a collection of observations

when you left it was not yet spring and now summer's lush world surrounds me yet this abyss threatens to overwhelm me consuming my thoughts, hopes, and dreams starting from the edges of my identity until the corruption comes from within

I thought of words I should have said and I regret never talking more for had we had more time and thoughts I hope I wouldn't feel just as lost

I forgot how to live it was all a bit much so I stopped and let myself be swallowed by the misery I held back trapping me in a place where I could never escape

a withered husk of who I was holding on, but only just I imagine that things could change but I wouldn't know where to begin anyway

South Carolina, USA

Thank you for those that take the time to read this. It is still so raw that I struggle to say anything about my dad without sobbing because it makes me acknowledge that this is my reality now.

I have no space in my head it is too full of dread the moments that I thought I could escape circle back and continue the chase I wander through thoughts like I'm seeking truth but in reality it is all to avoid thoughts of you

my world has not ended and the inexorable march of time continues and continues regardless of whether I want it to unknowingly, almost seemingly and I recognize this infinitesimal existence clings on

I thought I knew what it was but I cannot find words to match my thoughts I speak only indirectly as though with caution to avoid answering it concretely, a pure form of comprehension

interlaced with my identity this anxiety weaves its web through me I am lost in the tangles

I start and stop thinking I have what I want to say but then losing it I find myself circling words that just won't find themselves written

where do I go when I'm all grown and how do I hold on when I'm alone what can I do when I've run out options for I pushed too much, too hard and now I only know how to fight

I want to hold on but its not worth the energy I need to let go yet my hands are fused so I'm stuck without hope

I don't need you but I am desperate for what we had when I was ok

I'm desperate to find my place but I'm living in a lie its too complicated and as I age I can no longer believe

warped by the lie that I'm alive that it's ok how can I believe in this as if is painless

I don't want your truth it doesn't resonate I can't wait to sink further in an abyss is waiting