Mellow

Good.

I needed it now, in this grey and cold winter. Hard to believe that the place it tells about is real.

My heart is beating faster when I think of it, my anxiety wakes me up every morning, I am procrastinating by doing some work after work. How can I make this decision? Why is this so scary? What if I give up? What am I supposed to do with myself then? Why am I like this?

Yesterday. It was like I was watching a dream really. Here's me pushing through the crowds of people on the metro.. still have 10 min! Here's me running in the rain to the station.. 5 min! Maybe the train is delayed 🙏 Here's me standing in the middle of the hall.. the train left 4 min ago. And then, the bottom of the bag with the books breaks and all of them fall to the floor. At that point my only desire was to storm outside and run and weep and swear in the dark and rain.

...I picked up my books, went to the ticket office and returned the tickets. Sorry, friend, was going to bring your Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine back.. apparently, next time

about 40 minutes to read every day, I'm catching up with my plan! Yay! The hardest part is not to cry on the underground 🙈😭

is done, reread, check, ✔

I remember reading it as a child, it was a book with nice illustrations. And as I was reading the text this time, I could vividly see them. Such a nice memory trick! Thanks, brain!

Also I kind of associate myself with Ratty. He is a nice fellow, with a bit of anxiety sometimes - remember him preparing for the battle at Toad Hall (only I have it non-stop really) and a great love of poetry and an eye for beauty. But Mole is my favorite! He’s just adorable!