouncing away from me while we break in your new denim romper with a full day of errands. I'm thinking we'll hit Costco first - you know how busy it gets on the weekend - maybe we'll swing by Target afterwards if those wipes I like are out of stock again. Then lunch at Chuck E. Cheese, if you're good. The car is getting pretty dirty, so we'll stop by the self-service car wash. I might even let you work the sprayer and see what it's like to soak something other than your Huggies for once..."

"After that, we just need to swing by the UPS Store to pick up all those booster pads that arrived while we were at Grandma's last week and go to the grocery store - seeing as someone already went through all his Gerber Grain & Grow Puffs. Naturally, there'll be a diaper change at some point along the way - I would say that exactly when that'll happen is up to you, but we both know that it's way out of your control these days!

It's bad enough that the babysitter never came back with the post-bedtime story bottle refill they promised, opting instead to make out with their boyfriend and leaving your nursery lights on in the process...

But now, the adults are finally home and they're already at it too. You're just hoping they decide to turn on the baby monitor for foreplay...

"You beg me for weeks to wear blue again, and when I let you, you don't even have the gratitude to accompany me to the store for the family's weekly shopping without making a fuss! I swear, you're the most ungrateful little brat I've ever had the misfortune of nannying - and to think you used to be the "man" of the house. I'd spank you right here and now, but the diaper aisle seems like a more appropriate venue for reminding you of your proper place in this household."

"Work From Home? That's what you thought the company's new WFH program was about? How would that cut down on all the bathroom breaks you've been taking on company time?

No no no, Work From Highchair! We're running out of desk space and the daycare center is pretty empty these days, but HR says we need to keep the staff available to attract new talent, so we're making the most of it! Anyhow, cry if you need anything but they're pretty good about diaper checks and sippy cup refills around here. Someone'll come by around 11:45 to feed you lunch - I hope Apple Banana Medley sounds good, 'cause that's what you're having!

The adults are telling everyone that they were worried throwing you a lavish Disney Princess themed birthday party would spoil their diapered little darling, but you had "begged them for weeks" - and you had!

🎀 You begged them to cancel it.

🎀 You begged them not to send invitations to all your friends.

🎀 You begged them to do it indoors so the neighbors wouldn't see.

🎀 You begged them not to donate all your boy clothes to make room for your new "gifts."

🎀 You begged them to turn down the local TV station's request to record the whole thing for one of their "Weird Wednesday" news segments, which have been going viral online.

"It's a simple concept, really. Eventually you'll just naturally adjust to being seen like this - after that, you won't be nearly so uptight anymore about little things like wearing padding under your pants or carrying around a regular diaper bag when we go out.

It's just a simple backyard wedding, despite the extensive guest list, perfectly understandable for two new parents. The gift registry is equally practical - requesting that everyone contribute to a money pool to be spent on diapers and wipes for their precious new baby in lieu of standard wedding presents.

The only issue is, it’s YOUR backyard, and YOU’RE the new baby - not to mention the bride is your ex-girlfriend - henceforth to be referred to as Mommy, unless you want a spanking. But there’s no time to dwell on all that, Daddy's darling diaper-cuck - you need to focus on your official duties as the Flower “Girl.”

Posing for countless photos, greeting guests with a well practiced curtsey, enduring endless pinches on the cheek and relentless pats on your padded posterior - not to mention properly distributing the rose peddles as you lead the love of your life into the arms of another man - it's a big job for such a little baby!

You were relieved when Mommy promised you'd be back in boy's clothes after their honeymoon... until you heard the toast Daddy gave at the afterparty, right before you were sent off for beddy-bye and locked into your crib, where he revealed that he'd decided - as the man of the house - to postpone the trip "until our little one is out of diapers."

Externally, you're shoving another large spoonful of mush into your face, paying no attention to how much lands into your mouth.