Jude Doyle on Trans Masculine Erasure
READ HERE -> https://jude-doyle.ghost.io/eraserhead/
On writer's block and being a gender traitor.
How dare I say I had the authority to speak about women's experiences, how dare I talk over women this way, what was wrong with me.
The obvious answer - that "women's experiences" had been my experiences, until about five minutes ago; that I was still so early in my transition that most people took me for a woman on the street, so it was hard for me to even make any clear distinction - didn't occur to her, and I didn't know how to say it. I was a feminist, after all, and if a woman told me l was being sexist, I should probably just take her at her word.
This wasn't about accountability. This was people tactically forgetting my entire life, including incidents from my life they had personally witnessed or been involved in, so that they could shame me for transitioning. It was bad for me to be a man; if I was a man, I was a bad man, I was all the worst things men are. I was hulking, I was threatening, I was predatory, I was violent. (I was about five foot seven if I stood up straight and wore shoes.) I suspect she's capable of some kind of violent crime, one of the right-wing Redditors said; I was a monster, the Grendel in feminism's mead hall, raging and endangering the cis women, and some hero had to pull out his sword and come take me down. Often, talk of my potential violence led to calls for violence against me:
Ah, the life of the transmasculine feminist: From being beaten up by men to.... being beaten up by men, I guess. Plus ça change.
What are you going to do, cry? asked one man, and it was true: I could cry. I could try to explain why I had a stake in the movement. I could point to my uterus, my continuing need for birth control and abortion, my history of being beaten and threatened and objectified and harassed and raped by men. I could say that my experience had not lined up with the average cis man's. But to do all that, I would have to point out that I was trans. Which is to say: Not really a man. Which is to say: Faking, delusional, attention-hungry, lying, crazy. I would go from being all the worst things about men to being all the worst things about women. I was treated as both genders, but only the most monstrous stereotype of each one.
Because I was now a man, I could not speak about what it was like to be a woman. Because I had been a woman, I could never really speak about what it was like to be a man. Do the math: I could not speak. It was a double erasure, a double bind, in which every experience I had was false, and so nothing I said was credible. I could no longer derive authority from my experiences before transition, and shouldn't even cite them - I had never "really" been a woman, so those things hadn't happened - but those experiences could always be weaponized against me to prove I wasn't "really" the man I claimed to be.
They call it erasure, when this happens. I wasn't prepared for how literal the term was. Every day, I could feel myself disappear.
I fall silent, because a person who can't exist can't argue.
When I have trouble writing, these days, it's not because I have nothing to say. It's because I can't imagine a person who is willing to hear me. I can't foresee anything but hostility coming from the other side of the screen.