I feel an overwhelming loneliness tonight. But I think that will be good for me.
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@twistedmija
I feel an overwhelming loneliness tonight. But I think that will be good for me.

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Sometimes I still feel the thuds on my porch of pacing footsteps that could come in at any moment and tear down all of my defenses
To my recent abuser,
You would be in jail if it weren’t for my grace. You should be in jail. You’re sick, manipulative, and you never cared for me one ounce in your soul. Fuck what you did to me. And fuck the fact I let you do it for so long.
I’m not going
I am not going to get a master degree yet. And that’s okay. I am allowed to take time to fix myself. I am allowed to not follow the strict timeline. I am healing and growing at my own pace. It will take some more time for me, and I have accepted that I am not as strong as others, but I am still strong enough to finish.
Yours,
A soul made of milk, honey, and roses.
Titi
I saw mi Tia today. She is such a strong soul. She talked about some of the worries she has for me. I feel at peace with her. I felt a lot of peace today. I hope this time it lasts a little longer.
Yours,
A soul made of milk, honey, and roses.

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To the version of myself that knows better now
What do I expect?
When I pretended not to hear him slurring his grammar
I expect him to be strong enough to get better
When he tells me to get another
I expect him to know his own limits limits
When I wear my yellow sash and wave at the parent’s and teachers I see
I expect them to smile back, and know that someone cares
When I cut and dye my hair
I expect to feel the sweet secular relief of change empowering me and pushing me to go another day
When I just want him to like me
I expect him to understand and respect the boundaries I express
When I ignore that fact that G makes me uncomfortable
I expect him to leave me alone to spend time with my family
When I lied to dad about my girlfriend
I expect him to want me dead if he learns the truth
When I first peel the wallpaper from it’s foundation and saw the led red paint
I don’t expect to feel the amount of release I do, every single time
I don’t expect to feel a weight off of my shoulders when I saw the paint drip
I think the world has a reason. It has to.
It wouldn’t do this to me for no reason.
When they call meÂ
Fat    Cunt     Lazy
Worthless          Immature
       Ugly        Annoying
  Bitch      Crazy
I forgave them
I didn’t think they meant it
When they divorced
I thought they were soulmates and superheros like on tv
I thought I would be different than the ones before me
I expect that I will still have the time to smell flowers even when I get a job
I am innocent
I feel like crying
I can’t stop crying
Did they go through this?Â
Why is this okay to them?
I thought I mattered
My feelings are valid
That hurt a lot
Do I deserve this?
I want to feel safe
I can tear the paper
That makes me cry
But it feels better
Don’t make them worry
Why are you mad?
Tear the wallpaper down
The led paint is beautiful
I looks even and symmetrical
Mom says I draw symmetry a lot
Use peroxide so she doesn’t see
That stings, go lighter
You can’t let her see
Maybe this will fix it
Yours, a soul made of milk, honey, and roses.
To the version of myself I loved
To my younger self, who was too naive to understand the path paved for her in this shitty lifetime.
What did you think would happen?
Every time you pretended not to notice the difference when you heard him slurring.
What did you think would happen?
When he told you to get him another and you were the only child too young to tell him no
What did you think would happen?
Wearing that stupid yellow sash and smiling good morning to the miserable parents of a shit town
What did you think would happen?
When you cut your hair and ate whatever stifled the feeling that you’re whole life is under the thumb of abuse
What did you think would happen?
When you thought he didn’t know his own strength, but he was just so cool. He had to like you back.
What did you think would happen?
Sleeping on the couch next to B, pretending you couldn’t sense G and his evil vibes.
What did you think would happen?
When you lied to your dad and said that girl was just your friend.
What did you think would happen?
When you ripped the peach skin wallpaper and saw the foundation of your haunted house
Did you think the red led paint of the dead dripping from your foundations walls would be release?
Did you think that punishing yourself would give the world reason for hurting you?
Did you honestly think that the world had a reason?
It doesn’t.
Don’t be naive.
Don’t be stupid.
What did you think would happen?
When he called you stupid
Fat Cunt Lazy
Worthless Immature
Ugly Annoying
Bitch Crazy
And you let him get away with it?
What did you think would happen?
When parents are just humans and not superhero soulmates
What did you think would happen?
When all the skid lines of people before you bore the scars and skeletons of the misfit fuck ups that you call your normal dining arrangement
What did you think would happen?
When you grew up and started sacrificing your flower sniffing time for digging grease from under your chipped malnourished fingernails.
The fuck did you expect?
You victimize yourself
You don’t even know you’re gaslighting everyone
It’s second nature
Stop crying
They went through more than you
You don’t count
You aren’t valid
They barely touched you
You deserve this
Grow up
Get the razor
Give yourself a real reason to cry
Then wipe the tears
Because you’re already a burden
You make everyone feel fucking bad
You are a reminder of the bad
You are the mistake
Your ruined their lives
Grow up
Tear the wallpaper down
Watch the led build into a perfect little drop
You always liked symmetry
Your mom noticed that when you drew
Wipe the paint from the walls with peroxide
Dab lightly
You’re already a burden
Scars on your house won’t fix shit
Yours,
A soul made of milk, honey, and roses.
Today
Today I feel... good. I feel some peace. I wrote two papers, I feel at ease to lay in bed. I don’t feel guilty for taking time for myself. I just feel like I need rest. I’m burnt out. Writing these posts have been helping, and my stream of consciousness feels like I can clear my head of all this ucky shit clogging my emotional development. I feel at ease. I feel peace. For now.
Yours,
A souls made of milk, honey, and roses.
My body
I want to love my body.
I want to love my body like I love bread, and alcohol, and tempura.
I want to love my body like I am the most beautiful being on the planet.
I’m ashamed to say I want to be envied.
But I don’t love my body like I want to.
There are all these lumps and folds when I sit.
There is hair literally everywhere.
I want smooth. I want sleek.
But I don’t have it.
I have this roo pouch on my stomach.
My hands are not feminine.
My lips don’t purse beautifully.
My eyelashes aren’t long.
My feet are huge.
My boobs sag.
My skin has all these awful pores.
My face is already getting wrinkles.
I want to love me body.
So many girls in the world with much more confidence than me.
I want to appear strong.
I want to appear happy.
I want to love my body.
Instead I love eating how I feel.
Instead I cut or dye my hair because it is the only part of myself I can control.
Instead I hate my body.
I get these small moments, early in the day.
Before I eat or drink.
And I look somewhat nicer.
But I love bread.
And I don’t love my body.
Yours,
A soul made of milk, honey, and roses.
The Lumineers / Dead Sea

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Psychology Daily - Quote
Just checking in
I feel overwhelmed with deadlines. I am afraid for graduation. I am afraid of failing my MH class. I am heartbroken my friends don’t trust me. I feel like they might not want to be my friends anyway. I have always been the replaceable one anyway. I am stressed about paying my bills. I don’t think I’m going to get my application done in time for grad school.
BUT
I am saving up and I will pay my rent. I have not been suicidal for 3 days. I don’t need to have them in my life to be happy. I just need myself. I am a rad person. I am helpful and hardworking and kind. Even if I don’t get into grad school I can apply again next semester. I can work my ass off and save up. I have a dope leopard gecko for a son who loves crickets and makes me feel needed. I have a nice butt, and I’m taking it day by day. I am worth it. My mental health is worth it.
Yours,
A soul made of milk, honey, and roses.
Bless Your Heart
Small talk. Do you have ANY idea how draining it was going to a wedding for someone I care about? I’m sure you do. But it wasn’t the cleaning up or running around after children or even having to hug a million strangers from when I was five, it was the small talk. The fact that I wanted to be there for someone who I have real conversation with, but in order to do that I had to endure the mind numbing gossip asl’s small talk. People from up north talking about the weather, shocker. People talking about their jobs that they work every single day so they can complain. I hate it. It’s draining. I had to drink champagne and smoke a bowl just to keep myself from snapping off at the next person that wanted to tell me that college was a stupid investment. It’s at these kinds of functions that I know I am not alright in my mind, because I can go from being myself and caring and being patient to needing to withdraw myself from society immediately and recharge my vibes. What kind of person doesn’t want to talk about the real stuff that’s going on?? Even if it’s hard for people to discuss? Talk about the world. Educate the people around you about who you actually are. Stop talking about your groceries, damnit, talk about why you think we exist. Or what you’re working hard to fix in your life. Why do you get up in the morning. Why you fell madly in love for someone and got your heart broken. Talk about anything. Anything but the weather. We have a whole universe that we don’t even understand completely. Our conversations could go deeper. Don’t say “Bless your heart”. Say “wow you sound fucking stupid” and tell them why. What’s the point of beating around the bush between adults?? Grow some and say what you’re feeling and just get it out.
Yours,
A soul made of milk, honey, and roses.
Early mornings
I am going to my sister’s wedding today. It’s early. Silence makes me uncomfortable. It leaves my thoughts open for expression.
depression tips for when you’re casually rotting
aka when youre so depressed heating up an instant meal on a pan feels like Too Much
i had this in my drafts for a while, and since the era of tumblr seems to be dusking i might as well post it now—
i love those depression tips that are circled around on tumblr but every single one of them would be a lot on a mild depression day but when it hits me hard its impossible to even entertain. so i decided to share my own tips for the Depression Apocalypse
i sorted them into area of life categories for easier use
1. feeding yourself
gotta stay nutrished! but how do if making the simpliest meal and chewing feels like torture? the answer is this shit my dudes:
protein coctails! they’re /extremely/ easy to make, you just gotta mix it with water and thats it! you dont need to do anything else!
pluses:
– theyre literally all proteins so they’ll keep you nourished
– you can store them for months and if you havent done groceries for weeks you can still make those
– they come in different flavors
if youre feeling extravagant you can add some sugar and milk and microwave them, they taste better then (tho i realize that having not spoiled milk in the middle of a depression spell is short of a miracle)
option two: buttered popcorn! put this baby in a microwave and you have warm, filling carbs! plus it will feel like a treat
also orange juice counts as breakfast (or lunch, or really, really late lunch)
2. hydrating yourself
this one i stole from another list but: keep an empty water bottle so you can refill it every day and keep it with you in your Depression Nest. i find that if i keep it close to me i dont even need to remember to drink i just do it authomatically
making tea (bagged is easier) counts as a special treat
3. hygiene
keep three supercomfy sweatshirts and try to alternate between them at least every few days
instead of shower you can just wipe your face and armpits with water or wet wipes, it really makes a difference. this is level hard but try to comb your hair at least every other day. it doesnt need to look pretty, just so it wont tangle into knots (i know they take too much energy to untangle later). if you cant manage that, at least put your hair in a bun.
when you have a nice shower that feels more like an indulgence than a chore, do everything under it. seriously. wash your teeth in a shower, pee, comb your hair. it will trick your brain into thinking its just a one thing and you can accomplish more.
4. environment
you know how you spend days in bed in your Depression Nest and everything is sweaty and disgusting? if you can, try to make your depression nest outside of bed, ex. make a blanket nest on your couch. that way when you finally feel like you can sleep you wont have to do it in digusting sheets (bc you know they’re not getting changed).
scented candles! scented candles really do wonders. even in your rotting dirty nest you’ll feel like in a spa
level hard: kick all your dirty messy shit into one big ass pile. you dont need to sort it, you can just kick it to release some frustration, just so /some/ floor is visible
5. rest
sleeping? ahaha? i dont know her. if you lie in bed and close your eyes and listen to podcasts for eight hours, it counts as resting (i recommend alice isnt dead and the black tapes bc theyre awesome).
6. keeping healthy
it would be great if you could do simple stretching exercises, but if you could do that, you woudnt need this list, would you? standing up and going to the toilet/moving from bed to couch counts as physical exercise. opening windows and inhaling some air for a moment counts as going outside.
7. keeping your spirits up
those grounding exercises to lie down on the ground, close your eyes and feel your body or open a window and take in the world a moment? they do work. so does a breathing square – you can make it all fancy so its more fun
when youre feeling guilty for not doing anything you can make an easy to do list for future – planning is a chore too! if it just makes you panicked, you can do 1 simple task – rinsing one dirty spoon counts as a chore. so does taking out a new trash bag for Later. watching a movie from your netflix list (not a random ass new one) counts as a chore too, these are the rules. if youre feeling like shit for not being Creative, writing down your feelings in a journal counts as writing (drawing your emotions with crayons like youre in the third grade works too). if you dont have the energy to pick up a pen, recording yourself speaking on your phone works too
8. managing self-harm
this one was suggested to me by my doctor and i haven’t actually tried that, but when you get a violent urge to self-harm, try putting ice cubs on your bare skin. it’s not exactly the same but can soothe the craving a bit
feel free to add your own tips! take care of yourself as best as you can, and don’t beat yourself up when it feels like pulling your teeth. managing your mental health is hard. it gets better with time, just hold on

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Guitar Lessons
I play as well as I can, practically sight reading and slightly impressed with it. He says let me see your nails, they sound rough. As he gently files he asks how my mental health is. I say the same as always, tiring. He smooths my edges and looks up from the nail file grazing my hand, well maybe you should get some rest so you can wake up fresher, and more prepared for life. He buffs the white to a shine and has me play again. My sound clear as I want my mind to be.
Yours,
A soul made of milk, honey, and roses.  Â
Chest
I feel a pain in my chest sometimes. It means I am about to repeat a terrible pattern. I reached out my hand and gave everything that was in it. Like gold. I have so much love to give. But I can only let people take the golden parts of me so much. When my hand is empty and all I have to offer is myself, they continue clawing at my palms, looking for more gold in their lives to fill the emptiest parts of themselves. Then they leave. I am no use with just myself. I need to get more gold.. but healing myself requires me to hold myself, which is awful hard with scarred and bloodied hands. My chest hurts. Which means I’m empty again. My energy is gone. My stamina is run out. I’ll just lay in my bed for hours with this hole in my chest. Until the hole is the size of a pinhole, and I can manage to get out of bed. The hole stays there. It opens itself as it pleases and take hold of my muscles. My chest hurts. Bandaids don’t work. They work until they get dirty, and hurt to rip off. Besides, why ruin a perfectly good bandaid on something as troubled as the whole in my chest.
Yours,
A soul made of milk, honey, and roses.