My Deep Intermost Thoughts on Lyfe,

Why.

For why.

You cut me off my senior year of high school when I told you I kissed a girl.

And than you come crawling back to try to be my friend when Ben died.... bc you thought I could empathize with you- like for real?!

Than after years ask me to be your maid of honor, I tried to tell you that my work schedule was crazy and I was broke af (as I usually am bc I'm from the lower class* we don't just have money in a safe) but yet you still had me be your maid of honor and got upset when I couldn't afford the trip you wanted or the dress.

And than! On the day before your wedding your mom calls me and asks me to cover the 10+tattoos I had at the time. And I went to Sephora for 3 hours to get help. And I spent $75 on the makeup. When you said you didn't care. I didn't wear it. But than you got mad at me for cashing the check your mom gave me for the makeup. And than told me she would press charges for stealing.... for real?

And to top it off.

YOU POST THAT YOU ARE AN ALLY. BRUH.

An ally wouldn't cut ties with a best friend bc they kissed someone of the same biological sex. But okay.

I had to be sedated to have a rape kit done. I do not remember any of it.

So I work at a large office that subleases the smaller offices within it. 

-  i feel very lost, my thoughts are not linear or make sense to me like they used to. i feel almost that i am thinking too “in-depth” for someone like myself. i have thoughts of “the bigger picture” “whats the point in ALL of this” “what am i doing here” and it make me wonder- do i have these thoughts and ideas because of depression or do i have depression because i think these thoughts. i am trying so hard to make sense of it all. all the random thoughts i keep having. 

- i want to change positions at my current job at Swift. Because my boss is not understanding at all. and i dont say that be a “millennial” and be dramatic, but he is not nice or considerate at all. he just has this macho man complex and will tear down anyone (slowly, like cutting their pay, or pointing out stupid shit that i wasnt aware of) who tries to stand in his way. Idk, maybe i have a different work ethic and i dont view this job/company as all $$$$$, but i see each individual person on the fleet that i interact with daily, and i listen to their concerns and their issues that they may have, unlike my boss and equal other person who just blow them off. My bosses boss wanted me to go to their office to get “trained” but i said no, because they are not accepting of me, or my work ethic, or any point i bring up to try and better the fleet to increase driver retention, which in turn allows the company to gain more money. at least thats how ive understood it. i dont mind doing what i do i really dont. i planned on working here until i was offically an LPC full time and could live off my income from one job alone. and no i dont like the idea that i keep leaving jobs. but its not intentional. its not like im setting out with an expiration date with each placement. he just isnt considerate at all. and i guess thats okay according to HR, because they have told me to just forget and start fresh, but how am i supposed to start fresh with someone when i have seen how mean and ugly they can be? 

-im very afraid that i will have a heart attack very soon because of the amount of stress i am under. i constantly feel my heart pounding in my chest, there is a constant feeling of choking, and i just ache i dont feel good. 

-And, i am in graduate school for my counseling degree.  i am supposed to graduate next year if i get everything done and pass of course. but after that i have to take the NCE, and then i have to obtain 3,000 hours (paid perferably) but probably not. then take another test and then i will be certified , and then i can practice. but i will have to find a job as well. i just idk, i wonder if 1- i will even be able to handle being a counselor 2- if i will be good at it. and 3- if i will actually enjoy it enough to continue to do it for the next some odd  years. 

For marrying the woman I love.

I don't want to be judged for getting engaged "early"

I dont want to be judged that i don't know what I'm doing with my life.

My love. My heart. You mean the world to me. When we are apart I want nothing more than to be next to you. You're a pain in the ass but you're my pain in my ass. And I love you for it. I want to make you happy. I want to never be the reasons year falls from those gorgeous eyes. But I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going go mess up. I'm scared I'm going to push you away. I'm scared that I'm not enough. I'm scared you'll find someone more like you. More fit. Smarter. Prettier. Just all around better than me.

I am engaged. And I am Happy. More happy than I ever thought I would be. But I am also scared. Scared that she will not love me when she sees the other side of me. when she sees the manic side of me. when she sees me sitting on the bathroom floor and a razor in my hand, blood running down my arms. or when I spend all of our money and we are broke. 

I just idk im so scared of so many things that I am So scared that she will not love me when she see the way “i am” . the way the DSMV says that I am suppose to act. But thats not me. I am not my diagnosis. I am not what the DSM V says I am. I am more than that. I am more than spending money, cheating and shit. I am more than that. 

I have a gf now, who is amazing and for some reason when im awake and shes asleep i want to be alone. and maybe thats my issues maybe i need to be alone more. and try to find myself. but i do not wan to lose her. i do not want to lose her. at all. shes all i have. 

i have kinda lost my friends i guess you could say to life. Lupes is a mom now, i mean shes been a mom but now shes a mom to an amazing boy. and basically married, she doesnt need me a lot anymore. 

Dulce and I live together now but its different. i guess i never realized how much she didnt need me around. i like being needed. 

I am currently living in a two bedroom apartment with Dulce and my gf whos over on the weekends. she wants to move in but we havent had the chance to allow her to move in quiet yet. 

i  am having issues with my car. i do not know what is wrong with it and i cant seem to get the opinion i want on it either. 

i got accepted into graduate school. and thats cool but i havent decided when i want to start. i feel bad if i do not start this summer cause i basically begged my application to be fast tracked and approved. and classes start next week. but if i do start this summer then i get to work on a 48 degree plan but if i start in the fall i have to work on a 60 hour credit degree plan. 

so i really do not know what to do. but i just want to be able to be happy. 

my ideal situation is that we could stay in my shitty apartement (i mean im 23 so whats the point of getting a better apartment? right? ) and go back to school and try nad get my health under control all in one go right?

So tell me what you don’t like about yourself.

Well let’s start from the top and work our way down? - I hate that my hair I short, it makes my face more round - I have that eyebrows are patchy - I hate that I have a double chin, - I hate that I have extra body hair - I hate that my boobs aren’t perky - I hate that I have rolls -I hate that my ass is flat - I hate that my thighs touch and I have scars I’ll never be able to hide - I hate how my toes look. - I hate how I over analyze everything. - I hate that I don’t think I worth shit - and mostly I hate how I love people more than what they deserve.